There is a guy in my class. He’s fascinating to me. He has dark black hair, but his seems natural unlike mine. He has a deep tan and he seems fit. But what is fascinating is that he seems to always be moving. Like right now, as we sit in class, his leg is twitching; like he’s itching to be gone. And like clockwork just before time is up he starts to gather up his belongings and shove it all into his backpack. The professor calls out class is over and he is gone. He fascinates me.
…The Next Day…
I plan to follow him today. I don’t have any classes or plans after this class, and I need a distraction. So as he gathered up his books, I did the same. I sat strategically in the back so that he would have to pass me to leave; then, I could just follow him. The professor called out and the following begins now.
I hadn’t even thought about the possibility that he might ride a bike. But thankfully he stuck to walking. More like speed walking. I had a tough time keeping him in my sights. Where did he have to be so quickly? But then he turned and walked into a cute little cafe. I thought he had stopped for a drink, but instead he pulled an apron up over his head and began working. Wow he had a job! Right after class too; that’s so cool! I decided I would just be a customer; until the end of his shift at least. I sat down and just as I got settled he came to my table.
“You have to order at the counter,” and he walked away.
I thought I was going to get a chance to talk to him but nope. Denied. So I took his advice and went and ordered a coffee and sandwich. I asked if it’s a bring to the table place or wait to take it? She answered to the former so I went and sat back down at my table. But again I felt his presence.
“Order number 2. Latte and sandwich. Is that right?”
He seemed to just stare through me, and not at me. Like he didn’t really want to be here. “Yep. That’s right. Thank you,” I tried to take the tray from him.
Instead he pulled it away and set the dishes down in front of me, and disappeared again. He really seemed to not be a talkative guy. But he was hardworking. Just like in class, he was constantly moving, and if he wasn’t he was twitching in place.
As the day went on I discovered that this guy was going to work until closing. Another worker told me after they saw me watching him so long. I decided to finish up my sandwich and head across the street to a bookstore. I couldn’t stay at the cafe for several hours. So instead I got another coffee and waited across the street, still watching the guy wiz through the tables doing his job.
Around 6pm, he finally left the cafe. He seemed to be slower; tired now. Which for me was great! I was able to keep up with his slow pace. I know it seems strange that I’m just following this guy around, but I need to focus elsewhere these next few months. And he does fascinate me. I wonder what he works so hard for.
So…this guy walks everywhere. We probably walked a good five miles before he hopped on a bus. Thankfully the bus seemed to wait or I would have missed it. We rode the bus maybe thirty minutes before he got off and started walking again. We walked another fifteen minutes before he headed inside a supermarket. Probably to grab some dinner for himself.
I stayed outside; finally taking in my surroundings. We were in a dark neighborhood. The only light was the one hanging above me from the supermarket sign. I wasn’t instantly scared or anything, but I realized that I might have jumped in too deep following him. There was movement around me, but I couldn’t see anything. Until a man walked up to me into the light and kept inching closer. Too close for my liking. “Can I help you?” I muttered out hoping to stop the moving closer.
But he just kept coming. Now I was scared. He was now in my personal bubble. I tried to step away but felt the brick wall behind me. I was trapped. Panic began to boil inside me until a hand grabbed my wrist.
“She’s with me. Back off,” the guy I had been following had pulled me behind him and now stood nose to nose with the creepy man.
The man just shrugged and moved away.
I let out a sigh of relief…
The guy turned in my direction gripping my shoulders tightly. “Are you crazy? Or just stupid?! Why would you follow me this far. I assumed when you noticed the distance you would have given up. Why are you so unaware. And why did you decide to follow me dressed like that. You could have been hurt or worse if I hadn’t stepped in.”
I was startled. I hadn’t thought of anything. I just wanted to get to know him. I just wanted to know why he worked so hard. I hadn’t thought about my clothes, but looking down, I noticed I was not dressed appropriately for the night. I was wearing a short skirt and tank top. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking…I’m sorry.”
He sighed. He looked over his shoulder. “We need to go,” he grabbed my wrist, hopped onto the new bus, and just as the bus pulled away a group of men walked up to where we had been standing. “What is your plan for tonight?”
I hadn’t thought that far. I just didn’t want to be home. “I hadn’t thought that far ahead. Is there anything in your area where I could stay for a night?”
He gripped the back of his neck. “Not anywhere safe. You’ll have to stay at my home. But just know it is going to be loud. You probably won’t get to sleep until late. And your cover story will have to be that you are my girlfriend. You good with that for a night?”
