Short Story #20

I don’t know why I’m here. I guess the honest answer would be I wanted to feel something. Anything. I’ve been the diligent daughter all my life. I’ve been the supportive friend. I’ve been the best top artist for producers and fans. I’ve been everything and anything for everyone else. But in this moment I wanted to be free.

The mask of perfection was slapped off my face today. I let down my producer, my emotions for a love song was not right. My parents begged for money again, however this time I actually said no. I found out that my boyfriend of five years actually got another girl pregnant. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I rushed out to my car and just started driving. I felt suffocated. I needed air.

Well I got air. I’m now standing next to my car in a desert. A big nothingness. I can see land for miles and no one around me. The air here feels right. Feels good. Feels smooth. I felt my mind begin to clear for the first time. But I’m out of gas, my phone is dead, and I’ve got maybe enough food and water for two days. But none of that matters. I’m free.

I wonder what it feels like to stand at the edge of a cliff?’ I wasn’t thinking about anything. Just wanting to feel lite as a feather. There was a hill a short distance away. I was stuck here until a person drove by, or someone thought to look for me. ‘If they even cared.’ So hill it was.

So…in case you were wondering, things look closer in the desert. This hill was about two hours from my car. But so worth it; this view is amazing!! And the neighboring next hill seems to have a small town. So I can always venture that way for help afterwards.

But this view. Everything is miniature. My car is a small block of color in the distance. The road I came on twists and turns with the hilly terrain. The blue sky is vast and huge. It’s peaceful up on this hill. I’m alone. It’s silent. Im at peace finally. I walk to the edge of the cliff. I look down the steep side. ‘A fall from here wouldn’t kill you. But the heat and dehydration probably would…’ I don’t know where that thought came from. I’ve hated my life, but never enough to think of harming myself… but I didn’t move away from the edge. I still stood on the marginal edge. Continuing to stare down the drop…

“Miss. Please back away from the edge.”

The voice came from behind me. My silent escape was no longer just mine. ‘Why can’t everyone leave me alone?’ “Please just leave me be. I’m enjoying the solitude on my hilltop.” I didn’t answer the voice from behind me.

“Miss. Please. Just step backwards a few steps. The wind up here can sweep you off the cliff with no effort at all.”

‘So what if it does. No one is going to miss me.’ Not those thoughts again. ‘Back up!’ But my feet wouldn’t move. I wanted to back up. I wanted to listen to the voice. “Please help me. My feet won’t move. Grab me, please!” I didn’t know where the panic was coming from. But suddenly I felt two large warm hands grab me around my waist and pull me back to from the edge.

My heart was racing. I was feeling dizzy. Happy for the fact that this person was helping to hold me up.

“Miss can you release my hands, please?”

I looked down and I was clasping the persons hands that were supporting me. I let go instantly and unwrapped the arms from around me. I stepped away, regretting it instantly as I felt my body collapsing.

The arms caught me. I saw a silhouette of a person above me, cradling me in their arms. The sun was so bright, that my head started spinning. The next second I was gone…

I woke up in a hospital room…? I was on one of those small metal beds. I wore stripped pink and blue starchy pajamas. There was a poking sensation on my hand, an IV. There was a constant beeping sound. But this was a very tiny room. Must have been an office at one point. Where was I?

“Ah. You are awake. How are you feeling, my dear?” An older man in a white coat came into the room. The doctor I presumed.

“I feel better. But where am I?”

The man chuckled, “glad you are feeling better. You are in a small little town of Bidder. It was the neighboring hill across from your hilltop. I must say you gave David quite a scare. He thought you were a jumper.”

‘Jumper? That was a weird word? Did he think I was some weirdo that jumps around on hilltops? Oh…jumper. Jump off. The edge. Suicidal.’ “I wasn’t. I was just enjoying the silence. That hilltop was the first real peace and quiet. I’ve never really experienced such silence. It was breath taking.”

“Good. That hilltop is actually known to be a hilltop for jumpers. They drive out here. Leave their belongings behind. Leap, thinking it will be their end. But sadly I’ve witnessed too many deaths hours later with the people being in such agony from starvation or dehydration. David will be happy to know that you were not there to end your life. Miss…what is your name?”

“Abigail. Abigail Wayne.”

The doctor looked at me for a minute longer. Then I saw the recognition in his eyes. “Miss Wayne. I knew I had seen your face before. But truth be told you are usually more put together than you are now. My granddaughter is a huge fan of your music.”

I didn’t mean to show panic but it must have shone.

“Don’t worry, my dear. I’ll instruct my granddaughter to keep your identity to herself. Only a handful of people will know who you are. You are lucky to have landed in our little town.”

“Sorry. I just wanted to escape life and have some peace. But being recognized will destroy my chances…” I attempted to climb out of bed but reality hit me back into my pillow. I was dizzy.

“Don’t worry. You are safe here in the hospital. And you can stay with my wife and I until you have fully recovered. But let’s call you just Abby for the time being. You can enjoy some quiet life with us until the world finds you again. For now I need you to lay back and relax. Your body was over exerted yesterday. Please sleep. How does that sound?”

I nodded. Because once my head hit the pillow again I was once again out. I would enjoy my silent life as long as these people would accept me.

“How is she today? Do you think she will be able to leave the hospital? People are starting to wonder who the woman from the ER is? Mostly because you’ve been keeping her under wraps.”

“I think you missed a word. They are wondering about the beautiful woman in the ER. You can’t deny that, look at her; she is stunning. But she wants to stay anonymous. So I must respect her wishes. She should be able to leave here today if her dizzy spells stop. You will be in charge of her once she is gone. Take her to the supermarket to get her the daily essentials. Then take her to my house; my wife will do the rest.”

“Why am I in charge of her? Isn’t she able to take care of herself? And why are you letting her stay with you? We do have hotels in town?”

“David. She wasn’t a jumper. Don’t hold her in that box; without knowing all the details. I assume her car died about two hours from the hilltop. She trek to that hilltop because she assumed that was closer to people than to return the way she came. But also she wanted to experience something truly amazing. She didn’t know what the hilltop represents. After the long grueling hike to the hilltop her legs probably became numb when you told her to back away. It happens to people who over exert themselves physically. You need to cut her some slack. This woman told me she just wanted some silence. How miserable can someone’s life be if they came all this way to just enjoy solitude and silence. Now I believe Miss Abby is awake and has been listening to our conversation. Telling me she is well enough to leave. I’ll go start the discharge papers. David, be polite.”

I peeked open one eye. The doctor had left. Instead, in front of me stood a man. He was once again backlit. I raised my hand to shadow the sun to see him better. He was a tall person, probably six-two or six-three. He looked strong. I could see that as a necessity if you wrangle jumpers. He looked to be my age, maybe a little older. As I was looking him over I caught his eye and he caught me checking him out. I felt flush and he smirked. “Hi. Sorry,” I sat up in bed and stretched my hand out to him, “my name is Abby. Nice to finally have a face to the voice that helped me.”

His eyes darted to mine. I could see him searching to see if there was something to tell him I was indeed a jumper. But relief filled his face; so he did believe I just got stuck.

Did I get stuck? Was I frozen in that spot at that moment?’ This still puzzled me. My answer was yes; my legs did indeed get stuck in that moment. Even though my life is not perfect; I know I want to still experience living. I want to try something new. If I had gone there to be a jumper I would have not seeked solitude and silence. I wouldn’t have wanted anything. That’s at least what makes sense.

David took my hand in his. His hand was so hot to the touch, but it felt nice. It was a warming feeling, not harmful. “Hi. I’m David. I’m glad you are feeling better.”

The silence was deafening. I wanted silence, but this was too quiet for my liking. “So, what is the plan for today?”

“No need for small talk. You already heard everything a moment ago. Once you are dressed and ready I’ll take you to the supermarket. I’ll step out of the room for you.” David exited the room.

‘Right. I did hear them. But at least he’s a gentleman.’ I climbed out of bed and started to get ready to leave the hospital.

I walked out the door and I felt exposed. I had no makeup on and my hair was so dirty and messy. I was in my clothes from before. They were clean, but my shirt had gotten torn up so my bra was exposed. My jeans were fine thankfully; so I used my backpack to cover my chest. ‘I’ll get a shirt when we go to the store.’ “Okay. I’m ready,” I looked to David. He didn’t say anything but his glance to my backpack made me grip the bag tighter.

David took off his flannel long sleeved shirt and handed it to me, “wear this; the tare is on your side as well.” He held the shirt out to me and turned his head away.

I glanced to my side and indeed you could see everything. My bra, my side, my back. I dropped my backpack and frantically put his shirt on. It was warm as well, it felt like a hug. He was hugging me. ‘No. What!? That’s not happening. Wow…’ “I’m covered. We can go now.”

David started walking to the exit.

