Eyes open.
Light floods.
Neck & spine.
Stabbing pain.
Burning sensation.
I can’t move…
I CAN’T MOVE!
Tears spilling.
Unmovable legs.
Feel nothing.
Get up…
GET UP!
Nothing happens.
Don’t worry.
Only a nightmare.
Back to sleep.
This is one of my fears.
The young woman sitting in a room surrounded by people giggling and laughing and enjoying themselves. She sits there doodling in the edges of her journal trying to be courageous and speak up and join the conversation. Every time she lifts her head to chime in the people shift their bodies away, probably because of the breeze from the window, and continue their ramblings. She continues to sit there alone, on her stool, against the wall. She feels invisible to the public and she feels like if she were to stand no one would notice. No eyes would turn towards her as makes her way to the door. Some heads might turn when the bell above chimes, but would quickly turn away when they don’t see anyone. Instead this young women sits quietly and listens to the mumblings of the surrounding peers.
Being invisible is not so bad. You are able to sit alone for long amounts of time and listen to others as they talk away without the realization of someone listening. But what would this young woman do if she was to hear some scandalous news…no one would hear or even care. Someone mentions her name and her head jolts up in recognition, but the name was wrongly used and they do not notice her sudden movement.
This woman can no longer stand the avoidance. She tucks the pen in the journal and puts the journal in her bag. She stands up tall, just for herself because no one can see her. She wades through the tables careful to not bump anyone, because they would blame a neighboring table. She makes it to the door and the bell chimes as it opens. The door is opened for her. She steps across the threshold and a young man looks into her eyes and says, “Have a nice night.” He enters and closes the door behind himself. This young woman stands immobilized like her feet are glued to the floor. Her power of invisibility must be wearing off, and she follows the sidewalk to her car with a small skip in her step. Because if one can now see her, maybe there will be more.
“Jane…Jane…JANE!”
I shoot up and my pounding heads warns me with a stabbing pain to my forehead that I should lean back or I might die. I lean my head back closing my eyes hoping the pain lessens.
“Ha ha ha…”
That voice seems familiar, but it is also slurred and almost too quiet to find any distinction. Thinking about this voice draws a figure to my imagination. The figure is obscured but then I remember and recognize the voice.
“Yes, poor Jane. It is me,” David snickers to himself having it echo throughout my brain.
That Cretin. Why can’t he be like all the other voices? They have all been stored perfectly and none of them interrupt my sleep with their words. And of course only David’s voice is so obnoxious sounding. “Please leave my mind and find a place for you to be in peace,” I feel stupid pleading with my own self but thankfully I am alone in my room.
“I do not have that luxury. I forever must stay in the foreground of you mind watching your pointless imaginations never become reality. Maybe I will be quiet for a small amount because this corridor of memories seem interesting.”
Not my memories…what if he destroys them?
“Yes, Jane that is why I will leave you for a moment. Hopefully I can cause you much pain as you have me.” And his voice disappears, but I can still feel him echoing inside my head.
I open my eyes and my room is just the same as Yesterday, but has it been only day is key. This time I raise my head and only a burning sensations engulfs my head and spine, but I am able to look across at the mirror hanging on the wall.
I slide over to the edge of the bed, because I dare not stand before I can actually feel my legs. Swinging my legs off, my toes touch the icy cold floor and I drape a small blanket over my sickly legs. However, in this sitting position I cannot see my reflection in the shard of glass about six inches above my head. So I tie the blanket around me like a skirt, brace my arms on the bed-frame, and hull myself into a standing, sort of, position. I adjust my position to see my eyes when…
In burst the deep red shadow and it lunges and grasp its claws around my throat. My sight dims away and the light leaves my essence. I feel my already stiff body crumple to the ground and drift into the abyss.
“Let go of her, even though I wish I could kill her on the spot we still need her. She is the key to our existence.” I guess they thought I was unconscious, but once this other voice began talking the deep red’s grip loosened. “We need her to recover and now it seems she will need another day. Leave!” This second voice was harsher and squeakier.
The deep red throws me back against my bed as I hit my head on the headboard and I drift back into the sleepless slumber, now with just a new concussion.
…
I open my eyes and my body is curled up onto a beautiful beach blanket and my skin is a stunning tone and it shimmers in the sunset. I feel no sense of cold or my injuries; I only feel alive and renewed. My clothes are made of the smoothest and shiniest material and it brushes my skin and it feels like someone is softly petting me. I glance a distance forward and there is the deep striking waters dancing against the sand.
I brace myself for a fall, when I attempt to stand, but truthfully all my pain is gone. Only the beautiful warmth engulfs me. I spread my arms and hop, skip, jump, run towards the sea without a care in the world, because there is only me. I continue to the water, but the air changes gradually to a humid but chilly temperature. I wrap my arms around my chest trying to keep warm as I watch the sun slowly drift downward to be swallowed by the sea. Goosebumps appear on my arms from the change in weather and I look back towards the blanket wishing I had brought it with me to snuggle into.
