Jane

“Yeah. I feel like there might already be a child out there with that sales clerk. The wife wants a fifth child. So technically I’ve already reached that number right?” Laughter bellowed out the bar doors.

I stood there. Hand on handle. ‘So everything had been a lie? From the beginning? My deal breaker at the beginning of our relationship was I wanted us both to be a virgin. I never wanted to worry if my husband was thinking about someone else. Or would start to compare me to his first.” He assured me I was his first. And of course he was mine. Now it all comes to light. I wasn’t his first. There had been someone else. Was me wanting our family to have one more child really cause for mentioning someone I thought didn’t exist. Especially tonight, he was in talking to our friend group. We had asked them out to dinner. Because I wanted to share our, what I thought was happy news; I was pregnant with our fifth child.

I just found out this morning. I wanted to surprise Jasper with everyone but I couldn’t keep it a surprise. I blurted it out at breakfast. “I’m pregnant!!” Now I understand why I couldn’t really figure out his expression. He was shocked, happy, but something else, that at the time I didn’t know. It was disappointment. He was happy we were pregnant, but he had also wished for it not to happen. After our last daughter was born I asked if we could try for one more; so that we could try to give our son a brother. My husband at the time agreed to it willingly. And joked that he would try his best to make a boy, but that nothing could be chosen. I didn’t force it on him, I didn’t hang it over his head. I thought we both wanted it. I yanked open the door, I should find out what’s going on with him.

“Yeah. She was hot. I actually am following her again. Let me pull up her profile so you can see what I had early on!” He, without any remorse pulled his phone from his pocket and started scrolling.

I was now standing just inside the entrance. But their table was maybe fifteen feet away from where I stood. So I heard and saw it all. I heard his aroused tone, and saw his face. My heart twisted in a new way, hurt in such a way I had never known. He still looked at me that way. All these years. He still looked at me with desire and pleasure. How could he make that face for a woman he only sees online. He looked at me that way just before our baby was conceived. Had he been thinking about her?

‘No! Now the thoughts are happening. This is what I didn’t want. This is why being a virgin was so important to me. That I wouldn’t wonder if he settled for me back then, and every time he thought of her…’ That thought hurt more than anything. Did he ever love me? Was I just what he could get? Did he ever want our kids? Did he ever want me?…

“Jane! There you are!” My friend Gloria called out to me.

I wasn’t going to stay. I waved at Gloria. At the rest of the table. I started to back away.

Gloria rushed up to me, “Hey sweetie. It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here. What do you want to do?”

“I want to leave. I don’t want to be here anymore,” I glance at him. He was still glued to his screen. Almost drooling. It was a disgusting sight. “Please. I don’t want to see him.” I started to turn back to the door.

“Alright baby. Let’s go! Ladies! We are leaving if you want to come with us to my house.” Gloria held me in her arms to escort me out of the restaurant. I was glad for her help, because I don’t know if I could have walked on my own. All of the women at the table got up from their seats and made a mad dash to the door. A few of the husbands that had still been sitting at the table, instead of gawking at Jasper’s phone; they too stood to leave the restaurant.

I glanced over once again through the glass door showing my lustful husband; panting as he looked at her photos. My heart crumbled.

Jasper

“Dude? Dude!? Jasper!?” Marlene’s husband who had stayed at the table to chew Jasper out.

“What!?!” Jasper finally looked up from his phone. The other husbands too looked up from the screen. “Wait? Where is everyone? Why is it only you Jacobs?”

“Because you are…the worst of the worst. We are in public, or you would not be getting this treatment. Are you really enjoying looking at another woman that much? Really? Did you not think about how your wife would feel if she knew what you were doing?”

“What are you talking about, man? I showed her picture once, then after looking at her again I realized Jane is way hotter. That I’ve been stupid these last few days. I don’t know what made me even think of her. Probably one of those demons we just learned about in church, that their mission is to ruin marriages. As soon as I deleted her profile I asked God to cast the demon out. I feel better than I have these past five days. I’m here to tell you! Don’t let that kind of demon inside of you, they really do hit you hard and make you become a…butt of yourself. Public.” Jasper sat down at the table with the rest of the husbands. “We’ve been looking at the different foods they serve here. I’m starved and I thought this would help keep my hunger at bay. Why?”

