‘Why am I here?’ I’m standing in a living room of a coworker. It was an impromptu Christmas party. But it seemed more like a party to drink yourself silly.
Jackson had invited me, he was a friend that I had fought through the residency with. But he and I finally came out on top. But anyways, he knew I wasn’t going to go if I wasn’t invited. I’m just not a party person. To me a party is watching surgery videos while doodling. Or eating dinner while reading a good book, sipping on hot chocolate.
But instead I came. And now I know I was right not to come. I standing in a corner with a beer just to blend in; but I don’t drink. Ever. The swarm of people around me were laughing, guzzling, dancing, and some were kissing. I guess a lot were kissing. I set the beer down as I try to make my way to the door. This wasn’t my scene, I needed to be out of here.
My hand on the doorknob, I turn to yelled goodbye in the void, only to have a man slam into my back thudding my forehead into the door. “Ouch!”
“Sorry,” the man grabbed my shoulders as he stepped back. “I was trying to just slip out the door behind you, but you suddenly stopped. My bad. Are you alright?”
I rubbed my forehead while turning around. And I looked up into a curious face. It was a handsome face, but if he would have been smiling he would have been dazzling. ‘What was I thinking?’ “I’m good. Sorry about that. I was going to wave goodbye before leaving.”
“No offense,” the man turned back to the party, “I don’t think anyone is going to notice,” he gestured back to the living room.
He was right. Everyone was totally wasted and was acting quite inappropriate. “Let’s go!” I grabbed his wrist and pulled us through the door and out onto the porch.
The cold air burned my face. Thankfully it would cover up my embarrassment.
“Umm?” The man lifted his wrist with me still gripped on. “Can you..”
‘How embarrassing.’ I released his wrist and righted my coat around me. I was colder than I had anticipated. “Not your scene either?” ‘Another dumb question captain obvious…’
“Not really. But I’ve got to get home to make dinner,” he started towards his car.
I don’t know why, but I followed him. I even got to his passenger side door and just stood there.
“What? Umm. Okay. Do you want to come my place for dinner,” he must have thought I was insane.
But I was going for it! The last time I met a non patient or non coworker was…I can’t even think of a time. And it feels like I’m supposed to go. “Sure!” I opened the door and hop into my seat.
…
Realizing now why he had to get home to make dinner. He is a single dad and his two year old daughter will only eat his food.
It was adorable when we walked in the front door; a tiny body came sprinting for him, screaming “Daddy!” As he scooped her up she saw me and smiled first, then waved. She reached for me, I looked toward the man, that I didn’t even know his name, and he passed her wiggly body to me. Probably a test. But sure to his surprise I scooped up and cradle her into my arms and took her towards her toys. I love kids. And this little girl was adorable. She must look like his ex-wife. I grabbed an elephant and tiger and started a game of noises.
“Are tacos okay?” He asked me making me jump. Remembering where I was. I perched myself up on my knees, “I…uh. Yes. Tacos. Tacos sound great.” ‘Smooth. Super smooth.’
He just chucked and started back towards the kitchen.
“What your name by the way? Mine is Jessica,” I couldn’t just keep calling him, him or he in my mind.
“Edward,” he called over his shoulder entering the kitchen.
‘Edward. Good nice name. It fits him, in the short time I’ve known him. Edward.’
“Do you mind getting the plates out. The food is done, but I’ve got to run to the restroom. You good watching Ellie?” Edward started to back up towards a hallway.
“No problem! You go. I’ve got this,” I stood from the floor where Ellie was still playing the zoo game. Edward disappeared down the hallway. ‘ Plates. Where would plates be?’ Movement in the corner of my eye, I turned to see a small hand grab for the hot skillet on the stove. “Ellie!” I shriek as I covered her tiny body with mine.
I couldn’t really see straight. My back was sizzling though. The meat scattered the floor, the skillet clanged to the ground, and all the blazing grease seared my exposed back and arms.
I uncovered myself from over Ellie’s body. She was squirming to get away from me, but she was unharmed. Thankfully.
I don’t know what I was thinking, but I knew I wasn’t going to pass out from pain in a strangers house. I gathered up my coat and purse and left the once inviting front door. I stumbled down the sidewalk, trying to find my phone. I managed to dial 911 when my legs finally gave out. I collapsed face first into the side yard that was covered in thick snow.
