Tag Archives: Future

The Plan

What would you do if you won the lottery?

The plan. It will happen. If I or really we won the lottery, it would just kick start the plan. But the plan will be completed with or without winning the lottery.

First my husband could quit his job. We wouldn’t have to wait to sell our house; he could just be done.

We would pay off debts because that’s normal. Since we won’t be winning the lottery, we will do this once we sell our house. Our fresh start will be just that. Fresh.

We would pack up all our stuff and start our next chapter. He wants to flip houses. Start a business with his dad. I would help with the design side of it all. I’ve always wanted to design and style houses; to me it a new way of art. This is the start of the plan.

With winning the lottery, we could buy our property and start building our end home. But since that’s not realistic we will wait until we can afford it. We will live small. Smaller than we have been; which seems crazy! But we can do if for a bit. We can live small and cheap until we can afford to buy a small house somewhere. It would be a fixer upper; that we would eventually rent or sell.

We would continue to flip. Until we could buy our big property and build our house with cash. We are not going to be doing the debt thing. Because once you start debt it just grows and grows like mold.

Once my husband believes we have made enough and invested money correctly we will be done. We will enjoy life. We won’t be going crazy with money. We will just live. If we want to flip houses it will just be a teaching moment for our kids, or if there is something shiny my husband wants to buy. Haha!

We will build or buy a house for my mom. So she doesn’t have to worry about anything. She won’t have to work. She could just live. And then my kiddos can grow up going to Grandma’s house. Which is a dream! We hope my husband’s parents live closer so they can also visit Nana and Pop Pop’s house.

Nothing special. The plan is just to invest our time and money in the beginning while we are still young, and correctly make the future we hope for possible.

I stopped saying what we would do if we won the lottery, because it’s not going to happen. We don’t play the lottery. Because as I said. We will do this plan with or without winning.

And lately I’ve been thinking, I’ve already won the lottery. I have an amazing husband. He has done so much for us to get to this point. That it’s not been easy for either of us, but we are still going strong. I have amazing kids! Even though they drive me crazy!! They are still amazing. I have the coolest mama ever! She is my best friend; still to this day. ❤️ I have great siblings and new extended family members. Family is the most important thing to me. Which is why it’s sad to live so far away from them. But with the plan, we hope to visit more often.

So really, I’ve already won the lottery. The best one to win.

Look at your life, and see if you have too?

Hmmmm…?

Is there an age or year of your life you would re-live?

I think I would choose age 15-17. When I was a competitive swimmer.

I stayed on my swim team because I didn’t want to lose my friends, start from scratch, and I didn’t want to let my coach down.

But if I had switched teams I would have probably gone farther in the sport. Not gotten hurt. And probably would have made it to the Olympics.

But instead I choose my friends. I thought they would be my friends always. But the older friends tolerated me because I was fast. The younger friends respected me because I was fair. But in the end I only have one good friend from my 17 years of swimming; living in a different state, and I only text her. It’s been almost 5 years now since I last saw her.

Another reason for not leaving, was I didn’t want to have to figure out my place on a new team. I knew there were faster swimmers than me. Surprisingly enough, more dedicated swimmers than me. But on my old swim team I was respected.

You can’t really leave one team, try out another, and then return. It would have not gone well.

The biggest reason of all: I didn’t want to disappoint my coach. My coach was my coach for 8 years, I think. She was the one that kickstarted my desire to become great. I always did anything she said. She was the one that was going to take me to the next level.

But like most things, many different events happened that began to unravel my hoped future.

She always wanted me to be the best, but I’ve come to realize it that she just expected the best without her 100% effort to help me there. She had a favorite on the team; and to her, that swimmer could do no wrong.

Another event was that when I was 16, I had finished 3 exhausting swim meets in a row. I had been invited to an invitation only swim meet, that I had to go to as well. But into the first day of the meet I had an excruciating pain in my stomach that I couldn’t even sleep through the night. My mom came to get me and we went to the hospital. Turned out I had a cyst the size of a large grapefruit in my lower abdomen. The doctors were amazed that I had continued through the pain, for this long, while being an athlete. I had to have surgery. So it was quite serious. The doctors said that if the cyst had ruptured I would have died.