I still felt exposed. What if someone saw me when we were out. I wouldn’t mind it if I was clean. I picked up my backpack and dropped my head down. But what happens when you walk with your head down, you run into things. David had suddenly stopped and I plowed into his back. “Aahgg! Sorry!” I backed away from him. Even though I wanted to stay closer to him. ‘What’s with me? I came here to escape people. I’ve never felt the need for someone before.’

David turned to look at me, but I still had my head down. I felt small, and wanted to disappear. Suddenly I felt a hat on my head. I adjusted it onto my head and turned to look up at David.

“I’m assuming you don’t want to be recognized. This will at least help you stay incognito.”

He was kind. Except for the medical staff that have been taking care of me, he was the first kind person I’ve met in a while. “Thank you,” I lifted my head up. David was looking at me.

“Keep your head up. Cowering will make you stand out more. Act like you belong and no one will notice.” David walked out the exit doors.

‘Act like I belong. I feel like that’s all I’m ever doing. I want to be accepted for who I truly am. Loved even.’ But I listen to David and lift my head up while I follow behind him.

No one noticed me at the supermarket. While wearing David’s shirt and hat I blended into everyone else. I was just me. It was refreshing to go to a place and not be hounded for pictures or signatures. However David is the town favorite in everyone’s eyes. Found out he’s four years older than me. Because an older woman, about sixty, asked if he was old enough to get married to her yet. He had leaned down and kissed her hand saying that he was merely a twenty-six year old man. It was an odd exchange, but he explained afterwards that she asked him that every time she saw him. She was missing her late husband.

Whenever someone would talk to David I would stand a couple paces away. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Not because of my appearance, but since David was so popular I didn’t want to be thrown through a tornado of questions if I was recognized. Also then David didn’t have to try and introduce me; what would he say. I’m an acquaintance. A friend. A jumper. A celebrity. I didn’t want to be put on the spot. Instead, I was enjoying just following behind David and watching his life unfold in front of me. Not being the center of attention for once was refreshing.

David stopped the car in front of a cottage styled house. It looked like a house from a fairytale. “You good? This is the Doc’s house. His wife Olivia is waiting for you. Do you need help carrying your bags?”

I wasn’t listening. I was looking at my potential home for the next few days, weeks, months…however long I could stay. It looked charming. It seemed like that home that you would come to visit grandma. ‘If you had a grandma who wanted you. Stay positive!’ Where there was nothing but love. ‘What would that even feel like? Being wanted just for a hug. Nothing in return. Nothing demanded for raising me. No backstabbing for jealousy. I don’t know if I can be here!? They might not want me. Why would they? I’m a stranger. Maybe I should just leave?!’

“Hey,” David threw open my door, “you okay? You don’t look so good; should we go back to the hospital?” David started to dig out his phone.

I stopped his hand from searching; realizing I had intentionally touched him I pulled my hand back. “I’m good. Sorry. I’m just worried I’ll be an inconvenience to them. I’m wondering if I should just find a hotel.”

David just stared at me. “You’re not an inconvenience. Believe me Olivia is going to be so happy to have a guest. Howard works so much that she is often home alone. Their granddaughter is usually off with her club members doing gigs. So Olivia will be ecstatic. I thought you were frowning about the small simplicity of the home. Not something you celebrities are used to.”

‘So he did know who I was. But why did I not like hearing him call me a celebrity. I like it better when he calls me Abby.’ “No. I prefer the simplicity. Grandeur always comes with contingencies.” I grab my backpack and grocery bags and climb out of the car.

David grabbed the bags from me. He ushered me towards the door. “Go ahead. I’ll carry the stuff.”

I walked up to the door and knocked; but I didn’t realize how much that knock would change my life.

An older woman opened the door and pulled me into a warming hug, “Dear child, you are here! Welcome.”

…A few months later…

Well…I’ve been here almost three months and it’s been wonderful. The people here are amazing. A handful of teenagers did recognize me, but they agreed to stay quiet with some signed merchandise bribing. Not a bad deal. They said they would help me keep an eye on things, and let me know if I needed to hide away for a few days if fans were coming.

Olivia Chester was amazing. She was the most welcoming woman I have ever met. The first night I stayed in their home was the first time I had felt any true love in years. That she actually cared about me; no matter what I needed. I broke down and sobbed that night realizing that I was the one that ruined my life. Because always being the dutiful daughter, artist, role model, without a balanced life is a pointless life. Your life is for you, not the fill everyone else’s cup; your cup needs to be filled first so that you can share with others.

But yeah. This town was perfect. It was small enough for me to hide, but it was still large enough for me to explore my surroundings and make new acquaintances. Friends even. Mrs. Evelyn, a neighbor, has taught me how to bake pies. I’ve never had the time to learn anything new; that who knew I could make a mean apple pie. I burned the first few but she didn’t give up on me. And now I make pies occasionally for others.

Mr. Baxwell, is a “blacksmith” as he calls himself. But he does various craft. He does metal, wood, glass, clay, etc. he seems to be able to do everything under the sun. But he’s letting me decorate pieces. I’ll paint pottery, help with the glass blowing, stain woods. I’m not great at any of it, but I’m enjoying to learn the new skills.

Olivia’s granddaughter Chrisy has asked for my advice on some of her music for small gigs. I’m actually pretty good at this job, I have some experience in the music world. Haha! But she keeps my secret, even from her band mates. They are all huge fans.

David…he seems to be avoiding me. Like I’m not good people to associate with him. Which saddens me for two reasons, but grateful still. One, he is truly a great man. He is the most popular in town for good reasons. He helps everyone in town no matter the size of issue. Two…I’m totally falling in love with him. I had already fallen out of love with my previous boyfriend about six months before I found out he had cheated on me, but because of my life I couldn’t reveal my brake-up until my label said it was okay. That’s the big part of being celebrity that is the worst. Everything has to be moves and counter moves to stay on top. But for me I have been single almost eight months. But David would think it’s only been two months based on public knowledge. That would come off as too flippy-floppy; that he was my rebound. Which is not true! Because he would be my forever man if I could tell him my feelings.

I would be so happy; if he loved me back. But this comes to the reason I don’t act on my feelings. Because as I’ve said, David is super popular; so much that he has many admirers. And some are….frightening. Like they would probably track me down and put an end to my new life just so that I would have to leave and they could be David’s only possibility. So I stay silent.

Fans or admirers can be scary; I know because I’ve had my fair share. A few that still give me nightmares. I shuddered pushing those memories away.

So instead I’ve been filling my days up with crafts, baking, walks, talks, etc. Like now, I’m laying on my bed enjoying the fading sunshine, while just letting my mind wander.

“Abby dear, could you come here a moment?” Olivia calls from downstairs.

“Coming!” I scurried up from my bed to search for Olivia. This was a normal thing for me to do. I was told I was not allowed to pay for my stay; instead I was asked to help out whenever I was asked. I still help pay, but I just don’t tell them about the money; I’ve been hiding the money in various places. Watching Olivia find hidden money is a true joy. She acts like a child who found a rare treasure.

“Where are you?” I call out as I reached the bottom of the stairs.

“In here, daring,” Olivia calls from the kitchen.

As I step into the doorway I see a man standing at the island. His back is to me. ‘David?!’ No. I knew it wasn’t him, but that was my gut’s first reaction. David wouldn’t be here to see me. ‘I’m nobody to him…Positive!’ I perk up my attitude as I walk towards Olivia who is talking to the new stranger.

“There you are Honey,” Olivia comes around the island to me, “this is my godson Andrew.”

Andrew turns around and sticks his hand out to me. I accept the handshake out of curtsey, but I’m confused at what’s happening. Andrew was a couple inches taller than me. He was well put together. How he was holding himself, I would guess banker or doctor. Those professions just had an air about them. He was handsome, but my mind was just going through a list of why David was more handsome.

“Andrew is in town for tonight. I didn’t know if you two would like to spend some time together? Not as anything, but just so that you, Abby, could have a night out. I love you being here, but you should be out there,” Olivia waved her hand in the air, “around people your own age.”

I knew what she was meaning. That I should be socializing; not staying as a hermit. I’ve been a shut-in these last few months. I’ve just been enjoying the peace. Not socializing means I’ve been able to stay hidden. I didn’t want to leave this town, this home, this family. Howard and Olivia had become the parents I always wanted. I didn’t want to leave them. But I should still live. That’s why I escaped my life. To live.

“Would you like that, Miss Abby?” Andrew offered his hand once again, but this time it was an offer.

“Sure. But let me go change first.” If I was going to go out tonight, and if it would possibly be my last night to remain anonymous; then I’ll go out being a knockout. ‘Out with a bang! I don’t know why I said that…Olivia says that…then okay. I can say that!’

I didn’t go crazy with my outfit or makeup, but it must be drastically different than I have been, because people have been staring at me. I decided on a pair of fitted jeans, black halter top, jacket, boots. Maybe the difference is usually I’m rarely wearing any makeup and my hair is in a tight bun. But tonight I did some eye makeup and my hair is stunning. Like the magazine photographers would love me to do a photo shoot right now. I’ll admit, I did look good. But I didn’t do it for anyone other than myself. My confidence has been returning as I’ve stayed in this town.