His place. Loud. No sleep. What was happening? Girlfriend. That part scared me. Because that meant close. I’ve never been close to anyone. But then I noticed that he was still holding my wrist, and that he was only inches from me. He was in my bubble, and it didn’t seem to bother me. I wonder why? But then I remember he had asked if that was okay, and when I turned to answer he was blushing. Which made me feel at ease, “Yeah. That’s fine.”
Then we continued the bus ride in silence.
It was around 8pm when the bus finally stopped. Still holding my wrist we walked off the bus and through a neighborhood. It looked rough around the edges but you could still see in the windows of homes, glows of light and you could hear laughter. A home with neither of those things is not a home, but a place to live. A home is better.
He kept walking until he got to the front of another house. He paused, “I’m going to have to make dinner for my family. You will be left alone around them. They are loud, but are very welcoming. Will you be okay on your own?”
I didn’t know. But a family. That’s a nice word. A welcoming family. That’s even better. I nodded in response.
He slipped his hand down my wrist and held my hand instead.
Loud was an understatement. As soon as we came through the doors the whole house erupted with laughter and hugs. They welcomed home their precious son. Jason. Jason was his name. He seemed to be the whole center of this family. There were three little girls, a mom, and a grandma. And you could see the love. My heart pained with jealousy. It all quieted when they saw me.
All eyes were on me. As if instinct I grabbed onto Jason’s wrist. He looked back at me, probably seeing my red cheeks of embarrassment. He smirked. He turned back to his family, “this is Kate. She is my girlfriend. She wanted to meet all of you.” Still silence. “What happened to my welcoming family?”
When I thought they didn’t like me, suddenly they separated Jason and myself. Shoved him off into the kitchen and guided me to the small living room. Where the three little girls snuggled into me. And the mom and grandma seemed to look at me in curiosity.
One of the little girls scrambled up from my lap, “can I play with your hair? It’s so pretty!”
“Go ahead, I’ve always wanted to experience that.” All three little girls jumped up with excitement to disappear into their room. Only to come back with brushes and all kinds of clips falling from their small arms. While my long hair was pulled and brushed I faced the mom and grandma who had been silent through this exchange.
“Well…umm,” I tried to end the silence…
“Where did you meet Jason?” The mom said suddenly.
“How long have you been together?” The grandma chimed in.
“What is your life like?” The mom again.
“What does your family do?” The grandma again.
Everything but that last one was fine. “Jason and I are in the same business class. It’s not been long. My life is fine but felt empty before meeting Jason. And…”
“Enough grilling her. Or she won’t want to come back,” Jason came back into the room at the perfect moment. “Foods done. Let’s eat!”
Dinner was delicious. I now knew why Jason was always moving. He wanted to be home. And I can’t blame him. His family was wonderful.
…6 months later…
After that first visit, I was hooked. I had spent the night at his family’s home and Jason had taken me home the next day. He had told me that I might need to come to the house occasionally to keep up the facade; until we could break up amiably. But that I was never to follow him again, and that I should just take the bus the whole way there. Or take an Uber.
Well I did go to his home. But I went often. Any chance I got I was there. I loved all the care and love that was in his home. I was even there when Jason wasn’t. I would spend time with his sisters. Letting them do my hair, my makeup, and nails. I learned to cook from his mom and grandma. They taught me many different things like cleaning, laundry, etc.
So to reward their lessons, I put them to the test, and I would clean their house. I enjoyed it. It made me happy to help someone else. I would help tutor his sisters. They were only in kindergarten but I would help them when they asked questions. Jason’s family felt like family to me. Everything was perfect.
Until one night Jason came home to find me cleaning the kitchen. I had never done any cleaning in front of him. But this time I wanted him to be able to start making dinner in a clean kitchen.
“What are you doing?” Jason came in a set the groceries on the counter.
“I thought I would help clean up the…”
“You don’t need to do that. I don’t want you to do that. We don’t need your charity. Are you enjoying helping the poor family that is barely surviving? Does it make you feel good being all holy around my family, because you are better off than us? Stop! Just go back home to your rich family and tell them of your day of helping the low class. Go!”
I was stunned. I didn’t realize he saw me that way. I thought we had gotten closer over these few months. On his days off we would go walking in the park, or go on picnics with his sisters. I thought our relationship had changed into something closer. But instead he just saw me as a person trying to feel better by helping them. Which was far from the truth. I loved it here. I loved his family. I loved hi….no. I couldn’t go there. Because I now had to say goodbye to another family. I dropped the sponge and went out of the kitchen. I hugged the little girls one last time. I waved goodbye to the mom and grandma. I gathered up my belongings and left. Left another home.
