Tag Archives: Truth

“White dress…check, veil…check, flowers…check, food…check,” Emma whispers…

“How’s the list coming, Honey?” Emma’s mother chimes into her dreamland. Have you decided upon everything you want?

“I think so Mother,” as Emma recites it back to her, confident that she is finished.

“You forgot place. You don’t know where you will have it? Has Nathan given you an idea he likes?”

“A place…” Emma ponders… “Nathan wants it to be in a place up in the woods, he went there for his parent’s renewal. It sounds beautiful but I don’t see us being able to afford it.” Why must there be hints of sadness while planning a happy occasion.

“I’m sorry my darling, but it is good to have a budget. Without one you would plunge into your life savings and that money is for the future; you are allowed to be prudent with your earnings,” Emma’s mother says while embracing Emma, “All will work out my baby.”

I was happy with the idea of being married at City Hall then having a grand big reception afterwards. But Nathan had his idea of a ceremony in front of friends and family. I have also always dreamed about having my almost niece be the flower girl, while the youngest nephew is being a batman symbol thrower. Next, my sister in-law walking down, my second eldest sister, then my eldest sister. My mother would be in the audience with my other nephew, because they prefer to be seen but not stared at. Next would come myself and my brothers; they would be giving me away. Hopefully both, but my eldest brother might be sitting with my mom, because he like she are similar. But for sure my younger brother will, he is my best friend. So yes, I have thought about a ceremony, the idea of having my friends and family taking part in our happy occasion warms my soul. But then that is more spending. If the place and seating was taken care of, I would be able to do the rest, within my budget. We just cannot afford it all.

Understand that Emma has told her mother all of this before, so as Emma sits quietly debating these thoughts in her head, Emma’s mother is just holding her and giving a head scratch.

“What if we had it at Grandpa’s and Grandma’s? The space is big enough. It might not give us everything, and we would have enough within our budget for the rest of the occasion.” Emma suggests an idea, nothing is set in stone.

“I am sure they would love to have you there. But you must discuss it with your future husband, these choices should be a team effort. Everything will be perfect because you are marrying someone you love.”

“Thanks mama, I love you.”

“I love you too, my baby girl.”

Prudent

Another Day Comes. Another Day Gone.

This morning as I was driving my younger brother to his hair appointment I had a small but sadly depressing cry. I seem to do that more often lately. I will just be walking, or texting, drawing, and some thought comes to mind and I begin to cry. I am a fickle person.

I’ve noticed I can get depressed easily. I’m not tying to compare my symptoms to anyone; I just sometimes sit and cry about a small memory.

See fickle…I haven’t really wrote about what’s been going on in my life recently, but everything seems the same. I still have the greatest family ever! I finally got back to the job that I was loving, and now I’ve been laid off. I have the most amazing boyfriend ever and I now in the future I will be more to him. We might be moving to Wyoming, at some point in the Spring; I will miss my family, especially my mom the most! Which ties into one of my discoveries today…

As I dropped my brother off, I thought…”Hmm, bowling sounds like fun today!” And then I remembered I have no one to go with. I could ask my siblings but my older brother spends Friday nights at game night. My eldest sister has two kids and she rarely has time to herself if the kiddos are at their dad’s. My next sister plans her days to a T, and she doesn’t like to compromise her plans. My mom is so tired with what’s happening with her parents that I understand when she comes home she just wants to sleep or relax. My younger brother is leaving in a few days and I think he wants to enjoy his computer a while longer before he goes off to meet his girlfriend’s family.

So these thoughts left me with the discovery that I don’t really have anyone else. I had many friends when I was younger and swimming, but recently I’ve been alone. When I was 13 the group of friends I had, tolerated me because I was just as good as them at swimming but I was about 4 years younger. So when they grew up, they grew up together. I just lagged behind hoping to be accepted. But the moment all them turned 19-21 they began drinking and they didn’t want me around to be the sober one. (I did not have my first drink until months after my 21st birthday.)

Mom told me it wasn’t personal, but it was; she said it’s because when people get drunk they don’t want people to be able to remember what they did. That group of friends left me behind; especially as each got married or something special happened I got to see the photos on Facebook.

I had another group of friends and they were my age, but they didn’t think of swimming as a way to succeed in the world. (At the time I was going to be the next Olympian, and I might have if not for getting injured.)

They wanted to chill and swim because they wanted the fun, or the tan, or the body. I was also the only Christian in this group. One friend is an atheist. One says she is a Catholic, which is close, but she does things that make me doubt her faith. One was more of a “mother nature” fan. Its hard to be friends with non believers, it can be tiresome at times. But I kept getting this thought in my mind, “you are being an example of Me in the form of you.” God has an amazing way of being there without being there. So even though the time of being their friends was some of my best days, filled with some hard moments, I felt like I was doing what God wanted. But sadly those friendships have faded. The Catholic is planning on  moving in with her boyfriend, I am just old fashion I guess. The mother nature one moved away and I haven’t seen her in years. The atheist one is still a strong stubborn one, that she has done so many things that I can’t agree with. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’ve done or thought about doing things that are sins, but I feel them every day. I know they are there, I’ve repented, but the knowledge and their presence still engulfs me.

They also have told me before I haven’t lived because of my faith. That my faith does need to be in foreground, that I should experience things and live before I grow up. They also have said I make them uncomfortable when they go out, like I am judging them or something. They want me to conform but the thought of them conforming is preposterous.

I have another group of friends, but I am the little sister of their true friend. I feel like I can be me around them, they are Christians.  But I also feel like anytime I talk with them and they stop listening to my sister, my sister gets sad and feels unwanted. I try to stay away from the group because I don’t want my sister think I am trying to steal her good friends. Also I am about 5-7 years younger.

