Tag Archives: personal

Reflections

Looking Back

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Looking back through old photos on Facebook, I came across one from 11 years ago. It’s amazing how much time has gone by and How much I’ve changed since then. Funny as it may be I recognized my ex boyfriend. The ex-boyfriend that a child should never have when they’re 15-16. (Just my opinion) But I had one and looking back at it it was terrible idea and a great learning experience as well.

It’s amazing how looking back at my younger years I remember all the hardships I went through as a teenager, but also as all the great times I had.

In regards to the ex-boyfriend… This doesn’t need to be said but it’s what I’m thinking about. And I have a daughter now so my mind thinks of the future for her. My advice to her in the future would be…

If you like someone and they don’t know you exist it’s OK. Just live out your teenager years having a crush on that person and don’t need someone else. One of my friends convinced me that my crush would never know and that I should date this other guy because we would look good together. I was young and naïve and didn’t really know what I was doing. Also when you are young and wanting to experience love you just make stupid mistakes.

Another thing you don’t think about when we were young, don’t date someone who you are on a competitive team with. Because I didn’t know it was possible…but I wanted to break up with him probably two months before I actually did. I told my coach that things weren’t working out and I was going to end it with him. (coach always knew everything anyways so we always just told her everything). But in response coach told me, “hold off until after the season is over so he doesn’t compete terrible.” Never realized that winning trumped my happiness. I guess It did.

I guess my advice to my daughter would be keep that crush and just stick with that. If you never become something it’s fine. Crushing on someone is more fun than dating at that age anyways. Unless you find that person you’ve been best friends with since forever and you guys stick together and then end up getting married, but that’s one in a million… Just wait until you’re older to date. You were right mother! The other is don’t date someone you compete with because your coach might choose winning over you.

I guess the last thing would be don’t hold onto the crush for forever. When you both are leaving and going off and starting your life just confidently go up to that person and say, “ I liked you. You were a great crush to have through my teenage years. But that’s all it was was a crush. Thank you for being that for me. Have a great life.” And then just walk away.

Because if you don’t, it kind of is just there forever. If you don’t give your crush closure it just lingers. Not saying I’m crushing or anything, It’s just a weird feeling. I guess one sided crushes never really go away until you speak them out. To summarize: keep the crush and just do that, until one day you guys are both leaving going separate ways, just tell him and move on.

Cover photo: by emily2jane

Reflections

Happiness.

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Happiness is a strange thing…it finds you at the strangest of times. The moment you give up and don’t expect much out of anything, life throws you a curve ball and it hits you smack dab in the face. 

But it doesn’t hurt. It hits you, to wake you up! To a new source of happiness God has sent you. You feel all warm and fuzzy for the first time in a while. You can’t control your smiles or laughter. You are looking at things from a new perspective; you only see the rare colors of which make each thing unique. My whole body shivers with excitement, but of course also the cold. 

Happiness…I have experienced happiness throughout my life like: family, birthdays, friends, job, memories, etc. But if you know what I mean then you probably know why my heart sounds like a drummer’s solo has quickened and gone berserk. 

Thank you God!! I had given up hope on finding this happiness in life. It’s true until you surrender all your control to Him, is when he throws that spinning curve ball in your direction. Life is good, and I am curious to where it will take me.

Daily Prompts

Solitude.

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The Solitude…

When I hear this word, I first see myself standing on a mountain, being swallowed up by the multi-colored sunset sky, waiting for the darkness to approach me. I have no fear, no pain; I await the dark with open arms. Because I know that when the darkness comes so does the glimmering stars. They awaken the sky; causing the darkness to dance through and behind the stars. It’s strange because this is my first thought but then other images come…

Next, I am sitting in a filled room; all the bodies around me are of people I know. However, they don’t acknowledge me; I am just a form taking up space they wish to fill with someone else. I stay sitting waiting to be noticed. Chaos surrounds me and continues to move without intertwining with me. It’s like there is a force field separating me from them. I am alone in this crowded place, and if someone were to notice me they would see tears spilling down my face. This image has pain and fear; I am in solitude and nothing will change…

Then I see myself here…After a long stressful day, I come home to my loveable but loud family. My nephews are screaming with glee when they see me. My brothers want to discuss their most recent logical problems. My eldest sister is singing and dancing in the kitchen to the new song that dwells in her brain (she will be singing it for a couple more weeks). With all this going on, I wish to just travel through the household and bury myself into my bed.  I feel guilty for wanting to block out my family. Silence seems unattainable. Which in any other situation, I would feel comforted and loved but after that long hard day I want to be in complete solitude….