I think I see movement just left of the blanket in a bush, but I doubt myself because I am too far away to see clearly. The sun has drifted down so far that now as the figure steps out from behind the bush it is in a natural deep shadow, unlike the shadows in reality. The shadow has form: shoulders and legs. Even though the shadow is about thirty yards away I can still make out the shape of the head and the arms swinging syncopated with the legs.
However, the figure is making quick speed and is now about twenty yards away and I turn back towards the darkened sea, but now there is no sense of light anywhere in sight. I turn to look back at the figure and I am engulfed in black. I can make out no figure, no trees, no sand, no sea, but there is me and the sound of steps crunching in sand coming towards me.
The goosebumps have sprouted hairs and they stick up in fear and now there is only cold air. This dream is not reality, I can wake up at any time. “Wake up!” I shout out loud because I want to scream myself awake. “Wake up!”
The continuous steps have turned into a run, because I hear louder thuds but less of them. I can hear the breath of the runner as their body comes closer. They seem out of breath and determined to reach me; like they must or else.
“Wake UP! WAKE UP!” The last scream sends me through to reality. I am laying in my bed and I feel sweat dripping down my face. My pillow is drenched and squishes as I move to sit up. I brace myself with my arms as I sit and there comes the splitting headache. It rushes to my forehead wanting me to lay back, but I feel a tingling on my wrist. It feels like someone is gripping my wrist and their fingers are pressed into my skin. Looking down there is no amputated hand grasping my wrist, but I can feel the spot where their pointer finger must have pressed into my inner wrist. I turn my arm expecting to see something growing on me, but instead there is a small, almost invisible flower on my forearm just below my palm.
I heard steps, in the hallway, outside my room, coming towards me. Without thinking I threw my pillow under my bed and curled up in my covers and laid perfectly still, hoping the steps would continue. I try to relax my body because it is crunched and tense, a dead giveaway that you are not asleep. I slow my breathing and started counting to ten. The steps continued…one…two…three…step…step… step…seven…eight…nine…step with a pause of hesitation…then step….step…step past my door and down a new corridor.
I dare not fall asleep again so I just lay with my eyes closed continuing to breathe slower and keep aware of noises. However, like anyone my slow breathing and relaxing of the eyes eventually creates a peaceful state causing you to want to sleep, but still with heightened senses. The skin right below my palm, where the flower now sits, begins to pulse to my repetitive breathing giving me something to focus on while I drift away.
About two brothers and their wildest adventures throughout their many magical days. Their interesting experiences causing you to see life from a child’s imaginative point of view. Also tagging along is their super-sidekick Ellie the Elephant who occasionally stirs up trouble.
It is the New Year and now is the time for people to state their New Year’s Resolution. Most of the time it consist of adults saying they will go to the gym every day and will feel accomplished when they can again fit into those snug jeans or tight dress. I think last year I said, “I will give up eating French fries!” My younger brother also took that oath and we survived one day; because, when your older siblings are eating them in front of you, you cave and stuff your face.
I was planning on setting my resolution to getting back in shape and go to the gym, but I already must do this. Because once I start my high school coaching job I want to be ready. It is of most importance because this year I get to coach the Varsity team, and if one of my athletes challenge me to a race I want to be able to still beat them. Actually no, I have to beat them so, they understand I know what I am talking about.
Instead, I have decided to look at life as an adventure. Last night I did a puzzle with my mother and I have not done that in years. However, when we opened the box it was revealed to us that two pieces were already missing, but we had no idea which two. When we saw that note we debated on whether we should even attempt to assemble the puzzle knowing it would not be complete. So, we faced that puzzle head on and believe me it was a struggle. Because knowing that two pieces were missing would make us continue to second guess ourselves whether the piece we were looking for was lost of just hiding under other pieces.
I guess, what I am saying, is I want to try new things in my life. I want to explore different possibilities and new activities. I have for years just stuck to the same cycle for years and years never feeling brave enough to break out. I want to attack my life with the understanding that sometimes things will not fit, or that if I finish a new activity I might not feel complete. I want to keep this image of an incomplete puzzle in my brain, but to not be afraid of jumping into life head on filled with courage.
An earlier post, I said I am an artist, but I guess I did not really specify what I meant by that. I want to explore and challenge myself in every aspect of my life. I want to bring an artistic side to everything in my life, whether it is: art, writing, photography, dancing, singing (only my car and close family hear me), speaking, coaching, etc. I am an artist and I am proud to be one, but I want to be an artist in every feature of my life.
So for people making their New Year Resolution remember if you falter off the course you have set remember you gave this goal to yourself; you can jump right back on it if you decide farther on. I know I will drift back into my old ways and try to fit my old cycle… but I want to be different this year and I am determined to be. (My competitive edge is helpful sometimes.) So to begin my New Year I will be signing up for two dance classes the East Coast Swing and the Argentine Tango…enjoy your New Year and discover who you want to be.
emily2jane 