Andrew and myself walk up to the only bar in town, but it had the best music, food, and atmosphere. Also another appeal for tonight was Chrisy was playing. I was excited to see her doing her thing live! I thought that since tonight was probably my last night left alone, I should support Chrisy in person once.

Walking through the doors, the place was already in full spin. The music was blaring. People were out on the floor dancing. Drinks were being consumed; heavily consumed. Maybe nobody would remember I was here tonight.

Andrew guided me to a booth, away from the stage. Which I was bummed about, but could understand because there were so many people over there.

I watch the dancing going on; I’ve never seen so much dancing in such a small space. It seems like people are all over each other. ‘Line dancing! That’s what it’s called!’ I had only ever seem line dancing when I did a duet with a country artist. I can now understand why he had been so frustrated with the dancers he was given for the music video. He got beginner line dancers; what he probably wanted was these professional level line dancers. It was truly fascinating to watch their boots hit all the steps in unison.

I didn’t mean to be ignoring Andrew; but I had no interest for him. He was just an ordinary man. Nothing wrong with ordinary, just not for me. And he seemed to have no idea of who I actually was, because all his topics were all financial banking or investments. Banker. I had been right. Instead I wanted to be in the action. I actually wanted to be surrounded by the sea of people. I wouldn’t have minded to be on stage in front of these people. Or even being seen for who I truly am. I stayed polite though; after all, he was Olivia’s godson. I didn’t want to insult Olivia’s kindness.

“Welcome ladies and gentlemen to this night at the Border Bar! I’m your host Mr. Ralphie! If anything is not up to par, then you can go find another place to be, because here at the Border Bar, we are happy with what we offer. Back to business, put your hands together for the Quad C’s!”

Chrisy was up!’ There was no way I was missing this. I scrambled out of the booth and went and stood at the back of the dance floor, catching glimpses of Chrisy and her band getting set up on stage. I was so proud! She looked so good with the guitar across her body. I missed that feeling. The feeling of doing something you love.

“Do you miss it?”

I looked to my left to see David on my side. He looked different. He was clean shaven, haircut, dark jeans with that same flannel from when we first met. He asked me something…’do I miss it? Right…? Do I miss it? Yeah. Yeah I do. Realizing that hiding wasn’t the answer. That to be someone accepted as my true self, I needed to actually be my true self.’ “Yeah. Realizing it right now, that I miss singing and performing.” I leaned closer to him. He smelled of cedar. He smell good. He smelled, ‘don’t go down that rabbit hole. No spiraling tonight. You look amazing. You feel amazing! Have an amazing night!’ I refocus back on Chrisy! The drums hit and they started. They were amazing! Especially Chrisy. I would totally be up to do a duet with her and her band. ‘That’s a thought!’ I was clapping along to the music, not caring about anything in the world.

“Can I have this dance,” David offered his hand to me.

“I…um,” confidence gone. I was not expecting that from David. But I wanted to dance with him, especially if tonight was my last night free. “Sure. Why not!” I took his hand in mine. I pulled him into the group of dancing and just stood there. You wouldn’t know, but I’ve never taken the initiative to dance with someone. I didn’t know how to start it. I could feel warmth creep into my cheeks.

David smirked, and pulled me to his chest. He placed my other hand on his shoulder, and his hand on the small of my back. I was so close to him. I wonder if he could hear or feel my heartbeat.

David pulled me slightly closer to him, “relax,” David whispered into my ear, “you look gorgeous tonight, by the way.”

I looked up into his face. He looked so handsome staring down at me. My heart was racing for a different reason. I wanted to kiss him. I never had this desire before. I was always the one who followed the pace of others, not me wanting to strive for more. My hand moved from his shoulder to his chest, I didn’t want to pounce on him, but I needed to test the waters first. I looked up at him and used my most pleading eyes. Not begging, but sweetly asking for him to kiss me. Hoping that, that was actually coming across.

David just stared at me. I could see his ears reddening. Also that smirk from before, was forming again.

I smiled at the sight of him.

“Oh Abby. You are one little trouble maker,” David breathed into my neck. He chuckled as he pulled back. His head was coming down towards mine…

“Do I see, Ms Abby Wayne in the house tonight?!” Mr. Ralphie called out over the speakers.

I lurched away from David just before our mouths met. I was exposed.

The spotlight found me in the crowd. I waved and greeted the light with smiles.

“Come on up to the stage Ms Wayne!”

I looked back at David, and his body language screamed disappointment, but he was smirking once again, nodding at me to accept my fate.

I turn back to the stage and walked forward. The crowds of people split before me. The whispers began. The finger pointing. The gasping. There was no more quiet life for me. Might as well do as Olivia says, ‘Out with a bang!’

Climbing the stairs of the stage I see Chrisy giddily bouncing excited about sharing the stage with me. I walk over to her and give her a hug. “You did so good! So proud of you!” After I released Chrisy more whispers erupted. Mouth gaping came from Chrisy’s band mates. She was going to have lots to tell after tonight.

“So Ms Wayne. Could we be honored with a song from you for tonight? What do you think folks?!”

The screaming started. The audience was pure chaos.

“Sure. No problem. But I’ll need some help. Quad C’s, you up for a duet?” I look to the band and still mouth gaping I also got lots of frantic head nodding. I walked over to them asking about song choices. They all knew my song, ‘Come And Get Me’, by heart so we agreed on that. I grabbed a spare guitar and I took my stance behind the microphone. It felt good to be back in my spot; doing what I know I love. The drummer called out, “One, two, three, four!” And we were off.

Several songs later I was finally getting a break. After not singing for so many months my lung capacity was pathetic. I was winded. But also the sudden change from being a nobody to being in the spotlight, literally, added some stress. I couldn’t just walk through the crowd anymore; security of the bar had to guide me through. Also, I could no longer just hide in the crowd. Which I was happy to be singing again, but I also wanted to have the luxury of being occasionally invisible.

I headed to the bathrooms. Looking in the mirror I saw a face I hadn’t seen in a long time. A happy face after a concert. Realizing I’ve not actually been happy performing for a long time. I dried the sweat and touched up my makeup and deodorant. Feeling fresh again I ventured back out.

Andrew stood in the way. “So. No wonder you had no interest in my conversations. You are a celebrity. Does my godmom know who you are? Of course she does; she said you’ve been here for a few months. Have you enjoyed your time of slumming? You could have told me who you were; it would have been polite. I wouldn’t have agreed to bring you if I had know. Celebrities are not someone I want in my life. Too much drama. Didn’t you just break up with your boyfriend!? Already looking for fresh meat,” Andrew gestured behind him, “like that guy you almost kissed out there. Did you even remember you were already on a date before you wanted to make-out with a different person?”

Everything he was saying was true and not true. But honestly, no. I didn’t think about him at all while I was with David. ‘David! Was he still here? I really wanted to talk to him.’ I tried to walk past Andrew. I didn’t really want to have this conversation with him. I would apologize to Olivia, but this ‘outing’ was officially over.

“No way am I letting you go. No. No. You are here with me, you’re going to stay that way. I don’t want anything from you, but maybe I’ll use your existence for some potential investments. You owe me that much. Especially with you almost kissing a rebound with,” Andrew didn’t get to finish his sentence because David had Andrew by the collar and smashing his face into the concert wall.

“Apologize! Now!” David loudly grumbled to Andrew.

Andrew attempted to nod his head, but decided against it has he rubbed his face against the wall, “sorry. Okay. Can you get your bodyguard off of me now?”

“David.”

David’s body relaxed slightly. He released Andrew’s collar and shoved him down the hallway. “Leave!” David pointed to the exit sign. Andrew exited through the door.

I sighed of relief. One nuisance gone. I looked at David. He still had his back to me. The almost kiss flashed in my mind. I’m truly sad that I lurched away from him. I wanted that kiss so much, and I still did. But I couldn’t just bring him into my world, he had to decide to be apart of it. My world was completely different than his. Even though I selfishly wanted to make him enter my world so that I could finish that kiss. ‘No. It has to be his choice. It’s a lot to take in.’

“Do you regret it?” David asked with his back still turned.

‘That’s a loaded question, if ever!’ But I need a clarification. Because he could be meaning anything. “David,” I grab his sleeve, “look at me?”

He didn’t move. I didn’t know if he would. My heart was cracking. But he did eventually turn. I could see the hurt. I wanted to hug him, but I needed to answer him first. “What are you asking me?”

David looked off to the side; he didn’t want to meet my eye, “Do you regret what almost happed on the dance floor? You jumped away from me when you were recognized. Am I really that embarrassing to be associated with?” David started to leave.

