Tag Archives: Faith

Hugs…Part 5

Hugs…Part 4

‘I don’t think she heard me,’ I said to myself because she hadn’t moved or responded to the great news. “Did you hear me Lizzy, it’s Miss…”

“I heard. I…”

Anticipation rising, I was having trouble controlling my emotions.

“I need you to leave. Leave this house without a word again, and actually keep your promise and never come back,” said without emotion or movements.

I was shocked she would say that; I thought she would be at least willing to understand my side of things. “Lizzy, aren’t you being a little unfair, I just want…”

“You have had forty years to explain. I will call you a cab. You will leave without saying goodbye to my daughter. Gather your stuff up and go.”

Lizzy exited the room towards her daughter, without so much of a tear; she just ended our conversation and began another with Annie.

I sat there a moment longer on the couch that I had thought I might get to stay on through the years. Being here with them gave me something to live for; I was going to attempt to make it to Annie’s adult life, if they would have had me. I stood and gathered my few belongings as a cab pulled up in front of the house. I didn’t want to just leave without saying goodbye; I didn’t want to relive my mistakes again. But I must respect her wishes and just leave. I walked up to the door, I thought I would never have to walk through again, and a second time stepped away from a family I wish I could have been a part of.

My body felt so heavy and my heart was slowly breaking. ‘What’s the point anymore, God? Is it time for me to come home, yet?’ as I plopped my body into the back of the cab as the cabby loaded my belongings.

“Where to Mam?” he said as routinely and generic as possible.

As I looked back towards the house, looking back at me through the living room window was little Annie’s tearful eyes. “Anywhere so crowded that I can’t be bothered by my feelings.”

He started the engine, and started to pull away from now just a memory.

Annie was no longer in the house she was running down the steps towards my leaving car. Stirring up the hard but bearable memory of leaving Lizzy the first time, ‘I don’t think I will live through this time,’ hearing Annie’s pleading cries and seeing her sobbing face. She will haunt me until my dying day.

…-…

We got back to the city back where I started outside the hotel, I had to weave through the bodies without being completely trampled. “Easier said than done, I must say,” I croaked out when I finally entered the flashy, cramped lobby. Booking my room, getting settled, and finally sitting in the slightly comfiest chair in the corner, I wept until I had no tears left. I sat in that chair for hours because I had no more energy for anything.

..-..

“Mam…? Mam,” the cleaning lady outside the door had been knocking for a while. “Mam? I’m coming in, excuse my entrance,” she said as she entered the door.

..-..

“Mama, what happened to the old lady with us? I miss her, and she didn’t even say goodbye. Mama?”

“She had to leave, Annie. Please don’t ask again.” Lizzy said as she stared out the window watching a man walk his grungy, cur-like dog down the street. “What an awful dog.”

“Mama, you okay? You always say what a poor dog and what a poor old man.”

‘How does she know these things,’ Lizzy thought to herself, ‘yes, when did I become so cynical?’ “I’m sorry my darling in just confused. What are you up to today?”

There was a knock at the door, just as Annie began to list off her long To-Do-List, “One minute Annie, let me get the door,” but she continued to ramble off. “Yes, hello,” as she said as she opened the door.

“Are you Elizabeth Kiddman, Mam?” a tall, crisp man standing on the porch said.

“Yes, that’s my legal name. May I ask what this is about? Annie, please stop rambling! Sorry I’m distracted, she is a handful,” Lizzy said as she gave the man her undying attention just as Lizzy latched onto her leg beside her.

“Mam, do you know a Ms. Ann…”

“Yep we do! She is the old lady that had to leave us suddenly,” Annie blurted out before he could finish.

“Annie darling, please go wait for me in the living room,” Lizzy could feel the indescribable tension building inside the man.

“But why…? Okay fine, whatever,” she begrudgingly went as she was told.

“Again, my apologies. Yes, we know of her. What about her?”

Annie was straining to hear her mother, but she only caught her mother whispering out, ‘what…when…how?’ So against all orders she ran back to the front door to protect her mother, but instead she entered just as her mother collapsed to the floor.

…To Be Continued…

Cur

Is it truly Complicated?

“Love is a complicated thing”…that’s what most people say.

I don’t; fake love, forced love, or even a wanted love that God indicates it’s not the right time, of course, are complicated. Believing that love is there when it’s blatantly not, is always complicated. Or forced love…forced love is almost exactly like fake love but it feels worse. Because if it has to be forced, then occasionally the other person is not faithful, or they are manipulating you for their own gain. But the one that got me countless times was the wanted love…wanting, but God implying it was not the one for you or that it is not the time. Wanting something so badly and constantly being shut down or cut off, also, if you ignore the signs given to you, you result to either fake or forced.

But don’t fret; there are many roosters in the world, but to find one that is loyal you must have outside help. For me when the right rooster came along it was easy; we were perfect. It had its ups and downs but my rooster stayed with me through the toughest of times. God helped me find my rooster and without His help, I was only finding fake or manipulating ones.