“Hello? What is your emergency? Hello?”
No words were forming. I was in so much agony as I rolled onto my back. A scream escaped me when the snow touched my burns.
“Hello? Miss? Please answer!”
Darkness was the only thing I could see, until I could see nothing at all. I passed out to someone saying they were on the way.
…
Edward
I was at the gas station when an announcement came over the loud speaker telling everyone about the Taco Tuesday coming up. Tacos. It shouldn’t, but tacos just pissed me off now. Jessica. The woman who I invited back to my home; which is so unlike me, and then she made a huge mess, left my daughter alone, and fled from my house.
When I had come back into the kitchen I saw the meat everywhere. The skillet on the ground. Ellie was screaming her lungs off by the front door. I had only been gone a few minutes. Maybe Jessica wasn’t a kid person. Maybe she didn’t like meat. Maybe she didn’t like that I had an ex. Maybe…the list went on and on. But I had hoped she was different. Because Ellie still asks about her; it’s been almost eight months and she still asks for the lady with the zoo noises.
But after that night I didn’t run into her again. I had hoped for an explanation, but that wasn’t an option when you never meet.
Instead. I’m here at the gas station angry at an announcement for tacos.
“Hey! Edward right,” a man called from behind me.
I turned to see, what’s his name? Jackson. That’s it, “hey Jackson. Haven’t seen you for maybe, what?”
“A few months. Since that early Christmas party. It’s been a hot minute. What you up to? And anything happen with that girl you left with? I saw you head out early.”
“Nothing to report. I guess she wasn’t into me. She bailed before the meal,” reliving that awful day once again.
“Dude. Huge bummer. Well it’s her loss. Ellie’s got to be huge now right?”
“Yeah. She almost three now. Speaking of which, does your hospital have any new pediatricians. Ellie hasn’t liked any of the current ones.”
“Yeah. Actually one of my good friends just transferred over to pediatrics. You should try her out. She’s actually a natural with kids, even though it was not her original career. But she’s been totally booked. How about this. I’ll talk to her today at my shift, get you an appointment, and I’ll text you the info. That work?”
“I appreciate it man. That’s for the hassle. I’ll treat you to meal one of these days,” I shake Jackson’s hand.
“No problem at all, dude. I’ll catch you later. My shift is starting soon,” he headed to the exit. “Any day and time work?”
“Yeah. I can work around it. Thanks,” I saw Jackson leave and jet to his vehicle.
Jackson wasn’t kidding. Sitting in this lobby is like some concert is about to start. It was cram packed full. I was amazed that Jackson was able to sneak us in; the check in lady said we are lucky to have gotten an appointment so last minute. Ellie hadn’t been seen in about eight months, just because she really hates the doctors, and I’ve been so busy. Single parenting is difficult.
“Ellie Martin,” a nurse called out into the sea of people.
“Here! I stood and scrambled through the people towards the door. Ellie latched onto my neck; knowing what was coming.
“Hello, Mr. Martin. You are our mystery walk in. How do you know Dr. Kallen?”
“I don’t. I know Jackson Hensley; he was able to get me this appointment,” I followed the nurse into the room.
“Come here little one, I need to give your arm a hug,” the nurse coaxed little Ellie to unlatch herself from my neck. But Ellie did comply.
This was the first nurse that said arm hug. She must be an excellent nurse to children. “Do you work with Dr. Kallen? Jackson tells me she is phenomenal with kids.”
“Yes. I’m Dr. Kallen’s nurse, Halley. She’s taught me many tricks, like the arm hug, to comfort distressed children. Jackson let us know that Ellie was not a fan of this place, so we are trying to go above and beyond where that won’t be an issue for you, anymore. Okay Ellie now time for me to try and see the rainbows in your ears. Is that okay with you?”
Ellie nodded greatly and sat perfectly still on my lap while the nurse checked her ears. Very considerate. Very professional. Now I understand why Jackson suggested her, but also why the lobby is packed.
“Well everything looks great so far,” Nurse Halley gathered up her binder. “Dr. Kallen will be in shortly. I will say, expect a quick appointment today since you were squeezed it. But Ellie looks perfect, so you shouldn’t worry,” and she left the little room.
‘Short appointment, I’m good with that. Ellie will be happy too, even though this is most relaxed she has ever been in a doctor’s office. A knock disturbed my thoughts, “come in.”
