‘Oh my gosh, Jackson!?!’ He stood in the doorway to the kitchen.

Mrs. Stokes had invited me to their Thanksgiving weekend knowing my parents were out of town on medical business.

I of course came. Because I had been coming to their house almost every year my entire life. I’ve missed all holidays these last four years because of college, and that I just stayed on campus because it was just easier for my parents. Not that they didn’t love me or want to spend time with me. But they were specialists of their fields and would be sent off to various countries. It’s been so long since I was back.

But back to Jackson. He was my childhood crush. He was the typical off limits older brother. He was only three years older than me. I didn’t see it as a wide age gap, but he constantly would call me his little sister.

But he looked good. He had grown maybe another three inches, now over six feet. He was tanned, toned, looked strong. His hair was more blonde than last time I saw him. Which was over five years ago. I hadn’t seen or heard anything about him for the last five years; so I just assume he is married and started his life elsewhere.

As much as I wanted to stay and continue to stare and fantasize about Jackson; I didn’t want it to be known. Especially when his girlfriend or wife appeared. A crush is harmless; if kept secretive.

I walked past Jackson and into the kitchen. That’s where Mrs. Stokes was preparing the food. I thought it would be better to sneak by without acknowledging him.

“Hey Katie!” Jackson was grabbing my arm. He pulled me back to his side, “do you not recognize me? It’s me, Jackson.”

I looked towards him. He was so perfect up close. But he was touching me. His hand was so warm. I looked up into his face and saw he was actually concerned I hadn’t said hello to him.

“Hey Jackson. I didn’t want to interrupt your conversation with” I gestured to all the guys around us; they all acknowledged me with a head nod or a lifting of their drink, “so I was just going to say hello to hostess. But sure,” I brushed his hand off of me; I was afraid it would leave a burned handprint on me it was so hot, and turned towards him, “hello Jackson. Nice to see you again.” I answered a little more polite than necessary. Just to leave some distance between us, incase his other half came. I turn to continue on my quest to Mrs. Stokes.

“Really that’s all,” Jackson reaches out to stop me again.

I step away letting his hand drop, not making contact with me. Just because I allowed the touching in my youth, didn’t mean I wanted to cause a misunderstanding to his girl or any other guy at this party. Because a crush was just a crush. I actually wanted to meet someone and have my own love story. That I didn’t want my future boyfriend to misunderstand my relationship with Jackson.

“For now. Yeah. That’s all. I wanted to say hello to the one who invited me. So please excuse me,” I backed away and continued to Mrs. Stokes who was prepping the turkey. I gave her a hug even though she couldn’t hug me back at that moment.

I didn’t know what compelled me, but I glanced at Jackson. His buddies around him were laughing and probably making jokes. But Jackson was staring intently at me. His eyes softened a bit when our eyes met. It was a weird feeling I got when I looked into his eyes. Annoyance, frustration, defiance. Like I wonder if he has said to his friends that I was his little obedient sister who listens to him best, and me being defiant ruined his example. Like I was part of a bet he made and he lost. So he was annoyed at me.

So I looked away and continued to watch Mrs. Stokes prep the turkey. She was my mom away from my mom. And I really wanted love and affection after Jackson’s death look.

After about an hour of hiding out in the kitchen Mrs. Stokes ushered me back into the living room. She told me to talk to new people. There were lots of people my age. That Micheal would be coming later today; that his flight wasn’t until four-thirty.

Micheal. My best friend in my younger years. He was truly like my twin brother. I know Mrs. Stokes was hoping I would marry Micheal so that I could be her daughter-in-law, but Micheal is just my brother. And I’ve actually met his secret girlfriend, she is awesome. So hopefully he brings her along today to squelch Mrs. Stokes dream of setting us up.

I made my way to the drink cart. I was going to stick with water. Alcohol of any kind, didn’t seem to agree with my body.

“Hello, I’m Henry Charch. And you are,” a man about my age stretched out his hand to me.

“Oh. Hello! I’m Katie. A friend of the family,” I shook his hand. “You said your name was Henry, how do you know that family?”