I latched onto his arm. He tried to pull away, so I hugged him from behind. I buried my face into his back. Our hearts were racing. I let my hands tighten at his waist. “No. I don’t regret it,” I felt him pulling away. I held on tighter, “No. Wait! I don’t regret removing myself from you in that moment, because you have to decide if you want to be fully apart of my life. I can’t force it onto you. Even though I really wanted to just stay and kiss you in front of everyone. But I don’t want to force you into my world. It chaotic. Full of rumors. Drama. Rude people. Etc. So yes. I regret not kissing you, because I desperately want to, but I’m happy I’m giving you a chance to decide whether you want this or not.” I released my hands from him. I drop my arms and step away from him. He’s in control now. If he walks out that door, then I’ll accept it. ‘I’m going to ball my eyes out, but I’ll accept it.

It felt like forever waiting there. My heart was cracking more. I…

David took a step forward.

He was leaving!?…

He tuned around and quickly grabbed me, and pulled me to his chest. His hands, one on my back; the other in my hair, I felt him release me ever so slightly. He looked down at me and he placed his lips on mine. Our kiss went from sweet to passionately within seconds. But also within seconds David pulled his head away from me. The look in his eyes told me so much. That I was finally loved for just being me.

…Ending…

Well as you should have guessed it, I’m officially dating David now. And amazingly enough I’m still in the town of Bidder. Turns out I can have a singer career anywhere. I do a lot of different kinds of singing now. I do online concerts. I teach singing. I do small gigs here in town. I do world tour concerts. Anything is possible with a good team behind you.

But life didn’t really change after that night. Yes. My existence was known throughout the town, and my singing was posted on social media, but I didn’t let it phase me. I continued to learn to bake, paint pottery, glass blowing, etc. Which Mrs Evelyn and Mr Baxwell were happy, because they made bigger profits after realizing they could put my name on their products. I’m happy to help the people who helped me rediscover myself.

But David. David has been my rock through it all. He hasn’t changed much. He maybe gets a haircut more often. He’s a bit more presentable, but I’m totally for it because it makes him extra handsome! But he has taken everything with stride. He still kisses the hand of the older woman. He is still incredibly popular, I think more so than me. But I love him. I truly do. I’ve never loved anyone, the way I love him.

But tonight is a big night for me. I’m preforming at the Border Bar once again. But this time I’m singing my newest song called ‘Will You Come To My World?’ I wrote it for David.

“Hey babe,” David called out to me.

I turn to see David down on one knee, holding a bouquet of roses, in the middle of the makeshift dressing room. “David!?!” He brings up a little box, inside revealing a beautiful ring. I feel tears whelling up in my eyes.

“Abby, will you marry me?” David smiles that smirk that I love.

“Yes! Of course!” I lean down and kiss him. The ring and roses are nothing compared to the man I love. He kisses me back, and begins to chuckle between kisses. “Abby…kiss…Abby!” More kisses follow.

I finally pull back, he pulls me in for one more kiss and then finally pulls me back from him. He digs out the ring and puts it on my finger. Tears are swelling out of my eyes. Happy tears. My smile cracks into laughter. He holds me while perched on his knee and we laugh together.

“Please welcome, Ms Wayne to our stage once again!”

I walk out to the microphone. Back to my comfort place. I’m beaming. I’m doing what I love, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life with the one who loves me most. “Hello! I’m going to start off tonight with some exciting news! I’m engaged!” I show off my ring to the audience. The crowd erupts with clapping, cheering, and excitement. “I’m dedicating this song to the love of my life, David! He came into my world and gave my life meaning again. And lots of love! I love you, David!” And I start up song. Staring at David the entire time.

…The End…

Three? I think it said three..!

Tell us about your favorite pair of shoes, and where they’ve taken you.

Three different pairs of shoes came to mind.

First: My black combat boots.

Those shoes were throughout my teenage years. I wore them everywhere. They were so comfy. They laced up, but had a zipper. They went mid shin. Oh! I loved those shoes. They made me feel confident.

They took me to several different places. They took me to trivia nights. I was always so nervous to go to trivia. I’m not a social butterfly, but I wanted to try and work on my social skills. Those boots went with me.

I wanted to go to a Ball. (Yes. Think princess) but I had to stand before a panel of judges and say why I thought I should be selected as a Pasadena princess. I wore those combat boots. I looked cute, but compared to the other girls around me I looked tough. Haha! To help end your curiosity, I was not selected. But I still got to go to the ball, just because I tried. Getting ready was more fun than actually being there. That was too much socializing for me.

I wore those boots when I had coach banquets. They helped me walk into a situation I did not want to be in. Public speaking. Terrible. But my shoes were cute.

The shoes finally died. I really do miss that shoe. Maybe I’ll get another pair one day. But I got those from Nordstrom rack. They were on sale for $50. Normally $180. I can’t afford shoes like that anymore.

Second: My wedge sandle heels.

I love these heels. They are the most comfortable high heeled shoe I own. The straps are a light tan color. The wedge is light brown. They are quite tall. About three inches. So I’m taller than my husband when I wear them.

But I feel so pretty and fancy when I wear those shoes. My posture is also perfect when I wear heels.

Fun story. My mom and I got the same shoes at the same time. I tried them on and said they were so comfy, that my mom found a pair, rusty orange straps, and she thought they were super comfy too. So we got them together. I don’t think she has them anymore. But I do!

They are currently in storage. But occasionally I wish I had them currently. Some outfits would just pop a bit more with those shoes. My confidence would be back. I’m not one, but some women can wear the heels and deal with their toddlers. I can’t. My toddler is super fast and sneaky. Heels would just make it that much harder.

So as long as my feet stop growing with having babies, I’ll wear them again. At some point.

But they have taken me to dances, family weddings, dates (with hubby), all events where I felt the most fancy, just because I could dance the night away in those shoes. (without any pain!)

Third: My black short snow boots.

Its silly. But I’ve had those boots for so many different milestones in my adult life. I had them as my first daughter grew up. I wore them 95% of my pregnancy with my son. Also with my newest daughter.

I hiked trails, our old property, sledding, snowman, snowball fights, etc. And the boots still live on today. Merrel footwear is awesome! Expensive!! Buy them on sale, but they last for several years. Instead of buying a pair of shoes every two months for $12, it makes more sense to spend the price tag and not buy shoes for several years. (Not a sales pitch, just like the shoes!!) I like to use things until they are falling apart. And even then I still keep them sometimes. My husband usually has to throw them away, because I can’t seem to part with them.

But yeah. Those black boots are my favorite! But there is no snow…so they are too in storage. I can’t wait to have a closet big enough to have everything out! And me and my daughters can have a fashion show in mommy’s closet.

I’m excited for that day. I really want an extra closet in the house. And I’ll put all of the clothes I’ve been hanging onto. And for chores my daughter will get tickets. The tickets will allow them to wear clothes from that closet. But not to keep.

Just a way for them to “shop” without actually spending their money. Instead it’s hard work “buying” them.

I don’t know if that will be a thing, maybe they will just raid my closet like I used to do to my mom and sisters. (With permission) but good memories.

I think my most used shoes right now are my slippers. I wear them everyday, for almost 80% of my day. They are old, flat, and uncomfortable, but free. I like free.

Enjoy your Thursday! Just finished making my tortillas. Hubby wants Chicken Tortilla Soup tonight!!

Short Story #19

Oh my gosh, Jackson!?!’ He stood in the doorway to the kitchen.

Mrs. Stokes had invited me to their Thanksgiving weekend knowing my parents were out of town on medical business.

I of course came. Because I had been coming to their house almost every year my entire life. I’ve missed all holidays these last four years because of college, and that I just stayed on campus because it was just easier for my parents. Not that they didn’t love me or want to spend time with me. But they were specialists of their fields and would be sent off to various countries. It’s been so long since I was back.

But back to Jackson. He was my childhood crush. He was the typical off limits older brother. He was only three years older than me. I didn’t see it as a wide age gap, but he constantly would call me his little sister.

But he looked good. He had grown maybe another three inches, now over six feet. He was tanned, toned, looked strong. His hair was more blonde than last time I saw him. Which was over five years ago. I hadn’t seen or heard anything about him for the last five years; so I just assume he is married and started his life elsewhere.

As much as I wanted to stay and continue to stare and fantasize about Jackson; I didn’t want it to be known. Especially when his girlfriend or wife appeared. A crush is harmless; if kept secretive.

I walked past Jackson and into the kitchen. That’s where Mrs. Stokes was preparing the food. I thought it would be better to sneak by without acknowledging him.

“Hey Katie!” Jackson was grabbing my arm. He pulled me back to his side, “do you not recognize me? It’s me, Jackson.”

I looked towards him. He was so perfect up close. But he was touching me. His hand was so warm. I looked up into his face and saw he was actually concerned I hadn’t said hello to him.

“Hey Jackson. I didn’t want to interrupt your conversation with” I gestured to all the guys around us; they all acknowledged me with a head nod or a lifting of their drink, “so I was just going to say hello to hostess. But sure,” I brushed his hand off of me; I was afraid it would leave a burned handprint on me it was so hot, and turned towards him, “hello Jackson. Nice to see you again.” I answered a little more polite than necessary. Just to leave some distance between us, incase his other half came. I turn to continue on my quest to Mrs. Stokes.

