I think I would choose age 15-17. When I was a competitive swimmer.

I stayed on my swim team because I didn’t want to lose my friends, start from scratch, and I didn’t want to let my coach down.

But if I had switched teams I would have probably gone farther in the sport. Not gotten hurt. And probably would have made it to the Olympics.

But instead I choose my friends. I thought they would be my friends always. But the older friends tolerated me because I was fast. The younger friends respected me because I was fair. But in the end I only have one good friend from my 17 years of swimming; living in a different state, and I only text her. It’s been almost 5 years now since I last saw her.

Another reason for not leaving, was I didn’t want to have to figure out my place on a new team. I knew there were faster swimmers than me. Surprisingly enough, more dedicated swimmers than me. But on my old swim team I was respected.

You can’t really leave one team, try out another, and then return. It would have not gone well.

The biggest reason of all: I didn’t want to disappoint my coach. My coach was my coach for 8 years, I think. She was the one that kickstarted my desire to become great. I always did anything she said. She was the one that was going to take me to the next level.

But like most things, many different events happened that began to unravel my hoped future.

She always wanted me to be the best, but I’ve come to realize it that she just expected the best without her 100% effort to help me there. She had a favorite on the team; and to her, that swimmer could do no wrong.

Another event was that when I was 16, I had finished 3 exhausting swim meets in a row. I had been invited to an invitation only swim meet, that I had to go to as well. But into the first day of the meet I had an excruciating pain in my stomach that I couldn’t even sleep through the night. My mom came to get me and we went to the hospital. Turned out I had a cyst the size of a large grapefruit in my lower abdomen. The doctors were amazed that I had continued through the pain, for this long, while being an athlete. I had to have surgery. So it was quite serious. The doctors said that if the cyst had ruptured I would have died.

But what do you think my Coach’s response to all this was… disappointment. She made me feels so awful for leaving that swim meet. She made me feel like I embarrassed her; and that I should have just sucked it up, and finished the meet.

After that day my Coach gave up on me. The swimmer that could do no wrong was now more than ever her favorite. And I continued to try and prove myself to my coach. I did more in my 16-17 years than I had already done for her from the age of 10 to this point.

And you might be wondering how it ended…

Without any help from my coach. I bettered myself all the way up to the nationals level. That’s one step lower than the Olympics trials. Two steps away from the Olympics. I thought, I would have at least one more year of her help. But instead she took her favorite to the Olympic trials. The swimmer chocked and didn’t perform well, and then my coach retired.

She gave up. She gave up on me. If she had given me some direction the year before she retired she might have taken two swimmers to the Olympic trials. I think I lost my spark after that.

She then sold the team to my teammate. He then made a rule that after the age of 18, if you are not swimming in college you couldn’t continue to swim on the team. So I lost my coach. I lost my drive. And I lost my team. All after I turned 18.

I swam at my community college. I did amazing. But it wasn’t the same. My spark was gone. I broke almost all the records. But then I got hurt. I think it was an old injury from when I tried to earn my coach’s respect back.

Now as I look back over those years I can see that I should have left. I wasted 8 years trying to swim for someone who never seemed to care. But I wasted the best years especially; where if I had just switched I probably would have made it. I know I would have!

But with all things you must go on. I coached. Which I loved!! I will definitely do it in the future if I get the chance. Without the public speaking part. I’m terrified and terrible at that part. Another, I still like to do hard work. Any projects we have on the property I’m rearing to help complete them. My body feels sore and tired afterwards. Most importantly, I found someone who cares for me, who wants me to do my best, but will also accept me as I am.

So yes, I want to change those years. Because I wish I could give my 17 year old self a chance to succeed on the level she desired. But like all things. You learn. You move past it. And you then live your new life.