July 16, 2018

“I’m pregnant!” I told my fiancé excitedly. We were already getting married. ‘Yes, when I saw the positive I was slightly disappointed in myself because I didn’t wait; but that went away when I realized I was going to be a mom.’

Silence. All I got was silence.

“Did you hear me? We are going to have a baby. You are going to be a dad! Aren’t you excited?”

“Are you sure it’s mine?”

First slap in the face.

“Yes. Of course, it’s yours. You know me. I’m not that type of person.” ‘What was he saying? Of course, it was his kid. I can even tell you when it happened. It wasn’t an actual grand memory. He got drunk and “forced” but I didn’t stop him. So, I wanted to, but I was trying to wait until marriage; but things happen when you are in the moment. But it was still my first time, and I have been faithful since. ‘ “Why are you reacting this way? We were going to have kids in the future. It’s just a couple months early.”

“To be honest, I was going to have kids, but just not your kids.”

Second Slap.

‘I couldn’t speak. What!?! Not my kids? Than whose kids?’ “What!?! I don’t understand you at all? If not our kids; than whose?”

“Julissa’s. She’s hot. Our kids will be hot too. If I’m going to bring kids into the world, I want them to be top notch. Our kids would be average. Sure, they might be intelligent, but intelligence only gets you so far in the world. As you know, eventually a smart person has to marry an attractive or wealthy person to stay relevant. I thought you understood your role in our life. You are just a placement to make my parents happy.”

Third slap to the face.

‘At least the truth came out now. Can you imagine if this pregnancy hadn’t happened. If I had just continued to live on cloud nine. What would have happened after we had gotten married. He probably would have lived elsewhere and left me alone. I wanted to hurt him. I had given him six years of my youth. I’m now twenty-one years old. Pregnant with a child that my fiancé doesn’t actually want. “Why wouldn’t you tell me this before. You could have married the one you wanted to. What am I supposed to do now?”

“Just go get it taken care of.”

Fourth slap to the face.

‘Not going to happen. Was he always this person?’ “Well, that’s not going to happen. What is your back-up idea?” ‘Even if he didn’t want my kids; I wanted them. So as much as I feared his reply; giving up on my child was not an option.’

“Handle it. Or I will.”

I saw something in his eyes as he said those words. It terrified me. ‘Was he always this way?’ I said nothing. I feared what he might do to me. I texted my sister to come pick me up. Her reply said ten minutes. That was too long. I didn’t think I could sit here with this man another second. I feared for my child’s life. There was a group of men sitting across the hall. I know it was reckless, but I got up from my seat and wandered over to their table. “Can I sit with you all for ten minutes?”

They all went silent and just stared at me.

I could feel John behind me starting to stir and come my way. ‘Please! Help me!’ I silently screamed in my head! I jumped as a hand touched my shoulder. I turned in fear expecting to see it was John, but instead it was a guy with sandy blonde hair. He smiled at me.

“Sure. No problem at all. Take my seat. I’ll grab another chair.”

The new man walked off, just after he positioned me in his seat. I relaxed a smidge. Until a hand grabbed my shoulder and dug his fingers into my skin. I tried to get away, but it was pointless. I was being lifted from my chair, by my shoulder. I was about to stand when the sandy haired man was once again beside me.

He lifted John’s hand from my shoulder. “Do you have a problem?” This new man stood between me and John. I felt protected.

“I don’t know why she came over here, but my fiancé and I are leaving. Get up, Cassie.” He reached towards me once again.

I shrank away. I didn’t want that hand to touch me again. I don’t know what would happen if I left with him.

Instead of me, the sandy haired man’s hand intercepted John’s arm. “I think you guys need some time apart to think. Cassie, doesn’t seem to want to be around you right now. How about this. She can hang out with us until someone else comes to pick her up. We,” he gestured to the men around the table, “are all upstanding citizens. Your fiancé will not be harmed in our company. But I insist you retract your hand and leave.”

‘Would he leave? Would he go? I have never seen John listen to anyone especially a stranger.’ But I still sat there behind the sandy haired man and cowered into a smaller person; trying to hide myself from John.

“Cassie. If you do not leave with me now. We are through.”

‘Really!?! So, if I don’t say anything he will end this awful relationship. Will it really be that easy. I could be free of John by just staying quiet!?!’ I said nothing.

“I mean it!” John practically screamed at me.

Still silent. ‘Just go John. Leave! I don’t want this relationship any more than you do. LEAVE!’

I still sat there. Cowering. I was worried a hand would latch onto me again. And drag me away into darkness. ‘Go away. Go away. Please, go away.’ A hand touched my shoulder, and I yelped and jumped up out of my chair and away from the hand. I was going to fight if I needed to.

“Miss. Don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt you,” the sandy haired man was speaking to me.