“Oh. I’m actually that idiots cousin,” he gestured towards Jackson’s direction. “I’ve heard about you from Mrs. Stokes. She says you are learning to be a Pediatrician. That’s pretty amazing. What’s your favorite part of your job?”

The usual conversation as soon as people find out I’m a doctor. They want to know everything. I couldn’t tell though if he was truly interested by my profession or if he was hitting on me. It happened often. After the conversation was dying off he handed me a napkin with his number jotted down. So he had been hitting on me. I nodded a thanks and slipped it into my back pant pocket.

To say this happened often would be an understatement. Which believe me I’m flattered. I truly am. I just wish someone talked to me without knowing my future profession. I don’t want to only be seen as a doctor. I want them to get to know the real me first. I’m so much more than a doctor.

But it does happen often. I’ve finally grown into my body. I’m about five-ten. My hair looks curly with no fizz today. I have on minimal makeup. But I just look grown up now. Like no braces, clear skin, some curves, pink lips, etc. I just look my age now. Once that happened I was actually approached all the time. Which was comforting and flattering. Because I was not “that girl” growing up. But I knew I wasn’t going to meet anyone at this party that didn’t know my background. I wanted a spontaneous love story. Our eyes meet and we get to know each other slowly. But I’m at least courteous; I hold onto the numbers and discard them in a trashcan, but not at the party.

So to not be approached again, I disappeared out onto the balcony. And into a large loveseat. Enjoying the nice breeze and the silence. My job is constantly swarming me with people and noise. Sometimes I enjoy some alone time. But silence always puts me to sleep. I curl up off to the side, for a short snooze.

I woke because I felt a presence next to me. My eyes shot open and I sat up a little.

“Don’t worry Katie. It’s just me,” Jackson placed a hand on my calve. His hands were still so warm.

I still sat up, and the jacket fell to my elbows. ‘Someone covered me up?’ I glanced at Jackson and he only had a white short sleeved T-shirt on; so it was his jacket draped on me. I gathered it up and offered it back to him. I was extremely grateful for the jacket; because now the cold breeze sent a shiver through me; but I didn’t want him getting cold. ‘Why did I still care?’

Jackson chuckled, grabbed the jacket and swung the jacket over my shoulders. “Arms.”

I swam my arms into the sleeves. The cold breeze stopped instantly, and I felt warm once again. “Thanks Jackson.”

“Yep.” He continued to drink his water and look out at the mountains.

So I too sat in silence looking at the mountains. It took all my self control not to smell the jacket. My crush creeping back up. I thought of his girl; this sight would probably shock her. I didn’t want to ruin a relationship. “Jackson. I don’t think I should be wearing your jacket; your girlfriend might misunderstand.”

Jackson spat out the water he had just drunk; ruining his composure. He was sputtering and coughing. “What? Who said I had a girlfriend?!” He managed after the coughing subsided.

Hope was creeping up inside me. But I had to stay realistic; of course he would have someone, “no one said anything. I just assumed you would be dating someone now or even married. Am I wrong?”

“You’re wrong. I’ve been too busy to date anyone. College was more like a never ending internship for my now job. This is my first real vacation since forever.”

‘No girlfriend. Never a girlfriend…?’ That’s crazy. He’s gorgeous. There’s no way he didn’t date for the last five years. I just continue to stare out at the mountains. It must be about two o’clock now. The sun had shifted. I had napped for almost two hours. My night shift must have actually take a toll on me last night. This was also my first vacation in the last five years. I guess it’s not that unusual to live a solo life. I just realized that Jackson’s hand was still on my leg but that it had crept up to just above my knee. The heat was building. I tried to maneuver away from his touch.

“What’s with you Katie. You are keeping your distance. You move away when I touch you. Is it really that appalling. You were never like this in our youth. You always were around me, always. You’ve never once tried to reach out, I’ve only got info on you from my mom. Now that you are a doctor, are you too good for me to know you?” Jackson removed his hand from my leg.