But what do you think my Coach’s response to all this was… disappointment. She made me feels so awful for leaving that swim meet. She made me feel like I embarrassed her; and that I should have just sucked it up, and finished the meet.

After that day my Coach gave up on me. The swimmer that could do no wrong was now more than ever her favorite. And I continued to try and prove myself to my coach. I did more in my 16-17 years than I had already done for her from the age of 10 to this point.

And you might be wondering how it ended…

Without any help from my coach. I bettered myself all the way up to the nationals level. That’s one step lower than the Olympics trials. Two steps away from the Olympics. I thought, I would have at least one more year of her help. But instead she took her favorite to the Olympic trials. The swimmer chocked and didn’t perform well, and then my coach retired.

She gave up. She gave up on me. If she had given me some direction the year before she retired she might have taken two swimmers to the Olympic trials. I think I lost my spark after that.

She then sold the team to my teammate. He then made a rule that after the age of 18, if you are not swimming in college you couldn’t continue to swim on the team. So I lost my coach. I lost my drive. And I lost my team. All after I turned 18.

I swam at my community college. I did amazing. But it wasn’t the same. My spark was gone. I broke almost all the records. But then I got hurt. I think it was an old injury from when I tried to earn my coach’s respect back.

Now as I look back over those years I can see that I should have left. I wasted 8 years trying to swim for someone who never seemed to care. But I wasted the best years especially; where if I had just switched I probably would have made it. I know I would have!

But with all things you must go on. I coached. Which I loved!! I will definitely do it in the future if I get the chance. Without the public speaking part. I’m terrified and terrible at that part. Another, I still like to do hard work. Any projects we have on the property I’m rearing to help complete them. My body feels sore and tired afterwards. Most importantly, I found someone who cares for me, who wants me to do my best, but will also accept me as I am.

So yes, I want to change those years. Because I wish I could give my 17 year old self a chance to succeed on the level she desired. But like all things. You learn. You move past it. And you then live your new life.

Digital Art By: emily2jane
11-04-2023
Stilled Moments”

Can I Say Two Different Times?

When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

I know they mean grown up as an adult but also remember the day I felt grown up as a kid.

I’ve already mentioned the day in detail on a previous blog post. But it was the day I stood between my dad and siblings. That day flared up my protective instincts. But felt like I grew up that day.

The day I felt like a grown up….not a very deep emotion day. But the day we bought our first couch. I don’t know why but that seemed to make me believe I had grown up.

But it’s strange. It wasn’t when we got married. It wasn’t when we bought our first house. Or moved away to a different state. Or had my daughter. But the couch came before our son. But I didn’t really feel like anything changed until the couch.

Normally when your young you buy fun things. I spoiled my husband….a lot. But I never had the desire to buy the grown up things.

But when the couch arrived I felt, “wow I’m old.” Haha! Blinds. Blinds are also something I feel like you have grown up if you want to change your blinds.

But I wonder when I’ll feel I’ve grown up to older adult life…

Ummmmm…..?

What are you most excited about for the future?

I’m not really excited about any one thing. I’m hoping for many things, but I’m not really anticipating anything.

I’m hoping that I can actually be an artist. A known artist. I will always be an artist; I just don’t know if I will ever take it anywhere.

I’m hoping we can have more babies. But that is in God’s hands. He decides. So I’m trying to be content with my kiddos and not just wait for the next one. If there will be another one.

I’m hoping my husband can go back to school and actually accomplish what he wants. Find a dream come true job. (Personal opinion: if you are going to try for a degree, do it while you are young. Not when you are full-time providing for your family.)

I’m hoping my mama will have an easy change to her life. That it won’t be so stressful and that God will provide a laid out path for her follow.

I’m hoping I can have more patience with my daughter. She desires so much and I’m trying to juggle life as it is. I get frustrated easily it seems. So I hope God can help me calm down before reacting with her.