“Really that’s all,” Jackson reaches out to stop me again.

I step away letting his hand drop, not making contact with me. Just because I allowed the touching in my youth, didn’t mean I wanted to cause a misunderstanding to his girl or any other guy at this party. Because a crush was just a crush. I actually wanted to meet someone and have my own love story. That I didn’t want my future boyfriend to misunderstand my relationship with Jackson.

“For now. Yeah. That’s all. I wanted to say hello to the one who invited me. So please excuse me,” I backed away and continued to Mrs. Stokes who was prepping the turkey. I gave her a hug even though she couldn’t hug me back at that moment.

I didn’t know what compelled me, but I glanced at Jackson. His buddies around him were laughing and probably making jokes. But Jackson was staring intently at me. His eyes softened a bit when our eyes met. It was a weird feeling I got when I looked into his eyes. Annoyance, frustration, defiance. Like I wonder if he has said to his friends that I was his little obedient sister who listens to him best, and me being defiant ruined his example. Like I was part of a bet he made and he lost. So he was annoyed at me.

So I looked away and continued to watch Mrs. Stokes prep the turkey. She was my mom away from my mom. And I really wanted love and affection after Jackson’s death look.

After about an hour of hiding out in the kitchen Mrs. Stokes ushered me back into the living room. She told me to talk to new people. There were lots of people my age. That Micheal would be coming later today; that his flight wasn’t until four-thirty.

Micheal. My best friend in my younger years. He was truly like my twin brother. I know Mrs. Stokes was hoping I would marry Micheal so that I could be her daughter-in-law, but Micheal is just my brother. And I’ve actually met his secret girlfriend, she is awesome. So hopefully he brings her along today to squelch Mrs. Stokes dream of setting us up.

I made my way to the drink cart. I was going to stick with water. Alcohol of any kind, didn’t seem to agree with my body.

“Hello, I’m Henry Charch. And you are,” a man about my age stretched out his hand to me.

“Oh. Hello! I’m Katie. A friend of the family,” I shook his hand. “You said your name was Henry, how do you know that family?”

“Oh. I’m actually that idiots cousin,” he gestured towards Jackson’s direction. “I’ve heard about you from Mrs. Stokes. She says you are learning to be a Pediatrician. That’s pretty amazing. What’s your favorite part of your job?”

The usual conversation as soon as people find out I’m a doctor. They want to know everything. I couldn’t tell though if he was truly interested by my profession or if he was hitting on me. It happened often. After the conversation was dying off he handed me a napkin with his number jotted down. So he had been hitting on me. I nodded a thanks and slipped it into my back pant pocket.

To say this happened often would be an understatement. Which believe me I’m flattered. I truly am. I just wish someone talked to me without knowing my future profession. I don’t want to only be seen as a doctor. I want them to get to know the real me first. I’m so much more than a doctor.

But it does happen often. I’ve finally grown into my body. I’m about five-ten. My hair looks curly with no fizz today. I have on minimal makeup. But I just look grown up now. Like no braces, clear skin, some curves, pink lips, etc. I just look my age now. Once that happened I was actually approached all the time. Which was comforting and flattering. Because I was not “that girl” growing up. But I knew I wasn’t going to meet anyone at this party that didn’t know my background. I wanted a spontaneous love story. Our eyes meet and we get to know each other slowly. But I’m at least courteous; I hold onto the numbers and discard them in a trashcan, but not at the party.

So to not be approached again, I disappeared out onto the balcony. And into a large loveseat. Enjoying the nice breeze and the silence. My job is constantly swarming me with people and noise. Sometimes I enjoy some alone time. But silence always puts me to sleep. I curl up off to the side, for a short snooze.

I woke because I felt a presence next to me. My eyes shot open and I sat up a little.

“Don’t worry Katie. It’s just me,” Jackson placed a hand on my calve. His hands were still so warm.

I still sat up, and the jacket fell to my elbows. ‘Someone covered me up?’ I glanced at Jackson and he only had a white short sleeved T-shirt on; so it was his jacket draped on me. I gathered it up and offered it back to him. I was extremely grateful for the jacket; because now the cold breeze sent a shiver through me; but I didn’t want him getting cold. ‘Why did I still care?’

Jackson chuckled, grabbed the jacket and swung the jacket over my shoulders. “Arms.”

I swam my arms into the sleeves. The cold breeze stopped instantly, and I felt warm once again. “Thanks Jackson.”

“Yep.” He continued to drink his water and look out at the mountains.

So I too sat in silence looking at the mountains. It took all my self control not to smell the jacket. My crush creeping back up. I thought of his girl; this sight would probably shock her. I didn’t want to ruin a relationship. “Jackson. I don’t think I should be wearing your jacket; your girlfriend might misunderstand.”

Jackson spat out the water he had just drunk; ruining his composure. He was sputtering and coughing. “What? Who said I had a girlfriend?!” He managed after the coughing subsided.

Hope was creeping up inside me. But I had to stay realistic; of course he would have someone, “no one said anything. I just assumed you would be dating someone now or even married. Am I wrong?”

“You’re wrong. I’ve been too busy to date anyone. College was more like a never ending internship for my now job. This is my first real vacation since forever.”

‘No girlfriend. Never a girlfriend…?’ That’s crazy. He’s gorgeous. There’s no way he didn’t date for the last five years. I just continue to stare out at the mountains. It must be about two o’clock now. The sun had shifted. I had napped for almost two hours. My night shift must have actually take a toll on me last night. This was also my first vacation in the last five years. I guess it’s not that unusual to live a solo life. I just realized that Jackson’s hand was still on my leg but that it had crept up to just above my knee. The heat was building. I tried to maneuver away from his touch.

“What’s with you Katie. You are keeping your distance. You move away when I touch you. Is it really that appalling. You were never like this in our youth. You always were around me, always. You’ve never once tried to reach out, I’ve only got info on you from my mom. Now that you are a doctor, are you too good for me to know you?” Jackson removed his hand from my leg.

I missed his hand in that moment, but it was gone. I just didn’t want to stir up my crush again. I didn’t want there to be any hope that I would be crushed later on. “I’m not. I just want to keep some distance between us incase someone misunderstands.”

“Who’s going to misunderstand? The guy from before who handed you his number. The napkin that still lives in your back pocket. You are worried about my distant cousin,” Jackson stood up to leave.

I stopped him. I jumped up and grabbed his clenched fist. His hands were hotter than before. “No. I didn’t want someone to misunderstand you. I wearing your jacket, sitting next to you on a loveseat, your hand was on me. I didn’t want the person in your life to misunderstand. I really do enjoy your company. I just don’t want to ruin a relationship with misunderstandings.” I let go of his hand that was now less tense.

The his hand caught mine abruptly. He maneuvered his hand to interlock our fingers. He sat back down on the loveseat, and he pulled me down with him but right next to him. I was so close to him. I could hear his racing heart beating. He smelled like pine trees. Being so close to him, he seemed bigger. I tried to release our hands. “Jackson let go of me.” I tried to wiggle free.

“Nope,” he held onto my hand with a death grip.

I still tried to get free. But I decided to just deal with it later. I used too much energy that I sat back against the cushions. I could feel the slumbers coming again.

“Just sleep. I’ll be here.” He let go of my hand, and instead put his arm behind me, pulling me closer to him.

My cheek now rested on his shoulder-chest area. His heart beat was constant and repetitive. Thump. Thump. Thump. I was out in moments.

When I woke up I was not outside. I was not in Jackson’s arm, instead I was in a bed. I opened my eyes to find I was in the forbidden Jackson’s room. I was sleeping in Jackson’s bed! Part of me was so excited, but my other half was terrified. That this was farther than I wanted to be. How did I get here?

“Good, your up,” Jackson came into the room. “Dinner is almost done. Did you want to eat in here or at the table with everyone?”

Jackson was so nonchalant about the situation. The fact that I was in his bed. That I was sleeping here. That he must have carried me through the house from the balcony. Knowing that everyone was going to misunderstand us. Like how could I now go out and eat with others. I just glared at him.

He smiled. He laughed as well, “sorry Katie. It started to rain so I brought you into my room. You were out cold. But it worked out in my favor. Now everyone out there knows you are taken. That you are mine.”

‘Mine.’ That word jumped out at me. His. What did he mean his? His right now? His forever….I didn’t know what to say.

He expected something. Because he walked over to me on the bed. Sat down right next to me and pulled me up to look in his eyes. “You are okay with this right? I assumed you were willing with you staying next to me outside. With you feeling comfortable enough to fall asleep on me. That you understood me…?”

I saw the panic in his eyes. He was worried that he assumed wrong. He didn’t; but it was nice to see that he cared about me enough to questioned if he had been wrong. Not that he assumed I was going to accept his advances no matter what. That it was still my choice at this point. I put his panic to rest. I leaned in closer to him and placed my cheek into his chest. His heart was beating so fast from panic. I reached around him and hugged him. I felt his arms slowly react and hug me back. He breathed a sigh of relief into me.