I missed his hand in that moment, but it was gone. I just didn’t want to stir up my crush again. I didn’t want there to be any hope that I would be crushed later on. “I’m not. I just want to keep some distance between us incase someone misunderstands.”

“Who’s going to misunderstand? The guy from before who handed you his number. The napkin that still lives in your back pocket. You are worried about my distant cousin,” Jackson stood up to leave.

I stopped him. I jumped up and grabbed his clenched fist. His hands were hotter than before. “No. I didn’t want someone to misunderstand you. I wearing your jacket, sitting next to you on a loveseat, your hand was on me. I didn’t want the person in your life to misunderstand. I really do enjoy your company. I just don’t want to ruin a relationship with misunderstandings.” I let go of his hand that was now less tense.

The his hand caught mine abruptly. He maneuvered his hand to interlock our fingers. He sat back down on the loveseat, and he pulled me down with him but right next to him. I was so close to him. I could hear his racing heart beating. He smelled like pine trees. Being so close to him, he seemed bigger. I tried to release our hands. “Jackson let go of me.” I tried to wiggle free.

“Nope,” he held onto my hand with a death grip.

I still tried to get free. But I decided to just deal with it later. I used too much energy that I sat back against the cushions. I could feel the slumbers coming again.

“Just sleep. I’ll be here.” He let go of my hand, and instead put his arm behind me, pulling me closer to him.

My cheek now rested on his shoulder-chest area. His heart beat was constant and repetitive. Thump. Thump. Thump. I was out in moments.

…

When I woke up I was not outside. I was not in Jackson’s arm, instead I was in a bed. I opened my eyes to find I was in the forbidden Jackson’s room. I was sleeping in Jackson’s bed! Part of me was so excited, but my other half was terrified. That this was farther than I wanted to be. How did I get here?

“Good, your up,” Jackson came into the room. “Dinner is almost done. Did you want to eat in here or at the table with everyone?”

Jackson was so nonchalant about the situation. The fact that I was in his bed. That I was sleeping here. That he must have carried me through the house from the balcony. Knowing that everyone was going to misunderstand us. Like how could I now go out and eat with others. I just glared at him.

He smiled. He laughed as well, “sorry Katie. It started to rain so I brought you into my room. You were out cold. But it worked out in my favor. Now everyone out there knows you are taken. That you are mine.”

‘Mine.’ That word jumped out at me. His. What did he mean his? His right now? His forever….I didn’t know what to say.

He expected something. Because he walked over to me on the bed. Sat down right next to me and pulled me up to look in his eyes. “You are okay with this right? I assumed you were willing with you staying next to me outside. With you feeling comfortable enough to fall asleep on me. That you understood me…?”

I saw the panic in his eyes. He was worried that he assumed wrong. He didn’t; but it was nice to see that he cared about me enough to questioned if he had been wrong. Not that he assumed I was going to accept his advances no matter what. That it was still my choice at this point. I put his panic to rest. I leaned in closer to him and placed my cheek into his chest. His heart was beating so fast from panic. I reached around him and hugged him. I felt his arms slowly react and hug me back. He breathed a sigh of relief into me.

“You scared me Katie. I just did so many things out there when I brought you to my room; that I was worried I was going to have to apologize to some people.”

“What did you do?” I moved away from him slightly, but he pulled me back.

“I gave the napkin back to my cousin. Said that she was taken. I also told mom to stop trying to ship you with Mike; that you would only be his sister.” He stroked my hair.

I managed to pull away from his embrace and look up into his face. I saw the confident Jackson, but I also saw a hint of blush on his face. He was flushed. Haha! It was cute to see on him.

“Do I see red in your face, Jackson?” I teased him. It was my right, as his girl… ‘what am I now?’

My feelings must have shown. “What happened, Katie? You were all smiles right now, and now you look terrified!” Jackson scooped me up onto his lap.

He held me so close to him. That I tried to escape his embrace, but he wasn’t going to let that happen. “Jackson!…Let me go…”. You’re squeezing me…!”