I really don’t have someone to take out bowling. It’s not even like it’s a big deal. I can just stay home and watch a movie. I just thought it would be a fun thing to do while the boyfriend is out hiking with his guy friends.

So as I drove home from taking my brother I cried and asked God, “Why does no one like me. Why do all my friends leave me.” Which a sad thing is if I leave and move to Wyoming I am only leaving my family behind. I have no friends my age to say good bye to.

I will admit I thought, “What if I go out and party alone. Just go out and be not me for a night.” Drinking and laughter is what I thought. Maybe being not me for a night would be fun. But then in the foreground my faith latched on to me. Swallowing me into a hug of love and encouragement. I can’t not be me; I am who I want to be. Faith, family, and love. So even though my curiosity of a world I have never experienced has me peeking through a keyhole every so often; I still know I have God.

So with my tear stained cheeks I write this. I can be depressed easily, and I think about things I shouldn’t. I am a sinner but I am His child. Depression runs in the lineage of my family so it will be a struggle through my life. But happily God is someone who helps me come back to reality. So cry when you need to cry, hide when you need to hide. But remember there is always someone around for you. You might be like me, a person without friends, but I am not without my family. I might just go walk in the rain then watch a movie tonight.

Sorry if this post was too sad, but writing helps me discover how I feel.

Enjoy your Happy New Year!!

My resolution: Part 1: Be Me 100%. No matter if it turns people away, I can’t be afraid to be me. Part 2: Have this resolution last longer than 2 weeks.

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Battles of life.

Across the street in front of a store window you see a family gathered around a gleeful child. The child beams with excitement and wonder. The family is close nit and welcoming; you wish you could intertwine into their love because that is all you seek. Instead, you continue down the other side of the street; which seems clouded and musky with a hushed noise engulfing you up. No lights or laughter is along your walk. Only a gradual darkness on this lifeless street.

Years pass and again you walk along that lifeless street; however, this time you are next to your partner. You love them deeply and your walk now has a glow of happiness surrounding your essence. You walk hand in hand down the pavement path, but they stop suddenly causing you to run into their shoulder. Their eyes stare to the left, you follow their gaze to a beautiful human in front of that store. This new human radiates warmth and love. The person stands so tall and proud glancing at all the wonders in the store. Your partner stands there a second to long and you know your love is fake. Their heart is still searching, where as yours was complete and satisfied. Your partner pulls away from you and leaves you there on this side of the street. Without a word of goodbye your partner greets the radiant person as if its love at first sight. You stand there on the now dark path depressed to the core, “Why is life so unfair?” and you continue back down the lonely path and are submerged in the darkness.

Time passed and you have given up on life. You walk this hard paved path and you don’t care what crosses you. Nothing surprises you anymore; you are just not one of the fortunate souls in life. This side of the street has grown more unwelcoming. You can only see a footstep space in front of you. You’ve given up trying to lead a fake life knowing that somehow it will be taken from you. You continue stumbling toward the end of the block to the full submission of darkness; this time not stopping to look over at the side of the street you can never be a part of. You journey on, eyes cast downward, wanting to stop all movement and be done. Darkness…

Life isn’t perfect but its not in total gloom either. You still have no one, but you walk now head high and curious about what will come your way. You are not expecting much from day to day life, but you are optimistic that one day might be better than another. The side of the street you walk on is now slightly brighter. You can walk freely without fearing of tripping over an obstacle. You stop in the spot that has many a day changed your fate. You turn and look towards the side of wonder. In front the store stands a couple and child. The child beams with excitement and the couple are radiant in the light. The family exudes love and you cave and wish that for yourself. You forget your previous mindset and dream of a better life you desire. You turn and continue down the hard pavement path pondering on how you can have what they have.

“Why bother, nothing ever happens for me,” a new day has come and you walk head hanging low. Tears pour down your face. You pour your heart into person after person and they never love you back. You falter every step as you continue down this path. “No one will love me,” and you walk into the shady darkness…

“Life…” you say as you step onto the ground which hasn’t changed. “It’s my own life and I can do with it as I see fit.” You decide that moment on you don’t need anyone, instead just live your life for you. If things happen they happen, but if they don’t you at least love yourself. Every life has love; others might have more, but all lives have love. Walking along the path you follow everyday you pause in the space…You turn your body to align with the spot in front of the window. No people are standing there that spot is vacant.There are lights shimmering and couples and children giggling. “Is this real?”

Standing there alone searching across the street to a bright vibrant side, you step towards it. Your foot falls onto the asphalt ground. It’s firm and will hold you. You continue each step towards a brighter life uncertain if it will be striped away from you. Walking across the street you think back over your life. How you could have changed you life if you had been brave enough to live it alone. Realizing, you had been alone all these years, and you could have been living them alone in a world of light and laughter. Last step…

You are here. The window of dreams and light. You peer inside and you see what all had seen before you. SNAP! A light engulfs you. As your vision comes back, you see your own image in front of you. You are a small human standing wide eyed and dreamily into this gleaming world. You look radiant against the dark shadows behind you. The picture is proof that you live. Life is about living it. You live in the bright and darkness of the world. To say you only live in the bright happy one is fake, and to say you are doomed to live in the darkened one forever is fake. Life is living between the two. Constantly battling and struggling to stay in the middle.

Looking up and down this brightened street, everyone is too happy, faking their emotions. You don’t feel comfortable here, because this is not life either. You turn back towards the darkened side. You walk to the center of the asphalt road…This is life; where the shadows mix with the light creating the perfect balance. A path suited for living.

As life goes on, you stumble and falter between the happy and sad sides of life, but you always stop, gather yourself up, and return to the center.

Live life. Live it for yourself. Take the battles on. Follow the path designed for you. Love.

Fake