I’m hoping that any future plans are smooth for us. We are talking about some big changes and I hope that this actually the direction God wants us to go.

So yeah, I can’t really say I’m excited for any one thing. Because everything is still in the works. Nothing is for sure. I can only try to prepare. So maybe I will say I’m excited for will come for our future. As a mama and wife, it’s not just my future. Everything about me is connected to my family. ❤️

My Whole Life”
Photograph By: emily2jane
07-11-23

The Year 2022

This year, so far, has been full. As you may have noticed, I’ve only been posting chapters of my story. That’s only possible because I can write multiple chapters at once and post them accordingly.

But there are many changes this year. My daughter is three years old, and I cannot believe how time has passed. Her shoulder now fits under the lip of our dinning room table. She is expressing herself with words. She helps and takes care of me as I would to her. Now with her little brother on the way, I can’t help but remember when she was just a small little thing in my arms.

Next… my niece is starting to walk. She will be one year old next month. I just watched a video of a confident little girl strutting down the carpet. Last time I met her was a tiny peanut. No personality, just a little ball of love.

And next… my nephew is turning 15 this year. 15!!! My nephew who is now taller than me by about an inch. My nephew who I remember how he used to chase my dog, Sammy, around the backyard in his onesie. RIP Sammy ❤️ He is turning 15! That’s crazy to me.

The final one for now, but definitely not the last: I haven’t competed in swimming in almost 10 years. I still have dreams about racing, and I remember all the struggles and successes I had in my swimming career. But I haven’t done that in almost 10 years… that’s just amazes me. Especially since I did it for 14 years.

Which is why I am loving writing this story of a boy’s life of swimming. Not everything is from my past, but I’m able to get my desires out of my heart and into a narrative. It’s my way of continuing to live the swimming life without giving up what I have gained in these 10 years.

My husband. My daughter. My expected son. My home. My family.

As much as I love the idea of competing again. It can not measure up to the amount of love I have towards my splendor in life.

Year 2022, has been full; to the fullest. But I’m excited for the years to come. My days competing might be over, but I’m excited for this new adventure!

Building Again!

We decided to build the garage/ shed at the end of our carport. We always seem to do big projects before winter comes. Last time it was the concrete work and the carport installation.

The garage is 8ft x 10ft x 10ft. As the hubby was framing it, I was inside eating lunch with the baby. She was being a troublemaker.

Our little helper wanted to help daddy move the wood.

It’s sweet when little kids want to help, but they make it more difficult. But as I’ve been told. It’s good to start them young; because then they will grow up helping.

Oh yes dinner…the hubby wanted to smoke some meat!

It is going to be torture to smell this all day as we work.

Not too bad…

I really didn’t help for this part. The hubby had his drawn plans, and just did his own thing. I just watched the baby. I felt really useless.

Can it be dinner time now? Nope. Still about 3 hrs to go.

I helped with the rafters. I handed them up to him, and he did all the hard stuff. I was pretty much just a pair of helping hands. Also maybe the mascot.

Meet got done around 5:30pm, but it still had to sit 30min before we could devour it! But back to the project…It gets dark around 6:45pm now. Because winter is coming.

The sweet thing decided to scout out daddy’s creation.

Sine she started dancing. I believe she approves.

I am sorry…I have no other pictures of the meat. I was too hungry to remember. But I can tell you…it was delicious!!

Day 2

Adding the black tar paper made the space feel bigger! Especially not in the sunshine.

This is going to make a huge improvement; also add value.

The overhang.

The space between the shed and garage is about 5ft. So with both overhang there is about 3ft of empty. We might stack wood here; under the garage overhang.

The roof!

I feel like putting the roof on was where I was most helpful!! The hubby was on the roof. I had to grab a sheet of plywood and hand it up to the hubby. I also had to do this process for the metal paneling. I felt so helpful! And the hubby said I made it a lot easier. Since he didn’t have to go up and down constantly. 😎

Having the roof down and some of the plywood siding done makes it look complete!