“You scared me Katie. I just did so many things out there when I brought you to my room; that I was worried I was going to have to apologize to some people.”

“What did you do?” I moved away from him slightly, but he pulled me back.

“I gave the napkin back to my cousin. Said that she was taken. I also told mom to stop trying to ship you with Mike; that you would only be his sister.” He stroked my hair.

I managed to pull away from his embrace and look up into his face. I saw the confident Jackson, but I also saw a hint of blush on his face. He was flushed. Haha! It was cute to see on him.

“Do I see red in your face, Jackson?” I teased him. It was my right, as his girl… ‘what am I now?’

My feelings must have shown. “What happened, Katie? You were all smiles right now, and now you look terrified!” Jackson scooped me up onto his lap.

He held me so close to him. That I tried to escape his embrace, but he wasn’t going to let that happen. “Jackson!…Let me go…”. You’re squeezing me…!”

He released a smidge, enough to look me in the eye. Our faces were so close. “Katie. Tell me what’s up? I’m not letting you go until you do.” Jackson’s body seemed to relax into the bed enough to get comfortable but his hands still held me firmly on his lap.

Just rip the bandaid off.’ “What are we now? You said I’m taken to your cousin, but what does that mean? Am I a practice for you, a starter. Did you just get jealous that someone else was interested in me, and this is just a phase for you? What am I to you?” I ripped off a bit more of that bandaid than I had meant. I was so embarrassed. I really wanted to not be in his arms now. ‘Let me go, Jackson. Let me die in hole.’ Instead I just buried my head into his neck. Not the best idea because he smelled of dreamy pine.

“Katie. Katie. Katie! Look at me,” Jackson’s body was tensing again.

I recoiled from his neck and looked into his eyes once again. His eyes were steely blue. I was drowning into them…’come back to the present Katie!’

“Have you been dating these last five years?”

I laughed. Which I’m realizing now not a good response when faces are so close. I shook my head.

“Have you been crushing on some guy these last five years?”

You.’ I couldn’t say that but I couldn’t say no, because that’s a lie. And I could very well say yes, because then that secret would be revealed. However, silence was not the answer.

“So you do have someone you like. He must be a tool for you to think that when a guy says “she’s taken”, that could mean anything. You have bad taste in guys.” Jackson released me and scooted me off of his lap.

I could feel a distance from him now. I missed his warmth. ‘But really!? My taste in guys is awful…haha! It’s you, you idiot.’ The silence was deafening. ‘How do I answer?’

“At least it’s just a crush,” Jackson grabbed my hand back into his, “meaning I still have chance to make you think only of me.” Jackson pulled me up to standing with him. “We are heading back out there. I’m showing you off, by my side. Everyone is going to know you are my almost girlfriend.”

‘Girlfriend? He was meaning I was his girlfriend….so if I hadn’t freaked out earlier, he would be introducing me to everyone as his girlfriend…? Stupid. Stupid, Katie!’ I really wanted to smack myself in the face.

Jackson started towards the door.

He stopped suddenly and I smashed my face into his back. ‘Well…I did get smacked in the face…just not how I thought…haha!’ I looked up to Jackson’s face. He was troubled with something. Maybe I should just put him at ease. “Jackson, I…”

Jackson’s hand tensed around my own. He threw open the door and started through.

He still looked troubled. “Jackson. The person I’ve had a crush on is…”

He turned to me. Cutting me off, “Is it Mike? I can handle pretty much anyone else. But not my brother.”

“Jackson. My crush is…”

He turned away from me, “No! I deserve a chance to win you over without knowing my rival. You will change your mind today.” Jackson started pulling me away again.

I tried to stop him, but as I said he was a lot stronger now. “No Jackson. Jackson! Wait!” I wiggled my hand free from his grip.

He stopped. Flexing his hand. Realizing my hand was gone.

“Jackson. My crush is you. It’s always been you. The last five years. The last ten. You are such an idiot,” I was trying to make it lite hearted. But he didn’t turn towards me. He didn’t move. Did I just sound too desperate? Do I seem unattractive now? Should I have just stayed silent? I didn’t want there to be any misunderstandings, that’s how people get hurt. He was hurting because he thought he had to win me; but I’m hurting now because he is silent.

I thought the silence before was deafening, but this, this is way worse. There was no way I was going to go down and eat with everyone now…that failed confession. I had dreamed about that moment for years, and that was not how I wanted it done. I crept back to his room. As I closed the door, Jackson’s still stood in the same spot. My heart split as I closed the door.

I made it to the bathroom, somehow. I turned the faucet on for noise and I collapsed to the ground sobbing. ‘How could he just stand there? How could he give me so much hope, and then just crush me. How can I ever come to this house again?’ I needed silence. A panic attack was coming. I needed peace. My head was swimming. I saw the bath tub. I started filling the bath tub. Submerging my body was going to help. It would cut out all the noise. Leaving on my tank top and shorts I stepped into the filling tub. The warm water felt nice. It was comforting. I turned the faucet off as it reached my neck. I needed my brain to shut off. I needed my brain to stop swirling. I submerged myself.

Jackson

“It’s you Jackson!” That’s what Katie just said! She likes me. She’s always liked me. “You’re an idiot,” she also said; which is true too. Why hadn’t that ever been a possibility to me?

Throughout growing up she’s always been hanging around me. She was at first a dumb little sister to me, but now she was the girl that made my heart jump when she walked into the house hours ago. She had grown up well, she was so gorgeous now. She was the first girl to make me notice her. Her completely avoiding me helped spike my interest even more. She blows me off when she first arrives, and now she is confessing to me that she has liked only me. Me! The guy that wanted to tare my cousin to pieces when he was hitting on her. The guy who wanted to kiss her while she was on my lap. But she confessed to me. ‘I’ve probably been standing here too long…

I turn to pull my girl to me, to find no one there. She left? No way. I would have seen her walk by me. Or would have I? Maybe it was one of those moments where you are standing in dark space debating things to yourself. The door was closed. Did she close it on her way out? Now way I’m missing this moment. She’s not escaping me! I quickly walk out to the kitchen. Where the train of hungry people has started. I see my mom off cleaning the stove, “Mom. Have you seen Katie?”

“Hmmm? Oh hi Jackson. Did you succeed in having a daughter-in-law gift for me this thanksgiving?” Mom smiled as she cleaned the stove off.

“No. Mom. I…have you seen Katie. Things were said. And when I finally realized I was still thinking to myself, she wasn’t standing there anymore. She shocked me, I guess. Have you seen her?”

“Oh,” mom stopped scrubbing the stove. Her eyebrows furrowed. “No, honey. I haven’t seen her since you made your declaration to the family. Henry left by the way. You could have told him to back off privately.”

“Mom focus! Katie!” I looked around me and now everyone was looking at me.

“Dude,” Peter called out to me, “she must still be up there. We’ve been keeping our eyes open, waiting for you two love birds to come back. What did she do? Scale down the balcony to get away?” Laughter erupted.

‘Would she do that?’ I crossed the kitchen again and headed back to my room. She must have gone back into the room when I didn’t respond to her. I opened my bedroom door to find an empty room. The bathroom door was closed. Which I know I left open. As I walked over I heard the sink faucet running. I knocked on the door, “Katie? Katie? Please come out. I’m sorry I didn’t respond. Let me in,” Jackson waited for a response. But nothing came.

Peter’s words came to mind, ‘did she scale the balcony?’ There was a window in the bathroom…”I’m coming in, Katie.” I cracked the door open. The sink was still on, I turned off. The window was closed. I looked around and I saw the skirt and sweater that Katie had been wearing. Then I saw the sunken body in the bath tub. Katie!” I rushed over to the tub and scooped up Katie’s, hopefully alive body. “Katie!! Katie!”

She started sputtering and coughing. Wriggling in my arms. ‘That’s a good sign.’ “Katie! Are you insane!?!” I pull the plug to the tub. I reach back to her. She was still coughing but she was just shivering now. I grabbed a towel from the counter and draped it over her body. She still was silent besides the occasional coughing. I scooped her up into my arms and carried her to the sink counter. I sat her there and I grabbed the hair dryer and began warming her up. Her cheeks were starting to have color again. I was so pissed. Not really mad at her, mostly surprised that, that was her reaction to my silence. I was more mad at myself for not immediately turning around, after her confession, and kissing her. She wasn’t looking at me. She was looking down and away from me. I want that teasing attitude back. I want her look at me again with her brown eyes. I want to claim our first kiss. “Katie. Look at me.”

She didn’t move at first. But then slightly her body shifted enough so that she could lift her head up to look at me.

Her eyes were red. Swollen. She had been crying. I could see the tears forming again. I wanted to put her mind at ease. I wanted her smile back. I wanted…I kissed her. I pulled her towards me, deepening the kiss. She would know after this kiss she was mine. I continued…She kissed me back. She was mine.

