Tag Archives: Truth

Hugs…Part 4 (a bit longer…)

Hugs…Part 3

“What, Who, How?” I couldn’t seem to get a clear sentence out. “Where…did you get…that?” Finally giving up and gesturing to the laurel.

She quizzically looked down at the wreath of flowers and leaves, “I forgot who told me that’s what it’s called it; I’ve been calling it a wreath for all these years.”

She turned her eyes back to mine and I saw it; the same hidden sadness veiled under a smile, “Lizzy?” Unsure if this was indeed the long remembered child from my past.

Startled, she backed off, “How do you know me? I’ve never met you before.” She had moved to the edge of the sofa and little Annie’s head popped in around the door molding.

“You okay mama?” Annie said for her mother but was looking straight at me. Probably concerned that I had caused her mother to stiffen.

“I’m fine Annie, go back into the room and continue playing; you will have to tell me the whole story later,” her voice was a little settled.

Excited by the idea of explaining the lives of the dolls to her mother, “I’ll go start over and remember everything.” She was gone as quickly as she was there.

Turning my gaze back at the mother, I could see her mind running through perhaps all her memories trying to remember me, or trying to recall me. My greatest hope is that she will remember me and offer another hug; the glorious hug that I have always remembered. Her eyes stopped rummaging and stared at me intently, ‘here it comes’ I thought to myself.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t remember you.”

My heart shattered.

“Did we meet recently? Did you just read about me back a while ago in the scandal? Did you…”

“What scandal?” Trying to rack my brain, but remembering I was living in the middle of nowhere.

She looked at me, “You’re not a reporter right? Here to get an inside scooped some forty odd years later. You don’t look like the typical reporter, but I wouldn’t be surprised.”

Confused by her remark, but answered accordingly, “No, I’m not a reporter; I’ve been living in the country these forty some odd years and I haven’t had access to the modern gossip.”

“Well thank goodness someone who doesn’t know the lies to begin with. Now I wish you were a reporter so I could give you the very elaborate string of events and situations that happened.”

Again checking her surroundings making sure Annie was nowhere in sight. “I was adopted by a very nice and charming family right around the age of twelve. They are the ones that gave me this,” paused a moment, “laurel. Their youngest son was such a sweet heart, he was just under my age, but he seemed to act younger. He was my very best friend. I was with the family for a marvelous three years before it happened.” Tears were coming.

“Since you know nothing you should know, that everyone in the world believe I wish it to happen that I was just trying to have a better life. But if they actually had listen to me they would have known my life was perfect and I didn’t want it to change,” she said as she brushed the tears away.

“We had a family gathering, my family thought it was about time the rest of the family met me. They thought I should meet and intertwine with my many aunts and uncles. I was so excited I didn’t even think to keep my guard up.”

Listening to her talk I am at war with my feelings. I know the story must end badly, but I am so happy for her to have experienced the family lifestyle.

“I was such a naïve child. I had four years of love and kindness that I didn’t even suspect for their extension of the family to be any different. I just went wandering through the crowds of people. I was almost seventeen so I was old enough to introduce myself. But my little brother followed me everywhere. He had some disability that made him believe he was still young; he functioned perfectly but his mind was still innocent. So as I wandered he followed,” she paused only to brush another tear away.

“Any other day, I would have been glad he was always with me, but since that day I have wished every day that he hadn’t been there; because, after that day he became aware. They had one uncle that was not invited but had shown up anyways. I never thought that anything would happen. He kicked out my little brother and took me away.”

I could see the pain and shame; she didn’t have to explain it any farther. I rested my hand on hers and made her look into my eyes. I didn’t want her to relive it again.

She began to sob, trying to collect herself and continue, but she excused herself for a moment and went to the bathroom.

Annie popped her head in and got terrified that he mama wasn’t there. She walked straight up to me with her pointing finger right at my nose, “What happened to my mama!?!”

She had the cutest concerned face ever, if I hadn’t known I would have thought this was Lizzy’s little girl. “She is just using the restroom. How’s the story for the dolls going? Anything exciting happening?” Annie started telling me some of the story and wow she had so many details already thought out and planned. It was amazing. I could sense that someone was watching so I said, “Annie don’t look now, but your mam is spying; she is trying to hear the story now! You better run away and continue working on it so you don’t spoil the ending.”

