Tag Archives: thankfulness

Sickness…take a pause…

I wouldn’t say I didn’t believe my mother when she said she was sick, it was more I didn’t understand the level of sickness she was having to endure. But now as I lay in my bed and attempt to write this post I feel the headache coming back to me. So sorry mom if I seemed at all humorous to you when you were in bed, because now I must endure the slow recovery to my normal health.

Have you ever said to yourself, “You are not sick. Just believe you are fine and the sickness will not be there.” Well In the past I told myself this for years. When I swam, my coach would tell me the same thing, “if you don’t want to be sick, then tell yourself you are not.” Easier said then done, however if worked perfectly fine for her. She said she would only allow herself to be sick in the Summer, because she only had coaching. I however swam year round and my only vacations were holidays, and I wanted those times to be with family, not in bed. So constantly pushing myself to not be sick, just made me extremely sick when my body couldn’t take it anymore. Which is why I think my body sometimes shuts down. It is telling me I need a rest and I should take a couple days.

For the past 2 years I have not experienced that shutdown. I believe it is because I have one less stressful thing in my life. As much as I love and miss swimming, I think it was the best thing for me to stop. Yes, I might have been able to make it to the Olympics or even just Olympic trials, but I would have never been able to experience life through my twenties. So getting injured, even though I thought my life was over, was the beginning of my true self.

It’s funny how when you have time, even “being sick time”, that you can look deeper into your life. You see the things you cherish more, and you discover what truly matters to yourself. Family, friends, art, dancing, love, work, etc. I have much to cherish, and without stopping and pausing ever so often I might forget.

So in a way I say, “Thank you Mom. You might have given me a sickness which produces the worst headache in the word. And the constant terrible sweats, and chills. But you have given me a pause to reflect what I love most. Which is you, and my siblings. I love you!”

What If?

 

What would you chose FullSizeRender (1)

Sight or sound?

If one was no longer

To be found.

Would like to see

Bumblebees and other bugs

Travel through time

Dancing and giving hugs.

Would you like hear

The faint rustles of leaves.

Stirring up your simple fears

Drifting off into the breeze.

Wonder if you didn’t have these traits,

Would your life changed?

Or would you embrace

The subtle wonders within your space?

My Defining Memory

A defining moment in my life was the moment I stood up to my Father.  My father is verbally abusive and throughout my childhood I cowered around him and always tried to stray from his words.  As a child I was unclear about his actions and the words he would say, but as I matured I always attempted to gain praise or just avoid contact in fear of the repercussions. I remember the last night from my childhood in that house, I was ten years old and I remember waking to sobs.  My mother as strong as she is had the most abusive experience out of all of us.  That night I remember hugging my mother until I was too tired to sit up anymore. The pain and suffering from that night thankfully ended that day; we as a family left my father.  Even though the pain was still pinned to our hearts we were once again alive. Many years passed and times grew harder.   My mother had been talking with my dad, on and off again, and she hoped he had changed.  At the time we needed a place to live and everyone hoped and prayed that he might have changed.  He had changed; he had grown to be even more angry. We stayed there for about two days; because when my mother was not present he would change into a controlling monster.

I am now about fourteen years old. I remember the second day back in that house. My dad does the yard work, and on that day he purposefully ruined or destroyed half of my older sister’s plants. Sadly my older sister has gotten the harsh grief from my father for years prior to my existence.  I remember that morning, the air was crisp and bitter but the sun was shining. My eldest sister, younger brother and I went outside as he worked and moved all the undestroyed plants away from his path.  He took this as an insult that we don’t believe him, and he tried to play the victim.  Also, since the younger children were helping her move the plants, she must have brain washed us to believe he is the “bad guy”. Maybe we had been moving plants for about a minute and he started screaming at my sister. She tried to step away from him but he came towards her with a look of true hatred in his face. In that moment I found my true gift, protectiveness. He came forward and I stepped into his path, between him and her. The continuously yelling and abusing had to stop! I knew in that movement I was putting myself in danger, but I was more afraid of what he would do to her. I shouted, “BACK OFF! Leave her alone,” to his face and not breaking eye contact.  I was terrified after the words left my mouth.  I had never seen him be physically abusive but some looks from my siblings told me otherwise. As he backed away I called my mother on my phone, because I didn’t know what to do or what would happen next.  She came home quickly and watched over us as we finished our task. I know now if this would ever happen again I am allowed to call the cops, but as a teenager in fear for her siblings’ lives I knew my mother would come.  In this moment I found my true self, I am a protector of my family and anyone who threatens them will deal with me.