“Hello Mr. Martin, what seems to be the issue today?”
Time froze. There in front of me stood Jessica. The same woman who had disappeared. She was standing in front of me once again. I wanted to bolt from the office, but Ellie recognized Jessica right away. She practically jumped off my lap and ran into Jessica’s legs hugging her. “Zoo lady,” she squealed with excitement. ‘How was I supposed to deny my daughter a doctor she actually liked.’
She looked the same as that night. Only that night she had been wearing a shirt showing her shoulders, and now she wore a turtleneck and doctor coat. She still looked just as elegant as that night.
“Ah. Well this is unexpected. Hello Edward,” she smiled in my direction, “we meet once again. And hello Ellie! Can you tell me why you are here today?”
“Check Up!” Ellie yelled with excitement. Jumping in place waiting for Jessica to give her all her attention.
“Ahh! Big girl! You’ve gotten so much bigger since the last time I saw you!”
A flicker of something flew across her face. It seemed like a split second of pain, but why would she think of pain when she thought of that night. She’s the one that left. I cleared my mind, because I wanted to watch my daughter enjoy at least one doctor appointment in my life.
And it was an enjoyable appointment. Jessica was truly great with kids. This was the first time that Ellie was actually giggling and laughing while the doctor examined her. Usually it was constant screams or latching hugs.
“Well. Edward. I mean…Mr. Martin. Ellie is in perfect health. I’m not seeing anything by to be concerned about. Did you need anything else from me today?”
‘Yeah. Of course I did. Why did you leave? Why did you not say anything? Why haven’t I seen you since that night?’ But I didn’t. If she didn’t feel the need to clarify, then I didn’t need to bother her with a string of questions. I would just ignore that day, like it never happened. “Nope. I think we are all good.” I scooped Ellie back onto my lap.
“Okay…well then I’ll send Halley back in here with the exit papers. Nice to see you again, Ellie,” she waved at the now squirming and fussing Ellie, that wanted to continue to spend time with Jessica. “Goodbye, Edward,” and she exited the room.
I really didn’t want things to just end like that. But if she didn’t mention that night, why should I be the only one to bring it up.
Halley returned and handed me the exit papers. Gave Ellie a sticker of a kitten and left the room with the door wide open.
This was the end. I gathered up the now sleepy Ellie and left the little room, the lobby, and enter back into reality…
I really felt crappy leaving the way I did. I still wanted things to be resolved. The idea that I could move past it was a joke. While holding the sleeping Ellie in my arms, I paused in front of the wall of physicians. There in the row of pediatrics was Jessica. Her smile just beamed with joy.
“Did you hear about Jessica Kellen’s process of changing careers?” A couple doctors stopped just next to me, probably glancing at her picture too. Her face stood out amount all the faces on the wall.
“What do you mean? I thought she’s always been in pediatrics?” the companion answered.
“No. She actually was training to be a surgeon. But due to an accident several months ago she had to put her residency on hold to heal from her injuries, and then switch careers because she fell behind, and her level of skill was lost.”
“Wow. Really. I always thought she chose pediatrics. She is a whiz with kids.”
“Yeah. But no. She chose to be a pediatrician because she loves kids; and to her it seemed like the best fit. Have you seen the scars though? She is one tough doctor to have survived those levels of burns. I heard that the EMS found her lying passed out in the snow with snow glued to her burns, when they arrived. My mentor treated her that day; and he found out it happened to protect a small child. My mentor said that if those burns had happened to a child, that the child would have most likely passed away due to the pain. It’s crazy!”
I knew without knowing. “What happened to Dr. Kallen,” I turned to the two men beside me, “what happened!?”
…
Jessica
That was not what I was expecting for my mysterious appointment, that Jackson had set up. Edward sitting in that room. Staring at me. I can’t blame him. I disappeared that night. Then I was recouping in the hospital for a few weeks. Then I was scrambling to figure out my new path because my burns left me with some nerve damage that hinders my hands. But his stare tore into me. He looked good though. He hasn’t changed a day since I met him, whereas I…
“Dr. Kallen, you ready to head out?,” Halley popped her head into my office, “There hasn’t been any more walk-ins for the last hour. The next shift is showing up in ten minutes?”
“Sounds good, Halley. I’ll pack up slowly and wait for the next shift. You go ahead and head out for the night. I’ve got this.”