Begin Painting Again

I’ve actually started. I’m painting again. With oil paints. And I’m going to be selling them in a gallery. I’m determined to do it!

But something I forgot with oil paintings…is that it takes a while for them to dry in between layers. So I started a second painting a couple days ago.

I haven’t done anything for two days. I’ve been too exhausted trying to coexist in a home that I’m not one hundred percent wanted…but I can do it for a few more months. Or however long I need to, but it’s eating away at me. Because I cannot say anything because we have no where else to go.

But anyways. I started painting again. Here are my two paintings I’ve started.

Mapping out
First day.

For some reason the second picture makes me think of mermaids and lemonade. Haha!

Mapping out
First day.

I love landscapes so much!! So easy! But this is still just the mapping out phase. I like how it’s coming.

But I’m going to do it. I’m going to sell art. I feel like pascal from tangled. The determined “do it” face. If you know, you know.

I’ll say where I sell them at so that you can see them officially online if you want. When the time comes.

Coming Home.

What is something others do that sparks your admiration?

Soldiers coming home. That’s what I thought of when I read the prompt. Strangely, soldiers coming home to surprise their loved ones have been in my short videos lately. Those videos always make me cry; I always tear up.

I’ve never had this experience. No one in my family went into the military. Which I know was a huge bummer to my brothers. But became of eyes, asthma, etc it was not an option for them. (they have new passions now.)

But I admire all the military. That they do the hardest job. They leave their loved ones to protect us and our loved ones.

So I continue to watch the solider coming home videos. Even though I’m always in need of tissues. Because it is a reminder that what they are doing is worth admiring.

So admire them, thank them, care for them. They deserve it. You are free because they protect.

Have a blessed Wednesday ❤️

Word Of The Day: Perdition 11-25-25

Synonyms: a state of eternal punishment and damnation into which a sinful and unpenitent person passes after death.

Escape this!

Fire and darkness,

Waits for you.

Perdition is not the only option.

Turn to God!

Accept His hand,

Ask Him to come,

And make you new.

Live life for His good news.

Spread the Word to all,

Everyone come.

Live eternally in heaven.

Peace and light,

Waits for you.

My faith has been reignited within the last few days. A pastor who I’ve been watching said, “Focus on habit and not feelings.” So I will turn away from what has been keeping me back and away from God. And I will put God back front and center!

I’ve been not really living a very Christ first, life these last eight years. I’ve not really listened to a sermon for eight years. Sermons can be heard every day of the week not just Sunday, I just discovered. Haha. I’ve just been going through the motions of being a Christian. But with my faith being awakened. I’ve realized how the devil must have snuck into a door I thought I had closed from my past. And he’s been lurking making me not living fully.

Like I relied on God being there for me when I needed Him. But not that He needs me to spread his Word too. And that He’s always with me, not just when He is needed.

But it’s amazing. I have more energy in a day. I’m not exhausted by bedtime. I am less frustrated and angry. I have more compassion for others. I’m enjoying reading my Bible. Sharing what I learn with my mom. It’s amazing when you restructure your life back, with God first. That life gets better.

Have a blessed Tuesday!

God Bless!❤️

I Wish.

What’s the first impression you want to give people?

People just get the shield I throw up in social situations.

My first impression is not by my design. I am still socially uncomfortable. I’m not awkward I’ve come to find out, I’m uncomfortable.

So as much as I want to give a great first impression, I usually am quiet, alone, and terrified.

I probably look angry or annoyed to others. That my resting face was glaring and now it’s scared.

So yes I would love my first impression to be confident, or togetherness, or calmness. But instead it’s my shield of I’m uncomfortable and I don’t want to be here. Haha!

But having kids has really helped me. I can’t have my shield up when I’m with my kids. So if my kids are with me, I am less terrified and more focused on them with a hint of acknowledgement that people are there too.

So as much I love quiet alone time at home, in social gatherings I need my kids around. Because through the years I’ve gone back to being quiet with grown ups.

I don’t know how to be around people. I haven’t needed to living up north. But going to church last Sunday was a huge wake up call, that all the hard work I did before is gone. I started to have an anxiety attack again. But I was able to trick my brain into still functioning because I was holding my baby girl. I could give her 100% of my focus.

So…I guess what I’m saying from this is don’t be discouraged if you are someone who is socially awkward or like me, uncomfortable. You will evenly find something that helps you. For me it is my kids. I know for others it has been a pet, topics, food, etc. maybe all you need is something tangible to touch to keep you grounded in gatherings. Mine before was doodling. I would be drawing in a corner somewhere. This is still my go to if my kids are not around. But mostly it’s because I love to draw. But try different things. I hope and pray that all challenged social people find the niche. Also I pray that confident social people go easy on us. It takes more then just throwing us into social situations to make us be immersed in people. But to us, we are drowning in anxiety if you do this.

So for both sides. Be patient. It can get better with hard work.

Also. Sometimes people’s first impressions are not the truth. That’s it’s just their shield that protects them. So don’t write someone off after the first meeting. That it can take a few for them to show you their true first impression.

Have a wonderful rainy Sunday!

God bless ❤️

Depends.

Do lazy days make you feel rested or unproductive?

When it is a well deserved lazy day I enjoy it throughly. I just lay around and rest. Because I deserve it. I do so much in a day that I deserve a down day every two weeks; sometimes only once a month.

But the days where I have to be lazy…where my kid is sick, where it’s raining or snowing, where I didn’t get enough sleep; I feel like a slacker. That I’m not doing enough.

Like yesterday morning, all from scratch, I made 4 batches breakfast potatoes, eggs & sausages, waffles, strawberry jam, strawberry paste, bread, froze the avocados…and I still felt lazy to make PB&Js for lunch. And I again felt lazy when we had leftovers for dinner.

I just can’t seem to make my days easy. Because when I do, I feel like I’m not doing enough.

But it seems like emptier days are heading my way. Now with an hour of open time, I’m going to do craft projects with my kiddos. Or science projects. Or reading books. Etc. I’m finding the good. Not that I will have an hour of free time for myself. But that I’m going to use it on my kids in a new way.

Enjoy your Friday 🙂

Photo By emily2jane
10-17-25

Short Story #18

Julie

Tonight is going to be the night. He’s been single a bit of time. I’m going to confess to Jake Hagen again. I confessed to him about five years ago; without knowing him at all. And he was actually in a relationship at the time. A secret one.

He told me, “you can’t just confess to someone because you like them. You have to get to know that person first. You have to observe and figure out if they are a match for you. You can’t just dive into a relationship to see if you are compatible.”

So I knew we were opposites from the get go. I fell in love with him at first sight. I knew in that moment that I could like him, no matter the difficulties, differences, or challenges we would face. I just knew in an instance that I liked him. It was one of those storybook moments. He saved a kitten from a tree, he kicked a soccer ball back to a group of kids, and he helped an older woman cross a street. I knew in that instant we had similar ideals.

And I haven’t been stalking him this entire time, or anything. Yes, I’ve been instigating random appearances into his life. And again we have so many things in common. He loves sports. I love sports. He loves chicken. I love chicken.

But now it was finally my chance to confess again. It has been five years. Five years since that first attempt. But hopefully this was going to be my final confession.

Jake excused himself from the table to use the bathroom. We were out to dinner in a group of about twenty. This was my moment. I wanted my confession to be private. Intimate. Just us. I excused myself too from the table to follow after Jake. ‘This is my chance.’

I jutted behind a pillar. Peering around the edge, I see Jake and Patricia facing each other in the courtyard. My heart dropped. Patricia, Jake’s ex girlfriend six years ago. All our friends say that Jake became closed off more after his breakup with Patricia. I’ll help Jake out and end this unwanted meeting.

“Can we get back together? I miss us?” Jake grasped on Patricia’s hand.

My dropped heart now shattered as it hit the floor. ‘What!?’ I stepped back behind the pillar. Hugging myself. Controlling my tears. ‘Keep them at bay.’

“Oh Jake. No,” Patricia brushed Jake’s hand off of hers. “We were not good together. Anyways you should find someone more in your own social circle. Our compatibility is miles apart.” Patricia dug her phone out of her purse, “Hey I’ve got to go. My boyfriend is looking for me. Goodbye.” She walked out, back towards the restaurant.

Jake just stood there defeated. Whereas I still hugged myself behind the pillar. I was less upset about Jake’s outburst and more about how cruel Patricia acted towards him. She just let go of a great amazing guy. ‘Let’s still try this. Maybe I can mend his heart with a heartfelt confession.’

I stepped right out into Jake. We collided. Falling backwards I reached out for Jake. He caught me thankfully, “thanks Jake.”

“No problem. What are you doing here?”

“Umm. I came to talk to you. Do you have a second?”

“I guess I have all the time in the world. What’s up?”

I glanced at Jake. He was looking at me, but he was looking past me. Zoning completely somewhere else. ‘Just go for it. The worst he can say is no.’