Annie looked over at her mama in the doorway, scampered off the coach, and ran into the other room. She popped her head in one last time, “no peeking until I say its time,” and she was gone again.

Lizzy was a bit more controlled. She had cleaned her face and her eyes weren’t was teary.

“Sorry about that…I just…”

Thinking the tears might come back, “Your daughter is so adorable. You have quite the story waiting for you when she gets done.”

“Yeah, she makes every day interesting.” She was better now. “My little brother saved my life probably. The moment he got shoved out of the room he wailed and screamed. My family came to his rescue but didn’t know they would be rescuing me too. After the whole ordeal, I had to go to court and have it all reconciled. The uncle kept trying to blame me, and continued to feed the reporters fake news. My family though, stood up for me and defended me; they knew what he was and what his consequences should have been. He ended up going to jail.”

That brought a smile to her face, and I was happy for that too. Even though I thought, if his face had collided with shovel I would have been even happier.

“He also had to pay me 1.2 million dollars.”

My face probably said everything she expected; it felt like my mouth fell off my face.

“Yeah, even though my family wanted it to be closer to two-billion dollars. After the trial, I thought everything would go back to normal, but the courts deemed me unhealthy to be with my family. Because I now had a taste for money that I would continue to repeat what happened to me. My family of course was against the thought and prepared to go to battle with the courts, but they would lose everything. So instead of them losing everything I decided I should. I told them a lie; I told them to leave me and never come back. As heartbroken as I was, they were even more so.

I went back to the orphanage and bought it. I wanted to run it; I wanted to be in charge; I wanted the children to actually have a chance. It slowly dwindle down to no more children. I had made sure they all got into respectable loving homes.”

‘Great now I seem like more of a failure,’ I said to myself. She didn’t just lose her home, she made sure everyone got one except her. Now my failures and fears sound even worse. Because she didn’t get what she wanted, but she continued to fight to give others their dreams.

“I never married. I don’t know if it was because of what happened, but it was probably due to the repercussion of the reporters. They twisted and manipulated my story to make me out to an awful person. Making any respectable man out there stay away, and causing only the bad ones or greedy ones to come; so I gave up on trying. When I found Annie under the bench, she was perfect for my empty heart. She didn’t have a name when I adopted her, so I named her after one woman that seemed to love me…Miss Ann.”

I must have gasped, but I covered it up by just being an old lady having a hard time breathing. Annie is name after me? That is the sweetest thing I have ever been told, and that she saw me as someone who loved her. Still, I didn’t really want her to find out that Miss Ann had been sitting across from her; not only because she knew my failures, but mostly because she would know that I left her.

“She was the one person in my life I loved talking to about my adventures, my sorrows, or my questions. After I left to live with my family, I never saw her again. I understood I had a family to talk to but she was the person I wanted to see as well. After the scandal and being alone, it would have been wonderful to of had her with me. However, no one could tell me anything; even when I bought the place the woman who was in charge before said she didn’t have a way to contact her, and that she hadn’t been back.  I kept searching for a while, but she just dropped off the face of the planet. I thought I had meant something to her, but I guess I was just another child she had to counsel.” She looked off in the direction of Annie.

‘I didn’t want to. I didn’t!’ I was yelling in my brain. It wouldn’t come out into words, subconsciously I didn’t want her to hate me. Not now. Not when my life would soon end. But I didn’t want her to go another day wondering about me. So… “It’s me Lizzy, its Miss Ann.”

…To be continued…

Elaborate

Hugs…part 2…

Hugs…Part 1

…Thirty years later…

Every day I think back to the young girl who could have changed my life. I see her poised little body sitting in the chair with the beautiful laurel in her hair; I see her eyes shiny with excitement for her new journey, that didn’t include me and that’s where the wonderful memory ends. I haven’t truly moved on since that day. I’m seventy-three now and I have never moved on or amounted to anything.

After that day, I moved to Idaho; to a small town out in the middle of nowhere. Where great big trees were my fortress and I had to live only with the necessities. But now as I grow older, my distance neighbors and the county are kicking me out back to civilization, because they fear I’ll just drop dead and no one will notice. So I must go back to where I escaped from, and swore never to return.