“You sure. We could leave together. I’m meeting up with a large group of friends. We are going to attempt karaoke. You could totally crash the festivities with me. You might meet someone, maybe…” Halley winked at me.
My hand stopped on my journel, “No thanks. I’ve got a nice quiet night planned out. Have fun though. See you tomorrow.”
Halley sighed but nodded her head. “Okay. Have fun on your quiet night!”
The thought of finding someone new was impossible to me. Not so much the scars, but that’s a factor, because they are horrific on back and shoulders. Then trying to explain another man about how it happened; I saved the child of a man that I was interested in. I forever scarred myself for people who were never even mine. I saved a child, but some men might never believe I’ve given up on that man because I was willing to scar myself.
And I don’t think I have given up on Edward. Seeing him today stirred back up all those butterflies from that night. But how he looked at me, I don’t think he will ever forgive me for just leaving. But Ellie was just as adorable as that night. If I can just be a constant stable doctor for Ellie, that can be enough. It will have to be enough.
“We are here, Dr. Kallen,” Dr. Sofia disturbed my thoughts.
“Oh right. Sorry. Long day,” I’ll get out of here,” just as a grabbed my last notebook and stuffed it all into my side bag, “See you.” Exiting from the office I did my ritual stretch, only to be met by Edward’s gaze…
“Edward!? What are you still doing here?” I stopped my stretch and rushed towards him, checking his surroundings, “Is Ellie okay?”
He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me. But his eyes drifted down from my eyes and to my shoulder.
‘He knew.’ As if instinctively, I covered my shoulder with my hand. Only he could do this to me. Make me feel self conscious about my burn. Also he was the only one to make my face flush with embarrassment about it. I don’t know why I thought throwing my jacket on would hide it away, but he grabbed my arm just as I tried.
“No. Show me.” He again stared into me.
‘I couldn’t do that. No one had seen.’ Only the doctor who healed me knew what a horrific sight it was. I didn’t even show my parents because I feared they would worry. Now a man, this man, wanted to see. I didn’t want to show him.
“Please Jessica. Show me. I need to know what you endured when you protected my daughter. I need to see what could have happened to her if you had not been there. I need to see, to utterly apologize to you for thinking you just left her. I…”
“Okay.” I don’t know why I agreed. Maybe I wanted him to know all those answers. But maybe because it was him. That he was the one that could see, because it was Edward. It didn’t make sense to me either, but I was willing.
“Where?” Edward let go of my arm only to hold my hand. He glanced around us, probably looking for a secluded place.
I squeezed his hand back, “my place. I don’t want anyone to see. I don’t want…”
Edward dragged me to the elevator. once inside he pressed for the garage floor, “did you drive?”
I shook my head. I don’t think I could muster up words. I was focused on the now dread of actually showing him my scars, but also the fact that he was holding my hand. His hands were larger than mine, my hand seemed to disappear into his.
“Good.” The door dinged and he was pulling me to his car.
Jessica
Standing in my living room with all the windows covered, and I am terrified. I was confident and brave at the hospital, because it wasn’t real yet. But now, standing here, with Edward behind me, I’m terrified. I feel exposed even though I’m wearing multiple layers. My scars seem to be burning once again from being the focus. “Maybe, we can do this another time. I don’t know if I…”
Edward stepped up and hugged me.
‘He was hugging me. My has hugging my back!’ Only because he hadn’t seen them. He will probably never hug me again once he knows. Once he sees. I stiffen in his arms, even though all I want to do is relax into his chest.
“Relax, Jessica.” Edward whispers into my ear, before he rests his forehead on my shoulder. “Nothing will ever change my mind,” he released his hands, gripped my waist and turned me around to face him. “Please. Let me see. I want to understand. I want to know what you did to save my daughter. I heard people say today, that if you hadn’t protected her with your body, my daughter would have probably died. I need to know how you saved her.” He was looking at me.
Not my shoulders, not my arms. But me. A tear escaped. It trickled down my cheek and rested on my chin. I was hoping what he said was true. That he would still feel the same after he saw…what happened. I stepped away from him, and removed my jacket. I turn my back to him, gripping at the hem of my shirt. “Close your eyes, I’ll tell you when I’m ready.” I still felt exposed. But I wanted to be the one to allow him to see, not hear the gasp or shock as I removed my shirt. It just felt easier and better this way.