I relaxed. But then I started to sob. I collapsed onto the floor. My body finally let go of everything. I just sat there wallowing in my own sadness. Until I felt my body being lifted and onto a chair. A jacket was draped over my bended legs. A comforting arm was around my shoulders. And a slowly soft pat from a warm hand on my shoulder. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know how long I sat there. I don’t know anything. All I knew was I was going to raise this baby. And this baby would be loved. And the best thing I’ve ever done, is separate my child from the evil man I almost married.

March 17, 2024

Present

‘Why am I here. I don’t know why me, a single mom is at a St. Patrick group dating thing. I know why, my sister dragged me along. She said something like I needed to experience and be around adults. I don’t know why. I’m perfectly happy being around my son. He’s all anyone would need. I already miss him.’

As if my sister knew what I was doing, she swiped my phone from me. “No. You are not a mom tonight. You are my kick-butt sister that deserves someone to love her unconditionally like her son does. There has to be a guy out there in the world that is your actual match. Not the butthead.”

I know. I know. I deserve more. She has been saying this since that day at that restaurant. I was completely out of it that night. I remember the fear, but also sandy blonde hair. I never knew his name, but I will always be grateful to him. He probably saved my son’s and my own life that night. But when Sarah had showed up, her top priority was to get me safely in the car. Sandy blonde haired man carried me to the car, placed me on the seat, and buckled me in. But his words are still with me.

“You deserve better. Be thankful God blessed you with a child. A child is the greatest gift to receive. Focus on the good. You will be a great mom.”

I actually have that painted as a sign in my home. It reminds me every day of what choice I made five years ago. But it also reminds me, that I made the right choice that night.

However, here I sat at a table full of women and men. I felt so socially awkward. I haven’t truly been out in public, at night, in almost six years. Raising a son is difficult; but I didn’t do it alone. My family helped me. It took some time for my father to accept it, but I think when he held his grandson for the first time; all his anger melted away. I should say the anger towards me melted. Everyone will forever hate John. ‘Wow, that’s the first time I’ve said his actually name in a long time. His new name is butthead. But he hasn’t really been spoken of, since Micheal James was born. I named my son after my dad and brother. Focus, Cassie. Focus. You are with people. Adult people. Spacing out will not look good. Focus.’

I focused back into where I was. I was sitting at a long table. Women on one side, men on the other. I think this is actually speed dating. That’s somewhat better. Usually, I can only hold an adult conversation for about five minutes before I switch to children’s topics. And from a few past experiences I discovered that men do not like women who have kids; or can’t hold a grown-up conversation. I wonder if Sarah knew all this and chose this group speed dating on purpose. Probably. She’s a great sister.

“Alright Ladies and Gentlemen!” The hostess called out into the room. The room of people quieted. “You all know how this goes. You have five minutes to talk to the man or woman in front of you. Spend the time wisely. You also have a sheet in front of you. You will mark the people you think you meshed well with, and at the end we will see if any of you matched. Please do not mark everyone listed on your page. Your page will not be calculated. Now, let the dating begin!”

The night was not a total failure yet. I learned several new things. That there are quite a few single people out there that have children. Men and women. But I also learned new and interesting hobbies people have. One man did exercise, another reading, another dancing, another skydiving, etc. Several “hobbies” seemed like just alone time for a parent, but I guess reading can be a hobby. At the break my sister explained that it just an ice breaker; asking what your hobbies are. It helps keep the conversation going if the talking slows. That makes sense; however, I do so much in a day, that I try to only have a few needed conversations. That most of my talking is spent with my son.

This so far has been an interesting experience, but my sheet was still blank. I didn’t find “the spark” that the hostess had mentioned with anyone. She had said you would just know. But I don’t trust my “knowing” feeling. I knew the feeling. It was what I had felt with John. And obviously it was a lie. It was probably just loneliness speaking. But I can’t trust that feeling. Never again. Now that I know that; I should probably just leave. I’m probably wasting the time of these other men who are trying to find someone. I would like to find someone, but I don’t know if I’m ready yet.

The break was almost over. I knew it was not my night and I needed to leave. I looked at my sister. She looked at me, and I pleaded with her silently. She understood because she got up from her chair and handed me my phone. “I’m sorry, Sarah. I just think…”

“I totally understand. I just wanted you to try. Just don’t give up. You should always leave your heart open for a chance. Just don’t shut your heart. God can only help so much; you have to be open to the idea.”

I hugged her. She knew me. She knew what I was thinking even if I couldn’t put it into words. “Thanks Sis. I will. I’ll just go sit at the bar. I’ll wait for you.” I gathered up my belongings. I took my sheet up to the hostess and explained my situation. She seemed frustrated but still allowed me to cancel my spot. This is better for everyone. I wouldn’t want the men to risk everything on me. They deserve happiness too. I headed to the bar just as the bell clanged starting up round two.

I wish I had just gotten a cab home. I didn’t realize that the speed dating would go until midnight. It was only eleven o’clock. I still had an hour for it to be done, but also probably another twenty minutes of the results being handed out and the chit chat that happens after.

