“What did you do?…I went…”

Entry #1

The year is 2007. I am excited for high school. I have prepared every day of my existence through junior high to be the most successful student.  I worked my butt off to be the person with the highest grade, and I will be the person in the year book labeled as, “The Most Successful”…that is my true dream. The moment I came into the classroom I took the front and center desk in front of the teacher. I wanted the teacher to know I was serious about my studies. This is going to be the best year ever!

 

Entry #2

The year is still 2007, but it is now half way through the semester. High school is so much harder than junior high. There are so much extra homework. There are several clubs, that you can join if you want to succeed, which I do. So I signed up for every club. However, I want to be the best, so I must keep up my studies and work harder then ever…

 

Entry #3

The year is…I don’t care…

 

Entry #4

Why?…WHY?!?

 

Entry #5

I don’t know why I am even keeping this journal anymore. There is no point to recording my progress if it won’t matter anyways….Oh, right, now I remember why I am keep this…so that I can write a list of people I hate!

Mom

Dad

Sisters

Brothers

Teachers

Friends

Doctors

EVERYONE!

 

Entry #6

The year is 2012. All I feel is pain. My head is swimming, and my eyes are dull. Crying seems to take even more energy from me than I normally have. There is no point in crying…crying won’t solve anything. I am no longer in high school and I have no path I desire to attempt. I just want to curl up into a ball and live forever in my bed. But, even that carefree dream is impossible.

Entry #7

The year is 2013. I have decided to try; there is no point in waiting for something that might not come. I should live life and experience everything and anything. Now I will use this journal for a new purpose. It will contain my bucket-list. 1) skydiving 2) ride on motorcycle 3) go to Paris 4) visit Hawaii 5) own my dream car 6) sing in public 7) volunteer for something important 8) help build a house for someone 9)…I will continue to write down things I want to do…

 

Entry #8

The year is 2014. Today was not a great day. I went skydiving for the first time and I thought I would die. I wanted to die as I stood on the edge of that plane, the gust of winds kept pushing my body towards the inside. I should listened to the wind and not have jumped. But I did…It was exhilarating and amazing, but I am good only doing it once. Next thing here I come….

 

Entry #9

The year is 2016. I have done almost everything on my list. However, all I have is visit Hawaii and sing in public. However, I was told today I would not be permitted to travel anymore. My days have gotten shorter and I sleep more and more. I feel like I am again in the plane and the wind is knocking me over with way more force. So Hawaii is not happening yet, but maybe in the future.

 

Entry #10

The year is 2017. I am ready to finish my list. I want to experience every moment like it is a roller coaster, swinging me in every direction without knowing what will happen next. Whether I will climb up farther, or I will drop down to a point I can’t survive without a scream of fear.  So I only have left is to sing. Which is my greatest fear. I will go out somewhere tomorrow,where I know nobody and feel accomplished for a moment.

 

Entry #11

Same year. I choose today, because it is November 20th, 2017. Today is my birthday, and I am turning 24 years old. I know I am being selfish, that I want my birthday this year all to myself, but I won’t get another chance to sing on my birthday as a 24 year old. I told my family we would celebrate together tomorrow, but that I wanted to sing to an audience that didn’t know me. I chose one of my favorite country songs, Live Like You Are Dying, by Tim McGraw.

 

Entry #12

My performance was okay I guess. Everyone cheered and there was not a dry eye by the end. I have completed what I set out to do. I am sitting at the back table writing in my journal. I began this journal excited and hoping to be successful…which I have been. I called up my family and told them what I did and how great I feel that I completed something. They all wish me a Happy Birthday. I can hear the love and caring in their voices. “I love you guys so much!” I yell into the phone before hanging up. I collect my belongings to exit back into reality of life. Sitting in that booth against the back wall I recall what I have done so far… I may not have been a wealthy person, I might have not been successful in the eyes of others, but I lived life. Just like the lyrics I just sang a moment ago. This is the last thing I will write in my journal before leaving…I LOVE EVERYONE…including myself.

 

Entry #13

To whomever reads this journal?

The year is 2018. My darling little girl kept this journal a secret from us. I only discovered it that day at the karaoke bar. I am so proud of my daughter; I don’t regret anything that has happened in her life, as well as mine. If you have finished every entry up until this one you have a clear understanding of who my darling was. She was brave, honest, caring, loving, and outgoing. When the doctor told us she wouldn’t live past her 25th birthday everyone’s lives paused. Hers more than anyone. We supported her best we could but she decided one day to just live. The song she sang that night will always be my anthem. I will live life as if there is no tomorrow. I miss her terribly; her whole family does. However, we are still able to give her that missing piece, even as she rests in heaven. Her essence lives forever in us, and as we walk through Hawaii’s landscapes she will experience it too. I give the gift of completion; she will live eternally, even though I can’t see her, I know it’s true.

Love,

Mom

This Is Your Song

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