To My Brother: Who Might Never Read This

This is a shout out for anyone with a younger sibling or a close friend like a brother/sister; in my case this is dedicated to my brother.

I have a baby brother, who might kill me for calling him that, who is also my best friend. I know personally he has another person he views as his best friend, and I am happy for him, but he is mine. We are almost five years apart, but we seem closer somehow. To help this claim, random girls will come up to me and ask how old my “older” brother is.  It is hilarious to see their reaction when I tell them he is seventeen.  I am perfectly fine with their comments, because this must mean I look younger, Bonus Points!!

Anyways back to brother.  Yesterday, I realized that I can always depend on him. I knew this, in the back of my head, but I didn’t register it until that moment. Basically he always has my back.

I am sure you reading this is stirring up memories of your past with a close friend or sibling.  Talking about my little bro makes me think about our childhood.  I have been told by several relatives that I used to carry him around everywhere, and when I would get tired I would plop down and hug him in my lap.  Sometimes I wish I could travel back in time and watch our bond mold. Also I wish I could travel back to tell my teenager self to listen to my mom and stop being a big sister jerk to him.  All teenagers go through this stage, don’t lie to yourself, that they are incredibly embarrassed of their family. Thankfully, my mom got through, because if I had continued with that attitude I would have never decided for him to be my best friend.

However, teenage “me” had some good reasons for being annoyed sometimes, because my little brother would make it his mission to drive me crazy!  He probably was just mimicking me, of how I used to treat our older brother. You remember those days when your sibling would make a continuous repetitive noise in your vicinity…and how you would sit there until your brain felt like it would explode.  Yes I had many of those experiences.  The only time I survived those obnoxious noises, was when I chimed in as well. My poor mother. I also have proof; we have video that my brother made, when he was littler, that he clearly says:

“Now you take this pen and throw it at your sister,”

At the time I was not aware this video was being made, but I did get hit with the yellow highlighter.

Okay, enough with memory lane, earlier I said that I had realized I could always depend on my brother in small things he did for me.  I was doing my homework and I was have trouble revising a sentence.  I turned and ask him if he could help me and without hesitation he stood up, walked over, helped me, and then returned to his own work.  Another moment was when I was making myself lunch and I decided I didn’t want all of it. I could see it in his face he didn’t really want food at the moment but he ate it.  Usually in this situation I am lucky if I get to take a bite before he uses those “puppy eyes” and I end up giving him it; he is a master of this technique. But as he ate the half of the grilled cheese for me, so I would not feel bad about wasting food, I remembered all the other times when he was there for me.

When I would have to meet new people and he would come along just in case no one wanted to talk to me. When I am sent out to do an errand for our mother, he always will come along with me. When we drive to school in the morning he will help me study for my test; I do the same for him but his smartness is different than mine.

Even though these are small simple things; it is the small simple things in life that matter the most. I am the luckiest sister in the world; because my brother, someone who will constantly be in my life, has also gained the title of friend. I would be a completely different person without him as my brother. So thank you to my mom for giving me a true friend and a brother forever. And hopefully my brother knows that I will always be there for him.  I know that he knows, that I am a bit over protective, but he is my baby brother and I love him. So, for anyone out there who has that person: sibling or friend, that you immensely enjoy their company, give them a hug, fist bump, pat on the back, or some other form of casual affection I am forgetting.  I am sure they know how you feel; but like everyone, everybody loves to receive small hints of gratitude.

So, in short, I have a younger brother and best friend all rolled into one; I for once am lucky.