“I like you Jake! Will you be my boyfriend?!” I shut my eyes. I could feel my face burning.

Silence. Nothing. I gradually opened up my eyes. Jake was still standing there zoning out. “Jake?” I waved my hand in front of his face?

Jake’s head jolted up, “huh? What? What did you say?”

I sighed. He didn’t hear me. “I still like you Jake. Will you be my boyfriend?” This time I kept my eyes on him.

He looked at me. But Jake shook his head and sat down on a chair. “Come on Julie. Stop joking around.”

That stung, “I’m not. I’m serious. You told me five years ago to get to know you first. I have, and we are so similar. So I’m confessing again.” Having to explain myself is not what I thought I would have to do. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

“Seriously Julie. Why didn’t you take the hint. I was telling you I’m not interested. Not that you need to spend more time on me. We won’t be good together. You should find someone more your age from your social circle. Our compatibility is miles apart.”

‘He didn’t. He actually used Patricia’s words against me.’

“Wow. So all these years you’ve been doing what exactly? Just toying with me. You personally invite me to come to different outings. You lend me your jacket when it’s cold. You drive me home. You met my family. You’ve held my waist. Protected me from random drunk strangers. All in the name of friendship.” I was fuming. “And now you throw Patricia’s words at me. I…I” I’ve been so clueless this whole time. I was so mad at him, but my body was still frozen in that spot. ‘Why am I still standing here?!? Move!’

I stepped back from Jake. Jake. The guy I thought was on the same page as me. The guy that I thought had been seeing me in a new light. Confessing to him was right; because now I can stop this stupid fantasy. My heart closed off from Jake in this moment. I no longer have those feelings for him. Now I’m just going to see him as an example of what not to look at in a man. There’s got to be someone out there for me. I turned and left the restaurant. But I didn’t stop there. My life was not tied down here. I could pack up everything and move. That’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’m leaving. Leaving this place. Leaving these friends. Leaving Jake. I’m gone.

Jake

My head was killing me. It was thudding and throbbing. ‘What did I drink last night? Right. Everything.’ I pulled my body up out, of what I hoped was my bed, and dropped my head into my hands. Sitting up was way worse. I opened one eye and shut it instantly again. It was too bright. I must have forgotten to close the blinds. I toughed it out and opened my eyes up and my eyes burned from the sunshine. But I took in my surroundings. I was in a courtyard…I was on a…bench…

So I wasn’t in my room at all. I was still in that awful courtyard. The place where I was humiliated by Patricia; I had been a few drinks in by then. Then I discovered that Julie had heard the entire conversation. And she said something to me…I can’t remember what. My headache was blocking out that conversation. I just remember her face being sullen and sad. That whatever she said she must have left unhappy. “I’ll apologize to her later.” Just amazed that I’m still in the courtyard. I’ve been on many ragers, but I’ve always made it home. I must have been hammered last night.

I miraculously made it home. But I just woke up from my couch. Must have been asleep for several hours since it was dark again.

I guess I should get a recap of what happened yesterday. Surprised that Julie hasn’t been over to check on me. In the beginning, I was annoyed by her reappearing appearance in my life, but now that’s what I’ve become accustomed to. And she makes the best hangover soup. Probably saved my life over these years, because of that soup.

And would know what all transpired last night. Pulled out my phone, “Dude. What happened last night? I’ve got a wicked headache.”

Laughter filled the phone. “You were really far gone last night. You wanted to drink everything behind the bar. I don’t really know what happened last night except your wasted talk. Something about Patricia. And Julie. Whatever you did to Julie, dude she is pissed. She took off moments before you came back from the bathroom. Jenna had gone looking for Julie when she didn’t come back. Maybe talk to her for my info. After that apologize to Julie. She really was upset when she left. She didn’t say anything to anyone. I only know she left because Jenna told me.”

I hung up. After listening to Andy I was getting a gut feeling like something terrible was said to Julie. For me to remember her sad expression and knowing that she just left. That was unlike her. Few years ago I told her to think about things more. Not to put all her eggs onto my basket. I was a mess after breaking up with Patricia. I was pissed off at everyone. Now I’m used to her being around. I could see myself dating her. She’s actually pretty cool. We have similar likes. We have the same friend circle. We have the same morals. I just haven’t pushed for it since I left the ball in her court five years ago. If she had said something about wanting to date. I probably would date her. At least try and see if it’s what should be done.

“Jenna. Do you know what happened last night? I completely blackout after I ran into my ex. I just remember Julie being there and leaving with a sad expression. I just have no clue what really was said.”

“You are a real jerk, Jake. First you break Julie’s heart, and now you say you can’t remember why. Really a huge jerk.”

Nothing is making sense.’ “Just tell me what you know.”

“Pretty much. Julie followed you to the courtyard to confess her feeling for you. Ask you if you wanted to start dating. But witnessed your plea to Patricia to take you back. Julie stupidly thought she could make you happy after that by confessing. But instead of you telling her that you need some space, you decided to ridicule her and say that she was stupid for not understanding that you never have and never would like her. I’m hoping you said that out of embarrassment and not really meaning that.”

‘Man. I’m an idiot.’

“Then your excuse was what exactly what Patricia said to you. You threw it back in her face. Big jerk. You threw away probably the only girl who has ever treated you good. She’s been taking care of you through the years. I guessing you didn’t make it home last night, right? Yeah. Julie has been the one making sure you get home after your ragers. No matter the time she would be there to make sure you got home. And now she’s gone. She left. She didn’t tell me where, so don’t ask me. But she packed up that night and left. You wanted her gone in your drunk speech, so she did just that. I hope you are happy now.” And Jenna hung up the phone.

I still gripped my phone. How could I have said that to Julie. How could she just leave. How was I supposed to continue…

Three Years Later…

Jake

I’ve cleaned myself up. No more ragers. No more drinking. I’ve been dry now two years. And I’ve been searching for Julie.

Jenna wasn’t kidding when she said that she was gone. She really left the night. I didn’t realize that she was living so casually. That she could up and move in a day. Found out that, that was because of me. If I got a job elsewhere she would be able to follow me.

After my hangover ended I started to remember what I said to Julie. All the harsh things. Then her pointing out all the things I had been doing; giving her mixed signals. I was a jerk. A colossal jerk. I can’t believe I said that to her. I blew it. I can’t believe I said I never had feelings. Which is true. I didn’t in the beginning and then in that moment I hated her for seeing my pathetic side. But I didn’t mean bay of it. And now I have no way of apologizing for being a complete idiot.

I’m actually a couple counselor. I had the toxic relationship and the right kind that slipped away. So I’m actually pretty good at noticing the tell tale signs. When relationships should work I help them back together with my experience with Julie. And when a relationship should end, I talk about Patricia.

Like the couple I’m listening to now. They need to stay together. The things they are fighting about are small and easily feasible to resolve.

“Okay. Enough. You both are grabbing at straws. You don’t really need to be in my office. Karla you love him. You know you do. Don’t listen to your friends about their opinions on how a marriage should be. All marriages are different. Justin. You know you are just hurt that Karla is changing. She’s not really, because after our sessions you are both on track. Unless it is me, don’t listen to outside advice. The best things you can do in a relationship is be open and honest about your feelings. Believe me I know that terrible communication can lead to losing the best person in your life.” I told them about Julie. Not every detail but enough to show them that it can all slip away in one moment.

“Dr. Hagen. Is your first name Jake?” Karla asked.

That was unusual. I’ve never given out my full name, “yes, that’s me. Why do you ask?”

“Your experience sounds a lot like a friend of mine. She crushed on a guy for several years and me then once she confessed all went to crap. To sum it up. I wonder. Can you tell me her name?”

“I don’t really want to pull her into this. But it will stay between us in this session,” I looked to each of them and they nodded. “Her name was Julie Carr.”

Well Karla’s friend indeed turn out to be Julie. But I now have more to what happened. Julie left and moved to Arkansas; a random place but she found a good job there. No wonder I couldn’t find her. She was over two thousand miles away. But she now is married with a son. They are happily married. Which stung a smidge, but I’m happy she didn’t stay single always alone. But Karla did tell me that what happened with me did shape her. She didn’t approach her now husband; she waited for him. She did invest a lot of time into her dating life, but kept it hidden. Her husband had a crazy ex girlfriend experience so he made sure to find someone better for starting a future. And he did. He found the jackpot.

I’m happy for Julie, but I’m also confused about how I am feeling. I happy for her, but I think deep down I was hoping she was still single and that I could make up for my mistakes and win her back. Now knowing that, that is not an option I am left feeling incomplete.

Instead I’m going to use this knowledge for my future counseling sessions. I now can give the points of I was an idiot and lost her, was a idiot spending years trying to find her and fox things, only to miss out on a woman who probably would have me very happy. That it can all slip away from you. I tell couples to cherish each other. To hold on dearly, because if you are not careful they could be gone the next day.

…The End…