Another Day Comes. Another Day Gone.

This morning as I was driving my younger brother to his hair appointment I had a small but sadly depressing cry. I seem to do that more often lately. I will just be walking, or texting, drawing, and some thought comes to mind and I begin to cry. I am a fickle person.

I’ve noticed I can get depressed easily. I’m not tying to compare my symptoms to anyone; I just sometimes sit and cry about a small memory.

See fickle…I haven’t really wrote about what’s been going on in my life recently, but everything seems the same. I still have the greatest family ever! I finally got back to the job that I was loving, and now I’ve been laid off. I have the most amazing boyfriend ever and I now in the future I will be more to him. We might be moving to Wyoming, at some point in the Spring; I will miss my family, especially my mom the most! Which ties into one of my discoveries today…

As I dropped my brother off, I thought…”Hmm, bowling sounds like fun today!” And then I remembered I have no one to go with. I could ask my siblings but my older brother spends Friday nights at game night. My eldest sister has two kids and she rarely has time to herself if the kiddos are at their dad’s. My next sister plans her days to a T, and she doesn’t like to compromise her plans. My mom is so tired with what’s happening with her parents that I understand when she comes home she just wants to sleep or relax. My younger brother is leaving in a few days and I think he wants to enjoy his computer a while longer before he goes off to meet his girlfriend’s family.

So these thoughts left me with the discovery that I don’t really have anyone else. I had many friends when I was younger and swimming, but recently I’ve been alone. When I was 13 the group of friends I had, tolerated me because I was just as good as them at swimming but I was about 4 years younger. So when they grew up, they grew up together. I just lagged behind hoping to be accepted. But the moment all them turned 19-21 they began drinking and they didn’t want me around to be the sober one. (I did not have my first drink until months after my 21st birthday.)

Mom told me it wasn’t personal, but it was; she said it’s because when people get drunk they don’t want people to be able to remember what they did. That group of friends left me behind; especially as each got married or something special happened I got to see the photos on Facebook.

I had another group of friends and they were my age, but they didn’t think of swimming as a way to succeed in the world. (At the time I was going to be the next Olympian, and I might have if not for getting injured.)

They wanted to chill and swim because they wanted the fun, or the tan, or the body. I was also the only Christian in this group. One friend is an atheist. One says she is a Catholic, which is close, but she does things that make me doubt her faith. One was more of a “mother nature” fan. Its hard to be friends with non believers, it can be tiresome at times. But I kept getting this thought in my mind, “you are being an example of Me in the form of you.” God has an amazing way of being there without being there. So even though the time of being their friends was some of my best days, filled with some hard moments, I felt like I was doing what God wanted. But sadly those friendships have faded. The Catholic is planning on  moving in with her boyfriend, I am just old fashion I guess. The mother nature one moved away and I haven’t seen her in years. The atheist one is still a strong stubborn one, that she has done so many things that I can’t agree with. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’ve done or thought about doing things that are sins, but I feel them every day. I know they are there, I’ve repented, but the knowledge and their presence still engulfs me.

They also have told me before I haven’t lived because of my faith. That my faith does need to be in foreground, that I should experience things and live before I grow up. They also have said I make them uncomfortable when they go out, like I am judging them or something. They want me to conform but the thought of them conforming is preposterous.

I have another group of friends, but I am the little sister of their true friend. I feel like I can be me around them, they are Christians.  But I also feel like anytime I talk with them and they stop listening to my sister, my sister gets sad and feels unwanted. I try to stay away from the group because I don’t want my sister think I am trying to steal her good friends. Also I am about 5-7 years younger.

I really don’t have someone to take out bowling. It’s not even like it’s a big deal. I can just stay home and watch a movie. I just thought it would be a fun thing to do while the boyfriend is out hiking with his guy friends.

So as I drove home from taking my brother I cried and asked God, “Why does no one like me. Why do all my friends leave me.” Which a sad thing is if I leave and move to Wyoming I am only leaving my family behind. I have no friends my age to say good bye to.

I will admit I thought, “What if I go out and party alone. Just go out and be not me for a night.” Drinking and laughter is what I thought. Maybe being not me for a night would be fun. But then in the foreground my faith latched on to me. Swallowing me into a hug of love and encouragement. I can’t not be me; I am who I want to be. Faith, family, and love. So even though my curiosity of a world I have never experienced has me peeking through a keyhole every so often; I still know I have God.

So with my tear stained cheeks I write this. I can be depressed easily, and I think about things I shouldn’t. I am a sinner but I am His child. Depression runs in the lineage of my family so it will be a struggle through my life. But happily God is someone who helps me come back to reality. So cry when you need to cry, hide when you need to hide. But remember there is always someone around for you. You might be like me, a person without friends, but I am not without my family. I might just go walk in the rain then watch a movie tonight.

Sorry if this post was too sad, but writing helps me discover how I feel.

Enjoy your Happy New Year!!

My resolution: Part 1: Be Me 100%. No matter if it turns people away, I can’t be afraid to be me. Part 2: Have this resolution last longer than 2 weeks.

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Beats.

My heart flutters at you.

Must mean I’m not blue.

My heart flutters at fear.

Must mean I need to be clear.

My heart flutters after the cold breeze.

Must mean I’m about to sneeze.

My heart flutters at the baby’s smile.

Must mean I’ll stay and stare awhile.

My heart flutters in the dark.

Must mean I’m dreaming of sharks.

My heart flutters at art.

Must mean I’ve got a creative heart.

Me.

He wants me to be me!! That’s the best thing I have ever heard. Me. I have constantly, throughout my life tried to be me but I am never accepted. Never wanted, unless conformity was in my near future. And now I find the one that wants me to be me…

Except today we had an unhappy moment…I know that is a pathetic thing to say about a newish relationship but I still feel the magical romance of my guy. 

And it doesn’t help that today was day 2 of the wonderful week in this month…😑

But we were listening to a song that I said, “when I hear this song I think of you”💕

Cute right…instead we get to the middle of it and he snaps, “please stop the song.”

I stop it, worried that he was offended or hurt by the song. Worried that me opening up more of my heart would make him wake up and realize I’m just me and I won’t be anything more. Within the 3 seconds that passed many more thoughts ran through my brain.

The song reminded him of his ex girlfriend…I died inside…he wasn’t hearing the sweet lyrics or the fact that the song is called ‘shotgun rider’ and I’m his shotgun rider…the fact that the song is about not wanting someone else…instead he thought of a girl who broke his heart and not me who now has attained his heart.

I know it’s a small useless thing to fret about but it hurt me. Especially since he said, “this is why I don’t like some country music, remember I told you.”

I don’t want to remember everything that reminds him of his ex…I don’t want to hear, see, smell something; tell him; and have his first thought be of her. 

I’m not someone who has only dated one, but instead of making one memory be just that, a singled out memory I prefer to replace bad memories with new better ones. I’ve been places, heard songs, eaten food that, before my guy, I had experienced them with others. But now I want all the old out and only him in my mind.

So I guess what hurt me is the fact that he praises me about being me but he asks me to remember things that will upset him, even if they are a part of me too.

I know it seems like I am mumbling or venting but that is what my blog is for. A place where I can write and discover my own feelings. 

And now some pictures because art always makes me happier.

Photo by emily2jane

Photo by emily2jane