Finished!!

So seriously we built a garage , 10 x 8 x 10!, in less than 24hrs. 😎 I feel quite accomplished. But I also have great pride in my hubby!! He did amazing!

Now you shouldn’t be surprised, but we were able to fill the entirety of the garage and there is no more space. Haha! But after I reorganize it, and the hubby makes the shelf and his work table, it will look better.

Finally after a few years we actually have some storage space/ shop on our property!

Have a productive Wednesday. With my back still a little tweaked i will be having a safe, cold Wednesday. ❄️

Hugs…Part 6 (long again)

Hugs…Part 5

“Mama won’t you tell me what’s the matter?” Annie said as she tugged repeatedly on her mother’s sleeve that was now covered in snot and tears. “Mama, please stop crying.”

It had been two days since the man came to the house; two days of continuous tears. ‘She had a heart attack. She might be gone already. I might never get to say goodbye,’ Lizzy continued to pour over the news. How could she tell Annie, Annie who loved Miss Ann so much, and had been asking about her constantly? ‘How can I tell my baby girl that her friend has died or is dying?’ I wasn’t permitted to come to the hospital because I wasn’t family but I had been put as Miss Ann’s emergency contact.

“Mama…”

The phone rang interrupting Annie. “Yes, hello,” I answer hoping the news was from the hospital. “I understand, thank you.” Searching for the words, “Annie,” I yelled but forgot she hadn’t left my side, “we have to go see Miss Ann. She is asking for us.”

“Yipee!! I gets to see my friend,” Annie’s little body trembled with excitement and scurried away to get ready.

“Annie, please come back. I need to tell you something about Miss Ann,” I said as Annie came to my side. ‘How do I tell her this?’ “Annie, Miss Ann is…”

Annie excitedly was staring up at her mama anticipating the good news, “Yes, mama!”

I began, but was not able to finish. Annie ran from me, up the stairs, into her room, and slammed the door behind her.

I tried to reason with her but she said, ‘NO!’

“Hello, we are her to see a Miss Ann,” I had convinced Annie to come with me. I told her it might be the last time.

“One moment please,” the nurse at the front desk said as she stepped away to an older man, the doctor, cross the room. They looked at me and started towards us.

“Miss or Mrs…?”

“Miss Elizabeth and my daughter Annie,” I replied back to the doctor who seemed confused.

“Can I talk to you privately, could my nurse take your daughter to the play area and get her a snack?” he said pointing to the area across from the room where a bunch of little kids were.

“Sure,” I said to the doctor, then squatting down to Annie’s level. “You are going to go with this young lady. She is going to take you to the area where the little kids get to play. It’s the special area where you can imagine you are anywhere but here. Please go with her,” pleading with Annie to not make a scene.

“Yes, Mama,” she said without any responsive emotion or warmth. She just followed the woman to the play area, sat in a chair, and started reading a book.

“What’s wrong doctor? Is Ann alright. Can I see her now?”

“I’m sorry mam but someone was supposed to call you again. Miss Ann died about twenty minutes ago. She had another heart attack and she was gone. Mam…”

I must have been fading away; his quizzical expression slowly blurred and was gone.

My eyes fluttered open and I was on a hospital bed with little Annie next to me reading. I hate hospital beds; it reminds me of the scandal.

“Mam, are you back with us?” the same doctor was beside me taking my pulse. “You gave me quite a scare when you began to topple over. Your little girl though jumped the playpen barricade, and was by your side rubbing your head trying to revive you. You’ve got quite a helper there.”

Little Annie’s eyes sparkled a quick second but she did not look up from her book.

“I am sorry I did not brace you for the bad news. And I am sorry I told your daughter as well. After you fell and she was holding you she began yelling at me, and demanding the reason. I am sorry but I don’t like to lie to little kids.”

I looked over at my baby and the sparkle of happiness was gone, only to leave a tear streaming down her face and dripping onto the binding of the book. She still did not look up. I scooped her up into my arms and placed her on the bed with me; she stopped reading and buried her head into my chest and wept. “What now doctor? What happens now?”