Jacob was stunned by Jasper’s recant of what really happened. Here he had thought the worst of him. He was about to put him through the wringer. Jane… “Dude. You need to go find your wife. She heard you. She heard everything. She was here. That’s why everyone else is gone. They heard you too. They misunderstood just like I did. But dude. Jane looked broken. She looked…” Jacob whipped out his phone. Texting his wife Marlene to let her know the true story. “What are you still sitting there for? Go!”

“She heard me,” Jasper smashed his face into his hands. “She heard me?! What exactly did she hear?! Be specific!”

“All of it. She was just at the entrance door when you mentioned thinking you had a kid with that woman. Marlene knew Jane had heard, just based on her expression. Then she came inside, and heard you say that the other woman was hot, that you are following her, and if anyone wanted to see her pictures. They left pretty much after that. But dude. You did look possessed. At least when you went to look at her pictures. You looked hungry for it. If you had not said you felt possessed, I would have described you as such. But dude, you need to go explain to her. I’m guessing she thinks you have been cheating a while now. Or even…”

“Even the whole time,” Jasper said between his fingers. “At the beginning of our relationship; Jane told me it was important to her for us to be both virgins. That she didn’t want to be constantly worried that I was comparing her or thinking about someone else. She told me it was a deal breaker. But instead of telling the truth, and possibly losing her…I lied. I said I was a virgin even though I wasn’t. I slept with that other woman once. Once in college; long before I met Jane. It didn’t mean anything. I was stupid and wasted. I don’t remember anything. All my years with Jane have been brand new to me. I didn’t know you could love someone so much. I should have been honest. I just loved her already; I didn’t want to miss out on a wonderful life with a wonderful woman like Jane, because of a stupid mistake.”

“Then why did you even say what you did today? If you love her as much as you say you do; you would have known that your words would hurt her. Then why?”

“I don’t know why…maybe I’ve been nervous to be a dad again. Our four children are already a handful. But I love all our kids. And I love that they all came from Jane. I really have no explanation for my actions this past week.”

“What caused you to follow her initially?” Samuel had chimed in after sending a very quick text to his wife.

All three extra husbands sent out texts explaining what had happened. That they really had been drooling over food pictures. Not that they too were looking at other women, but as you can expect no one texted back. Except Marlene, but she said unless he came in person it was no use.

“I wanted to get Jane an excellent gift for being a mom again. I had asked my coworkers what they did, when they truly wanted to surprise their loved ones with a gift. A few men said they look through their wife’s instagram profile. So I tried that. I’ve never been on that sight. I had to download the app and everything, man that was a pistol. But it was really helpful. My wife had everything on there. All of her wishes for ease with our next child. It was amazing! I also had the thought it might be useful to keep this so that if our kids get it I can keep an eye on them. But then there on the list of friend suggestions she was. I don’t know why I even clicked on her. I don’t know what drew me to her. But then I went down the rabbit hole. And man! When you introduce spiraling to your life; you go down hard. These last few days I’ve been glued to my phone. I never messaged her, I just looked at pictures. I didn’t do anything either; I just looked. I think the Holy Spirt in me kept the demon from going farther. Which I am so thankful for, if I had acted on anything; I would never forgive myself. But Jacobs..” Jasper rose from his chair, walked over to a standing Jacob, and grabbed his shoulders, “can I save it?”

“I really don’t know. But Marlene says nothing is going to be heard unless you go apologize to Jane in person. That Jane has locked herself in the bathroom with the water running. That Marlene can hear her sobbing. Dude, you better go before she shuts you out completely.”

That was all Jasper needed; he left to find his wife.