Bring back it’s the same here; It’s crowded and loud. There isn’t enough space to call your own; everyone is stepping on everyone’s toes. In a parallel world, I would have lived my life out healthy and alive on my property in Idaho and I would have died there without the feeling of pain. Instead I have to endure not only death, but I have to withstand all the emotions in a crowd of thousands, while slowly being battered as I walk down the sidewalk to my new, last home.

My new last home…it’s a care giving home, so technically is an old person waiting to die home. It would have been refreshing to have the woman take me to my apartment say here is your bed you shall live out your days, until God comes and takes you back. But no they have to be non-genuine, with fake smiles, and tell you everything will be fine. They are not going to like me very much; but alas this is my new home and hopefully it will all be over soon.

…Ten More Years Passed…

‘Poop,’ that what I said to my myself about my never dying body, ‘Poop.’ “Well since I’m not getting any younger I’ll go out today,” I stood up from the game of hearts and started to the door.

“I’m sorry mam but you can’t go anywhere; you are getting too old to be in the world alone,” the daft nurse with the clouded eyes said. “I must insist you sit back down.”

“And if I won’t. What would I have to do to leave this place?”Standing firm and stubborn in my ways.

“You would have to leave our care and you wouldn’t be allowed to come back without paying the entrance fee again.”

Smart on their part, because it cost an arm and a leg to get in here and I wouldn’t be able to afford it again. Well…”Okay goodbye. Help me collect my things.” Probably dumb on my part, but I’m at the end of my ropes anyways so it doesn’t really matter.

It’s amazing how in ten years things can change. Trying to hail a cab to take me away from here, it seemed like the population tripled and all of them are storming the walkway. I’m no longer being slowly battered it’s more like quickly assaulting. Finally in the cab I’m away from it all.

“Where to Mam?” the heavily accented cabby said.

“Just drive that way, take me to a quiet neighborhood.” Feeling a bit exhausted from my two minute encounter with civilization. “Wake me when you think the place is quite enough for me.”

“Yes Mam,” and he was off.

And I slept.

“Mam, we here,” the cabby said as he pulled the back passengerdoor open.

He shook me slightly, probably concerned I died in his back seat. I fluttered my eyes open and I heard a sigh of relief escape his mouth. “Where are we? And what time is it?”

“It’s seven-thirty at night, and we are in a quiet little neighborhood just like you asked.” He seemed in a hurry to get me out of the car. He was setting my luggage on the curb and carefully pulling me from the seat. “That will be eighty-three dollars and twenty-three cents.”

“Wow…I didn’t know it would be that much.” I handed him a hundred and expected the change back but he left. “Poop, my day keeps getting better and better.” The neighborhood around me looked familiar, but up-scaled. There were apartment’s five stories tall; mansions every other house with crazy architectural advancements, like: one had almost a fifteen foot entrance door, a different one had flying buttresses or gargoyles, and others had lion statues along their drive ways. In front yards of condos, people put up privacy fences eight feet tall. Then, it seemed like clockwork, as all the yards awoke with sprinklers. However lastly, I saw the endearing old house at the end of the street on the corner resurfacing my memories; everything about the house is the same, maybe except the new sprucing of paint and windows.

“You just couldn’t let me die without coming back, could You?” God has such a way of doing things. I had been having an inkling I had to come back, but I was hoping I was wrong, but nope. “Now what? You have laid out this plan, so now what?” I must look like a crazy old lady yelling at the clouds. Suddenly it started pouring; God has a good sense of humor. “Right, now they have to let a poor old woman in if she is out in the cold rain, nice one.”

I enter the gate and it hit me; this house, my memories, my pain…do I want to hit that dead on. “Don’t be scared you old bat, no one will remember you or recognize you; you’re old,” as I barely climbed the porch stares, “Stupid old knees.” The door was before me. The door that I never wanted to pass through again. The one that I walked through and swore on my life that I would never bring forth the pain again… I knocked.

A small girlish opened the door and scream! She slammed the door and ran away screaming.

“Well that’s not what I expected; that was a new response. Are you laughing up there?” I knew He was. Again I heard movement in the house.

This time a young woman opened the door, “Oh my goodness, please come in. I’m so sorry you were not let in sooner.” The woman ushered me in as she gathered my belongings. “Annie, get me some warm milk and a large blanket. Hurry!”

I heard a small pitter-patter across the floor and something being wrapped around me…then all went black.

…To Be Continued…

Parallel

Is it truly Complicated?