…3 Months Later…
Jason
It had been three months since I had seen her again. I had, had a terrible customer at the cafe that day. A group of fellow students. They were all rich and snobbish. The guys were talking about Kate; about how she was just doing charity to be around me. I knew they were just pissed that she wanted to be around me and not them, but after three hours of them saying it over and over; then to come home to her cleaning the kitchen was just too much. I didn’t want her to only be there out of charity. Which I knew she wasn’t. But at that moment I lost it on her. I said everything I was feeling towards that group of jerks, but instead at her. The tears forming in her eyes told me I had made a mistake. But it was too late; she was gone when I went after her.
Now it had been three months and she had not come to school. Did she drop out? Did she switch majors? Where was she? I needed to at least apologize. She deserved that. I took the day off from working, I had hoped she would be here today, but again she was a no show. In her normal seat was a girl named Mary. I knew she was Kate’s friend. When the professor said class was done it was the first time I didn’t sprint out of here; instead I walked over to Mary, “where is Kate? She hasn’t been coming to class lately.”
Mary jumped suddenly. But then relaxed when she saw it was me.
I had met her a couple of times through Kate.
“Yeah. Kate took a semester off. She always does at this time of year. She doesn’t seem to care that college is going to take several extra years. But I can’t blame her; she never seems herself this time of year. Poor thing.”
I was confused. None of this made any sense. Kate. Smiling happy Kate. Kate who was happy spending time with me and my family. Not being herself, what? “What are you talking about. This is the same Kate we are talking about. Smiling Kate. Always happy Kate. That Kate?”
“You didn’t know? I assumed she would have told you. She spent so much time with you. She even confessed to me that she was hoping to become part of your family in the end. How is it that you didn’t know?” Mary looked away. I could see tears forming.
‘Part of my family? She wanted to be family with me? She liked me? I liked her too but I never thought those feeling would be reciprocated; so I never acted on them. Wait. Mary said how do I not know. What do I not know?’ “Explain.”
I sat on the bus mulling over what Mary had just told me. I couldn’t believe it.
…1 hour ago…
“Kate has no family. Her whole family died in a bad house fire when she was seven years old. Her mom, dad, brother, and sister. She was the youngest and in the farthest room. They say it was a miracle that she lived. But from that day onward she was an orphan. She had no other family; so she lived in an orphanage until she was eighteen. The trust her dad had left her was not active until then. He had a trust for each of his kids, but since she was the only one left living she inherited it all. So yes she was wealthy, but only in money. But as Kate always said, “not in what really mattered”. She would have traded all the money in the world for her family back.” Mary choked back some tears.
‘What!?!’
Mary continued, “always at this time of year her family’s accident resurfaces and she hides herself away. Because she can’t seem to hold in the tears; even after all this time. Which I had thought things would be different this time. Because even as the day was approaching she was still so happy. Because she had found what she had wanted all along. A family that wanted her. She told me all about how your family took her in and made her feel loved. It was the first time in her life she had felt that way since she was seven. I thought things would be different. But it seems like she can never escape it. And don’t ask me; I don’t know where she goes. She just disappears for about six months. She will come back in the Spring.”
…Back on the Bus…
I just sat there silent on the bus. Thinking back to what I had said to her that day. Doing charity. Feeling holy taking care of his family. Go back to her rich family and gloat. I dropped my head into my hands. No wonder she almost cried that day. I jabbed at all of her sore spots in one go. And now she was gone. I wasn’t going to see her again for three months. And she might just transfer to another school and never come back. What have I done?
When I stepped into the house; it was no longer the same as it was after the day Kate left. I was still greeted with love, but it seemed dulled a bit. Like they are hoping Kate will walk in right behind me. I needed to talk to mom and nana; they would probably know some things after spending so much time with her.
After my sisters went to sleep, I sat down for the grueling discussion. “Did you know anything about Kate’s past?”
My mom and nana looked at each other. They knew.
“How could you know and not tell me anything. After I said all those terrible things to her.”
Nana whacked me in the head, “that’s for saying all those awful things to her. She was already struggling that day. But she was trying to keep it together. She wanted to work through her pain and stay with us. She had said that we were healing her. But then you had to go and drive a knife through her patched heart. I watched it crumble apart as she left that day. I will be surprised if she can even function. She had to loose another family that day. How could you,” Nana was in uproar. She left the room promptly, because she didn’t want to cause more harm than she had already done.
I folded in half. Hunched over feeling defeated. Like there was no way to come back from this.
Mom walked over and hugged me. I needed the hug, but I felt guilty for the first time for getting one; because I knew that Kate wasn’t here to get one. “Mom, what do I do? She left. And I have no idea where to find her.”