Jane

I finally turned off the water. I forgot that I wasn’t in my own home. I’d give Gloria some money to help cover the water bill. But was that really important at this moment. No. My husband hasn’t loved me at all. Not honestly. But he has… Marlene had told me, through the door, that it was not as bad. That Jasper had only cheated mentally, but only for the last week. Nothing else. That her husband Jacob had told me about feeling possessed, and that he had switched to food a second after he looked at the woman’s picture once more. But did any of that matter? No. He has lied to me from the very beginning. He lied to me…tears were starting to well up again. But what was I going to do…I had never had a thought of divorcing Jasper. That in church we had recently learned that divorce should never be brought up in a fight or be an option. That you should try everything possible first. Counseling? That’s an option. But would I be able to forgive him? This was why I wanted…”

“Jane! Honey. Opened the door!” Jasper was banging on the bathroom door. “Answer me please! At least unlock the door. You are pregnant with our baby! Please, at least unlock the door, so that I can help if you need me. Please!”

‘Jasper!’ My heart reacted before my brain could stop me. I wanted to hug him, but I stopped. Not that I didn’t want to forgive him, but that I needed to know from him personally that he was sorry. “I’ll unlock it,” my voice croaked out, “but you can’t come in.” I whined as I got up from the ground.

“Are you okay? I won’t come in. I’ll send Marlene in if you need help. But please be safe!”

“No. I’m fine. But no coming in.” I unlocked the bathroom door. I wanted to fling the door open to him. But his face from earlier. His words. He wanted that woman. How was I supposed to move past this? This is everything I worried about. This lie made my heart crumble, and I don’t know if he could tape it back together. We are bringing a life into the world. We have our other four little ones. We have had an amazing life together. But can I…?”

“I won’t come in. I promise. I also promise Jane that I’m so sorry. It all started out innocently. I went on instagram to buy you all your wish items. The demon must have latched onto me the moment I saw her profile; and I’m ashamed to say that I clicked on it. I’m so disgusted with myself. But the lustful demon had weaseled itself around me after that. I’m not excusing my actions. But I want you to know, it’s only been these last five days and I’ve only had thoughts; I swear to you! Nothing more happened. Please. Can we do counseling, and find a group to work through this. I’ll do anything! I just don’t want to lose you. I’m sorry I lied at the beginning. I should have told you the truth. That I was lost at that point in my life, I was wasted, that she meant nothing to me. That I had forgotten about her until you told me your deal breaker. That I wasn’t a virgin when we met; but that I already was totally in love with you and I was terrified I would lose you. Jane I’m so sorry. Please forgive me!” Jasper was just outside the door.

I loved him. I still did, I’m still hurt. And angry, but I knew I still loved him. I’m so thankful that God was looking out for him. That he had not gone farther. Farther would have been hard to forgive. Coincidentally enough we just learned in church last week that it’s possible to forgive, but hard and long.

But I love him…

I stood by the door. I could hear Jasper quietly sobbing outside the door. The door was the only divider.

I love him…

I cracked the door open and looked at the man that had hurt me. He was right beside the door, leaning against the wall with his forearm over his eyes. I could see the tears spilling down his face.

I loved him. Even with the hurt. I loved him.

I gradually inched out of the bathroom. I faced him. ‘What do I do? What will I say? What will he say?’ I softly touch his elbow.

He jumped at my touch. He fell to the floor startled.

Before I knew what was happening, he was embracing me. He was cradling my head in his hand. He was still silently crying into my shoulder. But his arms told me he wasn’t letting go.

“Jasper. Jasper. Jasper!” I pushed away from his embrace.

He had let me go, but his hands were reaching out to me still. Not knowing what to do with them, when empty. His hands dropped to his side and his head fell, “I’m so sorry Jane. Please forgive me. Let’s do counseling, a life group, anything. I willing to do anything to gain your trust back.”

The man I loved and love stood before me as someone who I had never seen. A broken man. Not confident. Vulnerable. Fearing.

I walked to him and hugged him. His arms were still at his sides, but this was a reassurance hug for him. “I’ve not forgiven you yet, and it will take a while for my heart to heal and try to trust you again. But I’m willing to work with you to solve this problem. I,” I hesitated a second, “I love you, Jasper. But it’s going to take time to heal.” His crying had turned to shudders, so I pulled away from him.

But Jasper clasped my arms and pulled me back into a hug. He was shaking; worried that I was leaving again.

I didn’t say anything. Instead I just stood in his arms.

This road to recovery will be hard and long. But I’m going to do it. For the sake of my marriage, my kids, and this new beautiful life we are bringing into the world.

The End