“Love is a complicated thing”…that’s what most people say.

I don’t; fake love, forced love, or even a wanted love that God indicates it’s not the right time, of course, are complicated. Believing that love is there when it’s blatantly not, is always complicated. Or forced love…forced love is almost exactly like fake love but it feels worse. Because if it has to be forced, then occasionally the other person is not faithful, or they are manipulating you for their own gain. But the one that got me countless times was the wanted love…wanting, but God implying it was not the one for you or that it is not the time. Wanting something so badly and constantly being shut down or cut off, also, if you ignore the signs given to you, you result to either fake or forced.

But don’t fret; there are many roosters in the world, but to find one that is loyal you must have outside help. For me when the right rooster came along it was easy; we were perfect. It had its ups and downs but my rooster stayed with me through the toughest of times. God helped me find my rooster and without His help, I was only finding fake or manipulating ones.

Now my rooster and I have been married almost 6 months, and we are thinking about having some miniature ones. It won’t be until we are a little more settled, but soon, we will have baby chickens or roosters running around.❤️

I know this post is a little odd, but I wanted to tie in the daily prompt to my daily drawings…I won’t do this every day, but I thought it would be fun for a while.

Fret

Complicated.

The thought of moving is exciting and thrilling. It gets my mind chasing and springing to life! What will my neighbors be like? How will the neighborhood fair, to right now? When will I start having kiddos!?!😊 Will my home be as colorful as I imagine? Will the sky be as beautiful or more so?

On the other hand, moving also means leaving my family behind. They can always come visit, they can always come and see me. But it won’t be often. I won’t see my mom, sister, and brother everyday at work. There won’t be birthday parties once a month (pretty much). Holidays will be hard….and I will miss them terribly.

They have always been there and I have missed the occasional crazy chime-in voice when I say something clever. My husband I do, do it often but it’s different when there are various voices. I’ll miss the moments when I want a mama hug, being able to drive to her house and steal one. I’ll miss seeing my nephews grow up into who they will be.

So much sadness comes up when I think about moving, but also excitement…

So I drew this picture because it’s beautiful to me. And I don’t know if I’m in the house that is colorful or if I’m spying on the house that is beautiful.

“White dress…check, veil…check, flowers…check, food…check,” Emma whispers…

“How’s the list coming, Honey?” Emma’s mother chimes into her dreamland. Have you decided upon everything you want?

“I think so Mother,” as Emma recites it back to her, confident that she is finished.

“You forgot place. You don’t know where you will have it? Has Nathan given you an idea he likes?”

“A place…” Emma ponders… “Nathan wants it to be in a place up in the woods, he went there for his parent’s renewal. It sounds beautiful but I don’t see us being able to afford it.” Why must there be hints of sadness while planning a happy occasion.

“I’m sorry my darling, but it is good to have a budget. Without one you would plunge into your life savings and that money is for the future; you are allowed to be prudent with your earnings,” Emma’s mother says while embracing Emma, “All will work out my baby.”

I was happy with the idea of being married at City Hall then having a grand big reception afterwards. But Nathan had his idea of a ceremony in front of friends and family. I have also always dreamed about having my almost niece be the flower girl, while the youngest nephew is being a batman symbol thrower. Next, my sister in-law walking down, my second eldest sister, then my eldest sister. My mother would be in the audience with my other nephew, because they prefer to be seen but not stared at. Next would come myself and my brothers; they would be giving me away. Hopefully both, but my eldest brother might be sitting with my mom, because he like she are similar. But for sure my younger brother will, he is my best friend. So yes, I have thought about a ceremony, the idea of having my friends and family taking part in our happy occasion warms my soul. But then that is more spending. If the place and seating was taken care of, I would be able to do the rest, within my budget. We just cannot afford it all.

Understand that Emma has told her mother all of this before, so as Emma sits quietly debating these thoughts in her head, Emma’s mother is just holding her and giving a head scratch.

“What if we had it at Grandpa’s and Grandma’s? The space is big enough. It might not give us everything, and we would have enough within our budget for the rest of the occasion.” Emma suggests an idea, nothing is set in stone.

“I am sure they would love to have you there. But you must discuss it with your future husband, these choices should be a team effort. Everything will be perfect because you are marrying someone you love.”

“Thanks mama, I love you.”