Now my rooster and I have been married almost 6 months, and we are thinking about having some miniature ones. It won’t be until we are a little more settled, but soon, we will have baby chickens or roosters running around.❤️

I know this post is a little odd, but I wanted to tie in the daily prompt to my daily drawings…I won’t do this every day, but I thought it would be fun for a while.

Fret

“White dress…check, veil…check, flowers…check, food…check,” Emma whispers…

“How’s the list coming, Honey?” Emma’s mother chimes into her dreamland. Have you decided upon everything you want?

“I think so Mother,” as Emma recites it back to her, confident that she is finished.

“You forgot place. You don’t know where you will have it? Has Nathan given you an idea he likes?”

“A place…” Emma ponders… “Nathan wants it to be in a place up in the woods, he went there for his parent’s renewal. It sounds beautiful but I don’t see us being able to afford it.” Why must there be hints of sadness while planning a happy occasion.

“I’m sorry my darling, but it is good to have a budget. Without one you would plunge into your life savings and that money is for the future; you are allowed to be prudent with your earnings,” Emma’s mother says while embracing Emma, “All will work out my baby.”

I was happy with the idea of being married at City Hall then having a grand big reception afterwards. But Nathan had his idea of a ceremony in front of friends and family. I have also always dreamed about having my almost niece be the flower girl, while the youngest nephew is being a batman symbol thrower. Next, my sister in-law walking down, my second eldest sister, then my eldest sister. My mother would be in the audience with my other nephew, because they prefer to be seen but not stared at. Next would come myself and my brothers; they would be giving me away. Hopefully both, but my eldest brother might be sitting with my mom, because he like she are similar. But for sure my younger brother will, he is my best friend. So yes, I have thought about a ceremony, the idea of having my friends and family taking part in our happy occasion warms my soul. But then that is more spending. If the place and seating was taken care of, I would be able to do the rest, within my budget. We just cannot afford it all.

Understand that Emma has told her mother all of this before, so as Emma sits quietly debating these thoughts in her head, Emma’s mother is just holding her and giving a head scratch.

“What if we had it at Grandpa’s and Grandma’s? The space is big enough. It might not give us everything, and we would have enough within our budget for the rest of the occasion.” Emma suggests an idea, nothing is set in stone.

“I am sure they would love to have you there. But you must discuss it with your future husband, these choices should be a team effort. Everything will be perfect because you are marrying someone you love.”

“Thanks mama, I love you.”

“I love you too, my baby girl.”

Prudent

Solitude.

The Solitude…

When I hear this word, I first see myself standing on a mountain, being swallowed up by the multi-colored sunset sky, waiting for the darkness to approach me. I have no fear, no pain; I await the dark with open arms. Because I know that when the darkness comes so does the glimmering stars. They awaken the sky; causing the darkness to dance through and behind the stars. It’s strange because this is my first thought but then other images come…

Next, I am sitting in a filled room; all the bodies around me are of people I know. However, they don’t acknowledge me; I am just a form taking up space they wish to fill with someone else. I stay sitting waiting to be noticed. Chaos surrounds me and continues to move without intertwining with me. It’s like there is a force field separating me from them. I am alone in this crowded place, and if someone were to notice me they would see tears spilling down my face. This image has pain and fear; I am in solitude and nothing will change…

Then I see myself here…After a long stressful day, I come home to my loveable but loud family. My nephews are screaming with glee when they see me. My brothers want to discuss their most recent logical problems. My eldest sister is singing and dancing in the kitchen to the new song that dwells in her brain (she will be singing it for a couple more weeks). With all this going on, I wish to just travel through the household and bury myself into my bed.  I feel guilty for wanting to block out my family. Silence seems unattainable. Which in any other situation, I would feel comforted and loved but after that long hard day I want to be in complete solitude….

But no matter how I feel in these moments, I know I am never alone and I won’t ever be alone. Solitude: loneliness, privacy, isolation, seclusion, lonesomeness…are just some synonyms. I might feel loneliness sometimes, but I am never truly alone. Privacy is luxurious but also singular; I might know it but I rarely have it. So when I do attain a small shred of privacy I can cherish it for the small window of time I have. Isolation is to be alone without contact. I have a family which loves me and I get to see them every day; I am blessed because of this. Seclusion is alone and quiet. If I am in dead silence too long, I go stir crazy. Hearing the small giggles and voices steal themselves into my room brings comfort to my soul; I am not alone. Yes, in some instances of my life I feel lonesomeness…but even without my family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, students, etc. God is with me. He is in that sunset sky, His presence is beside my in the crowded room, and His love flows through my heart as I enter the loud loving house. He has me and I have Him. Until the day I die I am blessed.

Solitude…It’s not good or bad, it’s just what you see it as…

Solitude