No one was sitting around me. I decided to call my little man. He was probably still wide awake at my parents’ house. He loves his grandparents. I called my mom through facetime. A groggy woman answered the phone. “I’m sorry mom. I didn’t think you would be asleep yet. Is Michael still awake?”

“Hmm…let me see,” mom dropped the phone to her side. I know because I was seeing their house upside-down. “He is sleeping with your dad on the couch,” she turned the camera to show me a sweet sight.

My dad was passed out amongst books and toys; and my son was sleeping on his chest. They both were snoring little snores. ‘So cute!’ That’s good. I’m happy they had a great night together. I miss living with them. “Thanks mom. Sorry I woke you. You can go back to sleep.”

“Okay. Thanks sweetie. How’s it going? Did you meet anyone?”

“No. I don’t think I’m ready yet. I didn’t want to give these other fellows false hope. So, I’m just waiting for Sarah at the bar.”

My mom’s face got really close to the camera, “You sure? Then who is the man behind you? He’s handsome. I approve my sweet daughter. Goodnight.” And she hung up.

‘Man behind me?’ I turned on my stool and indeed there stood a man. And yes, he was handsome. But maybe I was in his way. “Do you need something behind me,” I scooted off my stool to allow him to get to whatever he needed. But he didn’t move. He just looked at me. At me. Like AT ME! I tried to walk away. I don’t know why but being looked at like that made me uneasy. But then a hand stopped me. I turned and looked at the hand; it belonged to the man. But the touch didn’t disturb me; like others had. His touch was soft and warm. Like… ‘WAIT!’ I searched his face again. But all I remembered from that night was sandy blonde hair; and this man had dark brown hair. He was handsome, but other than the touch he wasn’t familiar. “Can I help you? Did you mistake me for someone else?”

His hand dropped. “You don’t remember me?” His eyes spoke with sadness. “I thought…”

“If I met you in the past I’m sorry. I’ve had a busy six years raising my son.” ‘Usually that statement ends conversations with handsome men.’

“You had your kid. That’s awesome! That’s a relief. All those years or wondering if you had or not.”

‘Huh?’ “Do you know me?” I looked at him again, but nothing jumped out at me.

“Yeah. I met you about six years ago. I guess I’m not the memorable type. I thought you would at least remember how I had helped you that day,” he brushed his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry to bother you, Miss.” And he turned to go.

‘Wait!’ I grabbed his arm this time. “Say that again.” I probably seemed crazy.

“What?” the man had stopped but he yanked his arm away from me.

“What you just said. Please say it again.”

“I thought you would remember me.”

“After that.”

“I’m sorry to bother you.” He started to walk away.

“NO! The Miss. Please say Miss again.”

“Miss. Why just that part?”

“Please, just say it. Just like you did before.”

He sighed. He shook his head but still he said, “I’m sorry to have bothered you, Miss.”

It was him. I knew it was. I don’t know why or how, but I walked right up to him and kissed him. I kissed him. ‘I’m kissing him!?!’ I stepped away from him covering my mouth. “I’m sorry. I…I… I’m…” He was stunned. I was flabbergasted. Then it was turning into embarrassment. I had to get out of there. I tried to rush away. But that hand stopped me. I knew his touch. It was him. But kissing him was not the right first step. I couldn’t turn to look at him. I could feel the red creeping up.

“Look at me,” he said.

I couldn’t. But I did turn in his direction. He deserved to speak to me however he wanted.

“Miss look at me.”

‘No. He would see the red.’

“Miss. Please,” his voice was just like that night.

I couldn’t help but respond. I looked up. I knew my face was bright red. He just stared at me. “What…” I couldn’t finish my thought, because he kissed me back.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Turns out Gregory (sandy haired man) had been looking for Cassie since that night he saved her from John. But with no such luck he gave up. Until he got a call from one of his buddies at the speed dating; that friend had been at the table that night eight years ago. He recognized Cassie from that night, and he instantly called Gregory to come and get his girl. However, when Gregory had gotten to the restaurant his buddy told him that his girl left. But that she had walked over to the direction of the bar. If anything, his buddy would hunt down the girl that Cassie had been talking to; Gregory’s girl would not disappear again.

Gregory walked into the bar area and saw her. She was facetiming someone. It had better not be a boyfriend or husband; but she had been at the speed dating. Gregory decided to face it head on. No, she was talking to her mom it seemed like. Good, there’s a chance she is single.

But then Cassie didn’t recognize him. His world came crashing down. She didn’t remember him. Not super surprising; he had dyed his hair and grown up. But he had hoped she would have remembered him at least a little.

Then to add salt to the wound she asked to repeat myself. She really was good at killing a possibility completely.

But then she was kissing me. ME! Wait what? She stopped. She pulled away and tried to run. Not going to happen. I caught her and pulled her in to return the favor. She was my girl, and she would be my girl until the end.

.-.-.-.-.