He released a smidge, enough to look me in the eye. Our faces were so close. “Katie. Tell me what’s up? I’m not letting you go until you do.” Jackson’s body seemed to relax into the bed enough to get comfortable but his hands still held me firmly on his lap.

‘Just rip the bandaid off.’ “What are we now? You said I’m taken to your cousin, but what does that mean? Am I a practice for you, a starter. Did you just get jealous that someone else was interested in me, and this is just a phase for you? What am I to you?” I ripped off a bit more of that bandaid than I had meant. I was so embarrassed. I really wanted to not be in his arms now. ‘Let me go, Jackson. Let me die in hole.’ Instead I just buried my head into his neck. Not the best idea because he smelled of dreamy pine.

“Katie. Katie. Katie! Look at me,” Jackson’s body was tensing again.

I recoiled from his neck and looked into his eyes once again. His eyes were steely blue. I was drowning into them…’come back to the present Katie!’

“Have you been dating these last five years?”

I laughed. Which I’m realizing now not a good response when faces are so close. I shook my head.

“Have you been crushing on some guy these last five years?”

‘You.’ I couldn’t say that but I couldn’t say no, because that’s a lie. And I could very well say yes, because then that secret would be revealed. However, silence was not the answer.

“So you do have someone you like. He must be a tool for you to think that when a guy says “she’s taken”, that could mean anything. You have bad taste in guys.” Jackson released me and scooted me off of his lap.

I could feel a distance from him now. I missed his warmth. ‘But really!? My taste in guys is awful…haha! It’s you, you idiot.’ The silence was deafening. ‘How do I answer?’

“At least it’s just a crush,” Jackson grabbed my hand back into his, “meaning I still have chance to make you think only of me.” Jackson pulled me up to standing with him. “We are heading back out there. I’m showing you off, by my side. Everyone is going to know you are my almost girlfriend.”

‘Girlfriend? He was meaning I was his girlfriend….so if I hadn’t freaked out earlier, he would be introducing me to everyone as his girlfriend…? Stupid. Stupid, Katie!’ I really wanted to smack myself in the face.

Jackson started towards the door.

He stopped suddenly and I smashed my face into his back. ‘Well…I did get smacked in the face…just not how I thought…haha!’ I looked up to Jackson’s face. He was troubled with something. Maybe I should just put him at ease. “Jackson, I…”

Jackson’s hand tensed around my own. He threw open the door and started through.

He still looked troubled. “Jackson. The person I’ve had a crush on is…”

He turned to me. Cutting me off, “Is it Mike? I can handle pretty much anyone else. But not my brother.”

“Jackson. My crush is…”

He turned away from me, “No! I deserve a chance to win you over without knowing my rival. You will change your mind today.” Jackson started pulling me away again.

I tried to stop him, but as I said he was a lot stronger now. “No Jackson. Jackson! Wait!” I wiggled my hand free from his grip.

He stopped. Flexing his hand. Realizing my hand was gone.

“Jackson. My crush is you. It’s always been you. The last five years. The last ten. You are such an idiot,” I was trying to make it lite hearted. But he didn’t turn towards me. He didn’t move. Did I just sound too desperate? Do I seem unattractive now? Should I have just stayed silent? I didn’t want there to be any misunderstandings, that’s how people get hurt. He was hurting because he thought he had to win me; but I’m hurting now because he is silent.

I thought the silence before was deafening, but this, this is way worse. There was no way I was going to go down and eat with everyone now…that failed confession. I had dreamed about that moment for years, and that was not how I wanted it done. I crept back to his room. As I closed the door, Jackson’s still stood in the same spot. My heart split as I closed the door.

I made it to the bathroom, somehow. I turned the faucet on for noise and I collapsed to the ground sobbing. ‘How could he just stand there? How could he give me so much hope, and then just crush me. How can I ever come to this house again?’ I needed silence. A panic attack was coming. I needed peace. My head was swimming. I saw the bath tub. I started filling the bath tub. Submerging my body was going to help. It would cut out all the noise. Leaving on my tank top and shorts I stepped into the filling tub. The warm water felt nice. It was comforting. I turned the faucet off as it reached my neck. I needed my brain to shut off. I needed my brain to stop swirling. I submerged myself.