“Oh my sweet son. She may need time to heal again. Your nana is wrong for hitting you, but she is not wrong that it would be a miracle that Kate stays. You were so young when we lost your father, but to me I wanted to run away and hide. But I stayed because I still had someone who needed me. Kate has no one. If she decides to hide, she sadly now has no reason to come back.”
“But I…”
“You took yourself out the equation that day. To her you abandoned her. And then she had to say goodbye to a new loving family. She is probably broken. We can just pray that she does come back.” Mom got up and went to follow nana to bed.
I sat there looking at my hands. ‘Please God. Give me a chance to apologize to her.’ That’s all I wanted. A chance to apologize.
My sister lily came tiptoeing into the living room. She handed me a post card. She whispered into my ear, “bring her back.” And just as quickly, lily disappeared back into her room.
…1 month later…
Kate
I wouldn’t say I ran away. I would more say I needed time away and with other children in the same boat. Every year at this time I take time off from school and I volunteer at the orphanage that brought me up. That’s why I’m getting the business degree. I’m hoping to help this orphanage out; help these kids find homes before they are adults. But even then, I’ll hope to have jobs available for the kids like me. The no home children.
That day when Jason chased me out of his home made me wake up. That I was just masking my pain with a new family. That I needed to first heal before trying to find a bandaid solution. But what Jason said would not be easily forgiven. It hurt so much that day, because that’s how he saw me. That he still, after all that time, didn’t know the real me.
I had sent a post card to his sisters because they are to young to understand why I just left that day. So I thought letters and postcards would help cushion the blow that I wouldn’t be coming back. Hopefully they listened and kept the letter from her brother. I don’t need him getting mad at me again.
But being at the orphanage again this time is healing me. I needed a push from wanting a new family to actually heal my heart. That I can be loved. Even if not by the first family I found. That I can always try again. That I am wanted. All of us are.
“Kate?” Mother Ann called.
“Yes. I’m over by the garden with group C.”
“There is a visitor for you. They are at the front gate,” Mother Ann came around the corner. “I’ll take over for your class. You go receive them.”
Who could be here for me. In the last fourteen years this has never happened. “Okay. No problem.”
Walking up to the front gate I saw a head. Head with black hair. What? How? I paused.
Jason turned around to face me. “Hey there.”
I wasn’t ready to talk to him. I thought I had healed. But I guess his words still stung. I didn’t want to talk to him. Instead of letting him in I turned and walked away. Quickly. I didn’t want to hear him.
“Hey.” Jason grabbed onto my wrist.
Just like the first day we met. But I tried to pull away from him.
“Stop Kate. I’m not going anywhere. And neither are you.” He pulled me into his embrace.
He was in my bubble. The action that used to bring me so much comfort just hurt me. Hadn’t he told me to leave and never come back. I hugged myself and stepped away from him. He didn’t try to stop me. He let me slip away.
I stood just out of his reach. Not letting him enter my bubble. I couldn’t feel that way again.
“I’m so sorry Kate. I didn’t mean anything I said that day. I just took out my frustration on you. I was stupid. I was crazy. I… please let me apologize. If I had known I would have never…”
“That’s just it, Jason. I didn’t want you to know. Because I didn’t want the so called pity you accused me of. I didn’t want you to allow me around because you felt sorry for me. I wanted to be accepted because you wanted me there. But I can see how I could upset you being there all the time, when you never really wanted me around. I’m sorry that I tried to get close to you. It won’t happen again. And…you came to me. I listened to you when you told me to leave, your the one who came to find me. You at least can’t get mad at me for that.” I felt my defense crumbling. I was being to shake. I knew that tears were well on their way. I needed to leave. Or he may get pleased in watching me wallow in sadness. “You’ve seen me. I’ve apologized. You can leave now.” I walked away. The distance between us was growing. Tears were spilling down my face. But since I was a distance away I didn’t feel so vulnerable sobbing; the only thing he might see is my shoulders shuddering.
“No.” Jason hugged me from behind. His arms were strong; no intention of letting go. “No. I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you around. I’m so sorry I made you feel unwanted that day. I’ve been regretting it every day, no, every second after. Come back home with me.”
Those last words rang in my ear. Come back home. Could I actually believe him. Did he actually want me back? I tried to release his arms from me, but they tightened around me.
“I love you, Kate. Please come back and be my family.”
I stopped struggling. I froze. He loves me? Someone loves me? I managed to turn myself around to face him in his embrace. I stared into his eyes; eyes never lie. His face was flush as stared at him. “Do you really? Or is it just pit…”
He kissed me. He squeezed me tighter. I almost couldn’t breathe. But I think I can believe him. That he loves me. I kissed him back.
…The End…
emily2jane 