But no matter how I feel in these moments, I know I am never alone and I won’t ever be alone. Solitude: loneliness, privacy, isolation, seclusion, lonesomeness…are just some synonyms. I might feel loneliness sometimes, but I am never truly alone. Privacy is luxurious but also singular; I might know it but I rarely have it. So when I do attain a small shred of privacy I can cherish it for the small window of time I have. Isolation is to be alone without contact. I have a family which loves me and I get to see them every day; I am blessed because of this. Seclusion is alone and quiet. If I am in dead silence too long, I go stir crazy. Hearing the small giggles and voices steal themselves into my room brings comfort to my soul; I am not alone. Yes, in some instances of my life I feel lonesomeness…but even without my family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, students, etc. God is with me. He is in that sunset sky, His presence is beside my in the crowded room, and His love flows through my heart as I enter the loud loving house. He has me and I have Him. Until the day I die I am blessed.

Solitude…It’s not good or bad, it’s just what you see it as…

Solitude

Reflections

Proud.

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This year of coaching has been the best so far. I have enjoyed my other years but this year I have felt complete and ready for anything. Except today is our first day of our last invitational this season, and once again I have butterflies in my stomach. I’m guess I am still always going to be nervous/excited for them. But also I guess it’s about me…because if they do well than I did my job right, but they don’t then what did I do wrong. But I think I will not feel that way today, because I believe in them. 

My go to thing to say is, “I am so proud of my swimmers!” I understand that this is bland to many people. But I have trouble expressing my feelings to others. In my mind this statement does not express my pride in them, but maybe if I say it enough I will someday feel complete. No matter how they do today…

I am truly one proud coach, and I have been blessed with my swimmers this year. I could not have asked for a better group of kids.

Wish us luck!
The photo is of part of the team, they are not all there but the photo expresses the future.

Reflections

Art…

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For some Wish was mereason I love drawing this girl.

I do see myself, but I also see someone I wish I was. Its like this girl is at war with herself, this one in particular…

She is confident but shy. She is simple but vibrant. She is peaceful, but containing her wild side.

I feel this way all the time. Wanting to be one thing but afraid what will be the repercussion. No matter how I portray myself I am terrified.

So to me this picture is saying, “Be Brave…” which is what I say every morning I begin my day.

(Also I wish my hair was this color…)

Reflections

The Eating Machine.

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I have been doing this calorie counting app for about 2 months now. I am not using it as a way to diet or lose weight I was just more curious about what I was eating. As an athlete I could eat anything and it didn’t matter. But now as I eat this Greek Honey Yogurt I ponder on why I am eating it….

I’m hungry! And even if it takes up 300 of my calorie intake I will eat it anyways. Because I am one weird eating machine…

Saturday I ate the right amount of calories and I stayed the same weight. Monday I ate not enough calories and I gained weight. And Yesterday I ate too many calories (insert evil laugh, “Mwahahaha”) and I lost a pound. I don’t get it. Even my brother told me I was eating too much for dinner, but I was hungry so I ate it all! 

I know it won’t be like this forever, but I still find it odd…the funny part is the app graphs your weight as chart, and mine looks like jagged/vampire teeth…

I know this is a weird post, but it’s what was on my mind at the moment…It’s kinda funny to me. 🙂

Daily Prompts, Reflections

Fight.

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Fight…can be brutal, casual, abusive, exciting, debates, physical, empowering, mental, determination, childish, or just a fight.

I have heard many and experienced all of these types; I am sure I forgot some or I have not yet had the pleasure of experiencing them…

A fight can be in many different ways. It does not just mean a physical altercation with another physical body. I have experienced the brutal fight, but this one I was the controller behind the brutality. I know this makes it sound like I did something stupid but to me it was when I would race. In a 50 Freestyle it is a fight to win. In other races you can set your own goal and race your own race, but in a 50…you have to fight back against the other swimmers and hit the wall before them. So, if you want to be the winner you have to do many things, all at once perfectly, without screw up. It is the hardest race for most athletes and only the best get to race it in the big leagues.

So to me the brutal part in the fight to the wall was lack of oxygen. You must hold your breath, while sprinting, while fighting, while losing consciousness, until you hit the wall. And the controller or boss of your lack of oxygen is yourself. You have to want “it” more than air. You have to want to see black spots in your vision and win before you can have that healthy breath of oxygen.

I remember my coach always telling me to stop breathing. I thought that was kind of funny, because that’s something you say when you are extremely mad and you want the person to drop dead. But as a swimmer you hear this all the time. It is a natural thing to hear. My response every time was, “I know, I know…” I am sure my coaches were annoyed at me at some points of my career, but I am also sure they were excited when I swam. Because swimming was my fight. It was what drove me to wake up every day. It made me want to be an athlete. It has made me fight for want I want in life.