“I love you too, my baby girl.”

Prudent

Battles of life.

Across the street in front of a store window you see a family gathered around a gleeful child. The child beams with excitement and wonder. The family is close nit and welcoming; you wish you could intertwine into their love because that is all you seek. Instead, you continue down the other side of the street; which seems clouded and musky with a hushed noise engulfing you up. No lights or laughter is along your walk. Only a gradual darkness on this lifeless street.

Years pass and again you walk along that lifeless street; however, this time you are next to your partner. You love them deeply and your walk now has a glow of happiness surrounding your essence. You walk hand in hand down the pavement path, but they stop suddenly causing you to run into their shoulder. Their eyes stare to the left, you follow their gaze to a beautiful human in front of that store. This new human radiates warmth and love. The person stands so tall and proud glancing at all the wonders in the store. Your partner stands there a second to long and you know your love is fake. Their heart is still searching, where as yours was complete and satisfied. Your partner pulls away from you and leaves you there on this side of the street. Without a word of goodbye your partner greets the radiant person as if its love at first sight. You stand there on the now dark path depressed to the core, “Why is life so unfair?” and you continue back down the lonely path and are submerged in the darkness.

Time passed and you have given up on life. You walk this hard paved path and you don’t care what crosses you. Nothing surprises you anymore; you are just not one of the fortunate souls in life. This side of the street has grown more unwelcoming. You can only see a footstep space in front of you. You’ve given up trying to lead a fake life knowing that somehow it will be taken from you. You continue stumbling toward the end of the block to the full submission of darkness; this time not stopping to look over at the side of the street you can never be a part of. You journey on, eyes cast downward, wanting to stop all movement and be done. Darkness…

Life isn’t perfect but its not in total gloom either. You still have no one, but you walk now head high and curious about what will come your way. You are not expecting much from day to day life, but you are optimistic that one day might be better than another. The side of the street you walk on is now slightly brighter. You can walk freely without fearing of tripping over an obstacle. You stop in the spot that has many a day changed your fate. You turn and look towards the side of wonder. In front the store stands a couple and child. The child beams with excitement and the couple are radiant in the light. The family exudes love and you cave and wish that for yourself. You forget your previous mindset and dream of a better life you desire. You turn and continue down the hard pavement path pondering on how you can have what they have.

“Why bother, nothing ever happens for me,” a new day has come and you walk head hanging low. Tears pour down your face. You pour your heart into person after person and they never love you back. You falter every step as you continue down this path. “No one will love me,” and you walk into the shady darkness…

“Life…” you say as you step onto the ground which hasn’t changed. “It’s my own life and I can do with it as I see fit.” You decide that moment on you don’t need anyone, instead just live your life for you. If things happen they happen, but if they don’t you at least love yourself. Every life has love; others might have more, but all lives have love. Walking along the path you follow everyday you pause in the space…You turn your body to align with the spot in front of the window. No people are standing there that spot is vacant.There are lights shimmering and couples and children giggling. “Is this real?”

Standing there alone searching across the street to a bright vibrant side, you step towards it. Your foot falls onto the asphalt ground. It’s firm and will hold you. You continue each step towards a brighter life uncertain if it will be striped away from you. Walking across the street you think back over your life. How you could have changed you life if you had been brave enough to live it alone. Realizing, you had been alone all these years, and you could have been living them alone in a world of light and laughter. Last step…

You are here. The window of dreams and light. You peer inside and you see what all had seen before you. SNAP! A light engulfs you. As your vision comes back, you see your own image in front of you. You are a small human standing wide eyed and dreamily into this gleaming world. You look radiant against the dark shadows behind you. The picture is proof that you live. Life is about living it. You live in the bright and darkness of the world. To say you only live in the bright happy one is fake, and to say you are doomed to live in the darkened one forever is fake. Life is living between the two. Constantly battling and struggling to stay in the middle.

Looking up and down this brightened street, everyone is too happy, faking their emotions. You don’t feel comfortable here, because this is not life either. You turn back towards the darkened side. You walk to the center of the asphalt road…This is life; where the shadows mix with the light creating the perfect balance. A path suited for living.

As life goes on, you stumble and falter between the happy and sad sides of life, but you always stop, gather yourself up, and return to the center.

Live life. Live it for yourself. Take the battles on. Follow the path designed for you. Love.

Fake