“Well since she does not have any other family contacts we wanted to leave her effects with you both. She brought everything with her when the hotel staff called it in.”

As he produced her luggage, the same luggage I made her gather up and take with her when I kicked her out. “Did she say anything when she was conscious?”

“She only kept mumbling, ‘I am sorry…I wish I hadn’t been a coward…I wanted you to be mine…I had hoped to call you both mine.’ “She kept saying those things when she would come back to us. She also said this before she left us,” he was going to start but indicated Annie’s presence.

“It’s fine. She deserves to know what her friend said before she went home to His house.”

He retrieved a note pad, “She was saying too much stuff to me not to write it down so I could tell you everything word for word. She said to me,” ‘Please promise me something. If a young woman and child come to see me and I am already gone, please tell them I am sorry for leaving a second time. I should have stayed and fought to keep the family I wanted. Tell the little girl she is the most beautiful and charming little girl that I am happy to call my best friend.”

Annie’s sobbing silenced as she was listening to the doctor’s words. She squeezed me a little tighter when he had said what Miss Ann said.

He continued, ‘and please tell Lizzy that I never wanted to leave in the beginning. I just was cowardly and didn’t think I would be able to see you in a different family that was not with me. Please give her the folder in my luggage after you tell her these things. Hopefully she will understand.” As he said this he handed me an accordion folder. “Please tell her I still love her just as I did the first day I had to counsel her. I enjoyed the time is spent with them both and I felt a part of a family. A make sure to emphasize to her, I do not blame her for kicking me out. I am just happy I got to explain myself once more to her before I was gone.” He chuckled after the last part.

“What’s so funny,” I asked confused why he would laugh at her words.

“Oh no mam, she also told me that if I did not do as she said and tell you these things that she would haunt me the rest of my life and ruin all encounters of love. She also said that if I did tell you everything exactly as she wanted she would be the cause of my next love encounter. She was a stubborn woman, but I do hope you understood everything I said,” he said making sure I did in fact get everything he had told me; he probably believed that Ann would haunt him.

“You did, but I would still beware. She has a funny way of coming back into your life one way or another,” I said to be funny but it was true.

He chuckled as well, glance at us again and left the room.

The folder sat in my lap. I could quite put my finger on why I knew this folder, like I had seen it once before. ‘Why?’

“What’s wrong mama, aren’t you going to open it? I wonder what it is.”

I wonder too; I just didn’t know if I wanted to know. But it was Miss Ann’s dying wish I opened this folder. So… I opened the flap and found…“Wait really!?!”

“What’s wrong mama?”

“Are you okay mam,” the doctor must have been outside the room.

“I don’t believe it. She wanted me. She wanted me that day I told her I was being adopted. She had come that day to adopt me.” I kept rambling off different phrases trying to understand it all.

“”Yippee Mama, you were always wanted by someone who you loved.”

“Congratulations mam, being adopted is one of the greatest feelings, believe me.”

“Wait there is a second page in here. She updated the papers. She officially adopted me the day after I invited her to stay. I had a mama, for those few short days. Annie, that means you had a grandma for those few days too.”

“Awesome sauce! My best friend and my grandma were the same people.” Annie looked all excited for a moment, but then remembering. “I am sad she is gone though.”

“She isn’t truly gone. She is always with us and if God allows her she might just haunt us through our days. You too doctor sir,” I said with a small chuckle trying to uplift the mood.

“Well since today should be a happy day, for you being adopted and you finding out you had a grandma, I am going to take you too beautiful ladies out for dinner,” the doctor said as he also tried to also lift the mood. “Let me get cleaned up and you,” pointing at Annie, “will decide where we go.” He left the room probably to clock out and finish the last minute things.

I sat there excited for the food, excited for the company, excited for Annie; but also, I felt excited and warmed for me. I had a mama. A mama who fought to keep me. A mama who loved me until the end. A mama who I will remember for forever.

…Epilogue to Continue…

Sleeve