Jackson

‘“It’s you Jackson!” That’s what Katie just said! She likes me. She’s always liked me. “You’re an idiot,” she also said; which is true too. Why hadn’t that ever been a possibility to me?’

Throughout growing up she’s always been hanging around me. She was at first a dumb little sister to me, but now she was the girl that made my heart jump when she walked into the house hours ago. She had grown up well, she was so gorgeous now. She was the first girl to make me notice her. Her completely avoiding me helped spike my interest even more. She blows me off when she first arrives, and now she is confessing to me that she has liked only me. Me! The guy that wanted to tare my cousin to pieces when he was hitting on her. The guy who wanted to kiss her while she was on my lap. But she confessed to me. ‘I’ve probably been standing here too long…’

I turn to pull my girl to me, to find no one there. She left? No way. I would have seen her walk by me. Or would have I? Maybe it was one of those moments where you are standing in dark space debating things to yourself. The door was closed. Did she close it on her way out? Now way I’m missing this moment. She’s not escaping me! I quickly walk out to the kitchen. Where the train of hungry people has started. I see my mom off cleaning the stove, “Mom. Have you seen Katie?”

“Hmmm? Oh hi Jackson. Did you succeed in having a daughter-in-law gift for me this thanksgiving?” Mom smiled as she cleaned the stove off.

“No. Mom. I…have you seen Katie. Things were said. And when I finally realized I was still thinking to myself, she wasn’t standing there anymore. She shocked me, I guess. Have you seen her?”

“Oh,” mom stopped scrubbing the stove. Her eyebrows furrowed. “No, honey. I haven’t seen her since you made your declaration to the family. Henry left by the way. You could have told him to back off privately.”

“Mom focus! Katie!” I looked around me and now everyone was looking at me.

“Dude,” Peter called out to me, “she must still be up there. We’ve been keeping our eyes open, waiting for you two love birds to come back. What did she do? Scale down the balcony to get away?” Laughter erupted.

‘Would she do that?’ I crossed the kitchen again and headed back to my room. She must have gone back into the room when I didn’t respond to her. I opened my bedroom door to find an empty room. The bathroom door was closed. Which I know I left open. As I walked over I heard the sink faucet running. I knocked on the door, “Katie? Katie? Please come out. I’m sorry I didn’t respond. Let me in,” Jackson waited for a response. But nothing came.

Peter’s words came to mind, ‘did she scale the balcony?’ There was a window in the bathroom…”I’m coming in, Katie.” I cracked the door open. The sink was still on, I turned off. The window was closed. I looked around and I saw the skirt and sweater that Katie had been wearing. Then I saw the sunken body in the bath tub. “Katie!” I rushed over to the tub and scooped up Katie’s, hopefully alive body. “Katie!! Katie!”

She started sputtering and coughing. Wriggling in my arms. ‘That’s a good sign.’ “Katie! Are you insane!?!” I pull the plug to the tub. I reach back to her. She was still coughing but she was just shivering now. I grabbed a towel from the counter and draped it over her body. She still was silent besides the occasional coughing. I scooped her up into my arms and carried her to the sink counter. I sat her there and I grabbed the hair dryer and began warming her up. Her cheeks were starting to have color again. I was so pissed. Not really mad at her, mostly surprised that, that was her reaction to my silence. I was more mad at myself for not immediately turning around, after her confession, and kissing her. She wasn’t looking at me. She was looking down and away from me. I want that teasing attitude back. I want her look at me again with her brown eyes. I want to claim our first kiss. “Katie. Look at me.”

She didn’t move at first. But then slightly her body shifted enough so that she could lift her head up to look at me.

Her eyes were red. Swollen. She had been crying. I could see the tears forming again. I wanted to put her mind at ease. I wanted her smile back. I wanted…I kissed her. I pulled her towards me, deepening the kiss. She would know after this kiss she was mine. I continued…She kissed me back. She was mine.

…