Tag Archives: Faith

“White dress…check, veil…check, flowers…check, food…check,” Emma whispers…

“How’s the list coming, Honey?” Emma’s mother chimes into her dreamland. Have you decided upon everything you want?

“I think so Mother,” as Emma recites it back to her, confident that she is finished.

“You forgot place. You don’t know where you will have it? Has Nathan given you an idea he likes?”

“A place…” Emma ponders… “Nathan wants it to be in a place up in the woods, he went there for his parent’s renewal. It sounds beautiful but I don’t see us being able to afford it.” Why must there be hints of sadness while planning a happy occasion.

“I’m sorry my darling, but it is good to have a budget. Without one you would plunge into your life savings and that money is for the future; you are allowed to be prudent with your earnings,” Emma’s mother says while embracing Emma, “All will work out my baby.”

I was happy with the idea of being married at City Hall then having a grand big reception afterwards. But Nathan had his idea of a ceremony in front of friends and family. I have also always dreamed about having my almost niece be the flower girl, while the youngest nephew is being a batman symbol thrower. Next, my sister in-law walking down, my second eldest sister, then my eldest sister. My mother would be in the audience with my other nephew, because they prefer to be seen but not stared at. Next would come myself and my brothers; they would be giving me away. Hopefully both, but my eldest brother might be sitting with my mom, because he like she are similar. But for sure my younger brother will, he is my best friend. So yes, I have thought about a ceremony, the idea of having my friends and family taking part in our happy occasion warms my soul. But then that is more spending. If the place and seating was taken care of, I would be able to do the rest, within my budget. We just cannot afford it all.

Understand that Emma has told her mother all of this before, so as Emma sits quietly debating these thoughts in her head, Emma’s mother is just holding her and giving a head scratch.

“What if we had it at Grandpa’s and Grandma’s? The space is big enough. It might not give us everything, and we would have enough within our budget for the rest of the occasion.” Emma suggests an idea, nothing is set in stone.

“I am sure they would love to have you there. But you must discuss it with your future husband, these choices should be a team effort. Everything will be perfect because you are marrying someone you love.”

“Thanks mama, I love you.”

“I love you too, my baby girl.”

Prudent

Another Day Comes. Another Day Gone.

This morning as I was driving my younger brother to his hair appointment I had a small but sadly depressing cry. I seem to do that more often lately. I will just be walking, or texting, drawing, and some thought comes to mind and I begin to cry. I am a fickle person.

I’ve noticed I can get depressed easily. I’m not tying to compare my symptoms to anyone; I just sometimes sit and cry about a small memory.

See fickle…I haven’t really wrote about what’s been going on in my life recently, but everything seems the same. I still have the greatest family ever! I finally got back to the job that I was loving, and now I’ve been laid off. I have the most amazing boyfriend ever and I now in the future I will be more to him. We might be moving to Wyoming, at some point in the Spring; I will miss my family, especially my mom the most! Which ties into one of my discoveries today…

As I dropped my brother off, I thought…”Hmm, bowling sounds like fun today!” And then I remembered I have no one to go with. I could ask my siblings but my older brother spends Friday nights at game night. My eldest sister has two kids and she rarely has time to herself if the kiddos are at their dad’s. My next sister plans her days to a T, and she doesn’t like to compromise her plans. My mom is so tired with what’s happening with her parents that I understand when she comes home she just wants to sleep or relax. My younger brother is leaving in a few days and I think he wants to enjoy his computer a while longer before he goes off to meet his girlfriend’s family.

So these thoughts left me with the discovery that I don’t really have anyone else. I had many friends when I was younger and swimming, but recently I’ve been alone. When I was 13 the group of friends I had, tolerated me because I was just as good as them at swimming but I was about 4 years younger. So when they grew up, they grew up together. I just lagged behind hoping to be accepted. But the moment all them turned 19-21 they began drinking and they didn’t want me around to be the sober one. (I did not have my first drink until months after my 21st birthday.)

Mom told me it wasn’t personal, but it was; she said it’s because when people get drunk they don’t want people to be able to remember what they did. That group of friends left me behind; especially as each got married or something special happened I got to see the photos on Facebook.

I had another group of friends and they were my age, but they didn’t think of swimming as a way to succeed in the world. (At the time I was going to be the next Olympian, and I might have if not for getting injured.)

They wanted to chill and swim because they wanted the fun, or the tan, or the body. I was also the only Christian in this group. One friend is an atheist. One says she is a Catholic, which is close, but she does things that make me doubt her faith. One was more of a “mother nature” fan. Its hard to be friends with non believers, it can be tiresome at times. But I kept getting this thought in my mind, “you are being an example of Me in the form of you.” God has an amazing way of being there without being there. So even though the time of being their friends was some of my best days, filled with some hard moments, I felt like I was doing what God wanted. But sadly those friendships have faded. The Catholic is planning on  moving in with her boyfriend, I am just old fashion I guess. The mother nature one moved away and I haven’t seen her in years. The atheist one is still a strong stubborn one, that she has done so many things that I can’t agree with. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’ve done or thought about doing things that are sins, but I feel them every day. I know they are there, I’ve repented, but the knowledge and their presence still engulfs me.