“Okay.”
I trusted that Edward would close his eyes. I removed my outer shirt completely. My tank top was all that remained, but that was enough. He would see the gist of what happened. I wasn’t ready to be completely exposed in front of anyone. My scars were more apparent to me than they ever had been. I could feel all the marks, definitions, lumps, and bumps. I could feel everything. ‘Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.’
“It’s okay Jessica. Don’t be afraid. Nothing will change,” Edward spoke before I could back out.
‘Just do it!’ “Okay. Look,” and I waited for the shock.
Edward.
I was shocked. The moment I opened my eyes and saw her back I was shocked. I can understand her hesitation to showing me. Her back was reds, browns, and pinks. The colors bled together creating a splashed look on her back. I could see the burns from the meat pieces. I could see the burns from the grease. The skillet. But it wasn’t just her back; it was her shoulders, arms, and wrists. ‘She protected Ellie. She got so severely hurt for Ellie. My Ellie. My Ellie is safe and alive, because this woman I barely know saved her with her body.’ I stepped up and hugged her once again from behind. This woman who would against everything save my daughter. This wonderful, beautiful woman, came accidentally came into my life. Or maybe it was God’s design. That I was supposed to end one relationship to find the one for me. A woman who I can see myself loving. I hugged her.
Jessica
‘He’s hugging me!’ He was hugging me, and touching my back. He was touching my scars. He didn’t gasp or anything. He was silent, but now he is touching me! I stiffened at his first touch, but I’ve finally relaxed into his embrace. I feel safe there. I feel accepted there. I feel right.
We stood there maybe another few minutes before he once again turned me towards him. I looked up into his face; I need to see what he felt in this moment.
All I saw was warmth in his face. A genuine smile. Almost a living gaze. I smiled. But I’m sure my face turned red, because how he was looking at me made me blush. I never thought someone would ever look at me like that again. A look of wanting.
Edward chuckled. He cupped the back of my head, and pulled me once again into a hug; his other hand wrapping around my waist.
I in turn wrapped my arms around his waist, and settled my head into the nape of his neck. We stood there. Accepting each other as we are.
.-.-.-Two Years Later.-.-.-.
Jessica
Sitting on the couch with my back to Ellie, as she draws on my back. This has become a normalized thing in this house. Ellie, loves it.
Edward had insisted on showing Ellie my scars. I was not sure, but he wanted her to see how much I loved her. He had said, “that’s how some woman throughout the world receive scars, by saving children.” But unexpectedly, as soon as Ellie saw my back; she ran to her room. I had thought the worst, until she came sprinting back into the room again with her bucket of markers.
“You have a pretty tree on your back. I want to draw pretty flowers and leaves on it!” Ellie squealed with delight as she climbed back up onto the couch.
So on all my days off, when I come over to the Edward’s home, I sit with my back to Ellie as she happily draws flowers, leaves, birds, cats, and so on.
“That looks great, Ellie!” Edward came into the room and rests a hand on my shoulder.
“Move Daddy! You are ruining my art. Go sit next to her,” Ellie removes Edward’s hand from my shoulder and shoos him away from my back.
“I can’t believe I was booted,” Edward’s sits down in front of me. Glancing again at Ellie before resting on my face.
I still blush when he looks at me. He looks at me with much desire. ‘I love this man.’ We’ve been dating almost two years now. And I know wholeheartedly, I love this man.
“Jessica,” Edward pulls me from my thoughts. “Would you do me the honor of marrying me?”
‘What!?!’ It was true. He just asked me to marry him, because he was holding a ring in front of me. I nodded. “Yes! Yes of course. Of course I’ll marry you,” I flung my arms around his neck; and kissed him. My dreams were coming true!
“Mama! You ruined my dragon,” Ellie exclaimed!
‘Mama?!?’ I let go of Edward and turned to look at the smiling but also frustrated Ellie. I was so happy that I pulled her into a hug as well. “Sorry, baby girl. I’ll hold still now for you okay?” I pulled away, turned back to Edward, and sat as still as possible for the little artist who had begun again.
I looked at the man in front of me. The man who has truly accepted me. The man who loved me unconditionally. This time I smiled with openly pink. I was so happy to have found my family, on this crazy journey. As Edward had mention two years ago; this is the path God had planned, for me to find my perfect man.
The End