But it has also made me a passionate coach. This year I get to coach the varsity team; everything is faster, quicker and more intense. Not as intense as when I swam but way higher than JV. But, I can get a little too invested in my athletes lives. Some of them are swimming to stay in shape for polo season. Some are staying in shape for the summer. Some girls just want a good tan for that beach day. Some swimmers like swimming as a fun sport, but don’t have the drive. But I do have a handful that personally told me they want to be the best they can be, and they will work hard to be the best.

So, to tie in the breath control thing…we had a swim meet yesterday and I put all of them in the 200 Freestyle Relay so they could all do a 50. But also, relays have so much more pressure to them; they were one of my favorite parts of the sport. Because if you messed up your own individual race it was just “your” bad. But if you messed up on a relay or went to slow you lost if for yourself and three of your other teammates.

But on Wednesday, before the meet, we worked on breath control, I gave them an easy set, however the catch was that they could only take two breaths. Some of them they looked at me like I was crazy or it was an impossible task. You should only be taking 1-3 breaths in a 50. I always took 1 so 3 is giving them a buffer. I would say on average that 15 of my 22 athletes take on average 8 breaths in their 50…sometimes more like 11. So to some of them it seemed impossible. But I wanted to challenge that handful of people who like swimming but have never been challenged…they thought I was crazy, but they still attempted it…

They found that when you don’t breathe you push yourself harder to make it to that wall before you take that extra breath you don’t really need. If you put your head down and let your limbs pull your body to the finish the race will be over before you know it. As of right now, for them, it is only a 23-25 sec race. You only have this much time or less to be perfect. So if you take one factor out, breathing, then there is less to worry about. One less thing to have in your mind as you race and fight for the finish makes it that much easier to succeed. The fight is a fight to the finish…

Fight

Reflections

Random.

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While walking to my job I heard this statement. Yes I was eves dropping on a conversation, but the man said to a woman while walking their dog…

“A life without love, is what?”

I heard this and I thought about my own life…I have family, friends, colleagues, athletes, and most importantly God. My life is full of love! 

But then I thought about his statement; I pondered whether he was talking about her life or his…even without family or friends or others I have God. I prayed in that moment that God would help them.

Even if it was a hypothetical statement it still struck me…

A life without love, is what?…

Daily Prompts, Reflections

Begin.

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Every time I feel this feeling it jolts me back into the past…

I am again behind those blocks preparing myself for battle. My muscles sore but warm from the beginning. My mind goal-driven and not ready to back down from this fight. Swinging my limbs to keep them energized and lose, but every so often slapping them to make sure I can feel pain. This tells me I’m ready. The short whistles are called and I step towards the block. We are kind of like sheep being lead to either our death or success; only you are the deciding factor of this choice. They announce my race and my blood begins to boil, it is almost time. The long whistle blows and I mount that block. The firm cold platform is my rock; it is what sets me up to be my best before I begin. The block is like the beginning of my foundation…it makes it possible to see my goal at the other side. The official says, “Quiet for the start…” it is about to begin…, “Take your mark…” I bend my body towards the pool preparing myself for the next 24 seconds of my life. This is what I live for… “BEEP!” and I am off towards my deepest dream, to flow through the water; soar through it as if it is air. So much so that I seem to be flying through without any hardship. The flow of the water matches my energized blood; we need to be challenged to be great.

Adrenaline is my current; it is what jolts me back into the past. But now with coaching I have a new adrenaline flowing through my veins. I can only teach and encourage them to be better, and now I must watch from the sidelines trying to contain my competitiveness. It comes to me like butterflies in my stomach…but my body yearns to be in their place. Instead, I must now challenge myself to make the deck my firm foundation; the screams from my athletes the commands of my heart; and that moment when the official says take you mark…is to pack down the flowing energy inside my flesh.  There is no way around this, but to teach and encourage my swimmers to be the best they can be…and just know I am a competitive person and always will be.

Flow

The picture is from themomfred.com but I am actually one of the swimmers.

Reflections

Oh Bother…

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This is just a brief short bit…

My mom talked to me the other day about how some of my habits were self taught or mimicked from siblings or her. But I have just this minute, discovered a trait that I will probably always have…

I managed to spill coffee all over my new clean shirt that I just changed into…and now I ponder if I should go home and change or just wear it…?

But thanks mom, a habit I wanted to break is probably forever mine.

Love you 

A short poem in your honor…
Coffee

Delicious, 

And warm.

Creamy,

But chilled.

Drinking,

And savoring.

Gulping,

And enjoying.

Slurping…

But spilling.

Contemplating,

But sighing.

Living,

Just messy.