They also have told me before I haven’t lived because of my faith. That my faith does need to be in foreground, that I should experience things and live before I grow up. They also have said I make them uncomfortable when they go out, like I am judging them or something. They want me to conform but the thought of them conforming is preposterous.

I have another group of friends, but I am the little sister of their true friend. I feel like I can be me around them, they are Christians.  But I also feel like anytime I talk with them and they stop listening to my sister, my sister gets sad and feels unwanted. I try to stay away from the group because I don’t want my sister think I am trying to steal her good friends. Also I am about 5-7 years younger.

I really don’t have someone to take out bowling. It’s not even like it’s a big deal. I can just stay home and watch a movie. I just thought it would be a fun thing to do while the boyfriend is out hiking with his guy friends.

So as I drove home from taking my brother I cried and asked God, “Why does no one like me. Why do all my friends leave me.” Which a sad thing is if I leave and move to Wyoming I am only leaving my family behind. I have no friends my age to say good bye to.

I will admit I thought, “What if I go out and party alone. Just go out and be not me for a night.” Drinking and laughter is what I thought. Maybe being not me for a night would be fun. But then in the foreground my faith latched on to me. Swallowing me into a hug of love and encouragement. I can’t not be me; I am who I want to be. Faith, family, and love. So even though my curiosity of a world I have never experienced has me peeking through a keyhole every so often; I still know I have God.

So with my tear stained cheeks I write this. I can be depressed easily, and I think about things I shouldn’t. I am a sinner but I am His child. Depression runs in the lineage of my family so it will be a struggle through my life. But happily God is someone who helps me come back to reality. So cry when you need to cry, hide when you need to hide. But remember there is always someone around for you. You might be like me, a person without friends, but I am not without my family. I might just go walk in the rain then watch a movie tonight.

Sorry if this post was too sad, but writing helps me discover how I feel.

Enjoy your Happy New Year!!

My resolution: Part 1: Be Me 100%. No matter if it turns people away, I can’t be afraid to be me. Part 2: Have this resolution last longer than 2 weeks.

art-12-30-16-1

 

Solitude.

The Solitude…

When I hear this word, I first see myself standing on a mountain, being swallowed up by the multi-colored sunset sky, waiting for the darkness to approach me. I have no fear, no pain; I await the dark with open arms. Because I know that when the darkness comes so does the glimmering stars. They awaken the sky; causing the darkness to dance through and behind the stars. It’s strange because this is my first thought but then other images come…

Next, I am sitting in a filled room; all the bodies around me are of people I know. However, they don’t acknowledge me; I am just a form taking up space they wish to fill with someone else. I stay sitting waiting to be noticed. Chaos surrounds me and continues to move without intertwining with me. It’s like there is a force field separating me from them. I am alone in this crowded place, and if someone were to notice me they would see tears spilling down my face. This image has pain and fear; I am in solitude and nothing will change…

Then I see myself here…After a long stressful day, I come home to my loveable but loud family. My nephews are screaming with glee when they see me. My brothers want to discuss their most recent logical problems. My eldest sister is singing and dancing in the kitchen to the new song that dwells in her brain (she will be singing it for a couple more weeks). With all this going on, I wish to just travel through the household and bury myself into my bed.  I feel guilty for wanting to block out my family. Silence seems unattainable. Which in any other situation, I would feel comforted and loved but after that long hard day I want to be in complete solitude….

But no matter how I feel in these moments, I know I am never alone and I won’t ever be alone. Solitude: loneliness, privacy, isolation, seclusion, lonesomeness…are just some synonyms. I might feel loneliness sometimes, but I am never truly alone. Privacy is luxurious but also singular; I might know it but I rarely have it. So when I do attain a small shred of privacy I can cherish it for the small window of time I have. Isolation is to be alone without contact. I have a family which loves me and I get to see them every day; I am blessed because of this. Seclusion is alone and quiet. If I am in dead silence too long, I go stir crazy. Hearing the small giggles and voices steal themselves into my room brings comfort to my soul; I am not alone. Yes, in some instances of my life I feel lonesomeness…but even without my family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, students, etc. God is with me. He is in that sunset sky, His presence is beside my in the crowded room, and His love flows through my heart as I enter the loud loving house. He has me and I have Him. Until the day I die I am blessed.

Solitude…It’s not good or bad, it’s just what you see it as…

Solitude