Tag Archives: Art

Store All You Love.

“One pillow. One blanket. One pajama shirt. One Pajama pant.” placing each item inside as I mentally check off my list.

“Honey, what are you doing?” Mom called from the room across the hall.

“I’m packing mommy! You will be so proud of my accomplishments when I finish!” my voice creeping louder as my words continue on. Probably due to my face being stretched wide to fit my prideful smile.

“You don’t need to worry about that dear. I was going to pack your things.” Her voice travels past my room and into the bathroom. “Packing can be very difficult due to limited space; if you do not do it in the right order.”

Hearing her collect objects reminds me I need my batman toothbrush and bubble gum toothpaste. My mother’s body passes by my room again and back into her own. I go collect my bathroom necessities. I add a roll of toilet paper to my case, because daddy always says, “You can never have enough of this lifesaver.” So I’ll pack it for him.

Thinking to myself, “What did Mommy mean about order…my order is working just fine.” So I place the toothpaste and brush on top of my pajamas and the toilet paper too.”Now where was I on my list?” drilling through my brain for that mental list….”Right…underwear!”

“Honey, are you going to say bye to your friends. We won’t be back for about 3 weeks. That can seem like a lifetime in kid years.”

“I did yesterday. I explained to them that it is not for forever. They said they would come say good bye before we leave” my friends are awesome, as I place the three pairs of each superhero & barbie underwear on top of the bathroom stuff.

I can’t believe Mommy gave me this tiny little suitcase to fill up with my most loved things. My new mental list has too much on it and it would have been impossible for me to fit it all inside so I did what Mommy keeps telling me…”Use that creative brain you have and solve problems.” Which is what I did. Making it possible for me to place my teddy bear: Mr. Pinky, coloring book and crayons, Lego, my three favorite books, a package of gram-crackers just in case I get hungry, and my tiny diary which holds my deepest secrets. Mommy told me to always keep my most loved items close to me…Feeling accomplished I close the lid and zip it shut.

I lay on my bed exhausted from my morning…

“Okay honey I am ready…” Mommy stops mid sentence as she enters my room.

I sit up expecting her match my same huge smile, but instead I see fear and contained anger. “Oh no…” I think to myself, ” Mommy’s mad again. “Mommy?”

Her face changes several times until she changes back into my beautiful mommy. “Honey I thought I told you I would pack.”

“I know, but I wanted to help you because you are the best mommy ever and I wanted to give you a break.” I run to her and squeeze her as her knees dig into my chest. I pull her towards my creation.

She stops before the suitcase, “what did you do?” Is all she can muster as she stares at the suitcase.

“Well you always tell me to use my brain before anything else, and I knew before I started packing that what I wanted to pack wouldn’t fit so I tore the bottom of the suitcase off,” which actually took a lot of work, “and taped a sheet to the bottom,” I used that tape that Daddy always uses when something breaks that he doesn’t have time to fix at the moment. That strong stuff; which is tough to rip off the roll. “Its kind of like the Mary Poppins bag, Mommy!”
She stands staring at that suitcase. She moves towards it and  lifts the handle. She pulls it off the bed slowly.

I am crossing my fingers hoping that my Mary Poppins bag stays strong. It should because I used the entire roll of that strong Daddy tape. I watch as she begins to lift the case and sheet extension off the ground and…

“It held!” I squeal with excitement. I stand a bit taller proud of my invention.

Mommy places the case back on the floor, and plops on the bed. She opens her arms and I climb inside my castle of warmth and love. Footsteps sounds wander through the house and Daddy’s head pops into view. His face changes just like mommy’s did: from confused to angry to calm again. He sits down right besides us and hugs my Mommy and rubs my back.

“So it seems that our dreamer packed her own things this time.” Daddy says as he messes my hair and smiles a proud smile for me.

“She did. She did it for me. She wanted me to have a break.” Mommy says to him with a sweet smile.

“Did you fit everything in your case?” Daddy stands and lifts the handle and the case and sheet follow. “Oh…” his face changes to confused again…

I caught the smallest of look that Daddy gave Mommy. He looked to her ever so quickly that I almost missed her caring eyes saying something to him. It’s probably and old person thing that I won’t understand for a long time.

Daddy sets the case back down and sits back upon my bed. “So my creative genius used her brilliant mind again!”

“Yeah Daddy, I did.” My smile returning to my face. “Mommy told me to pack the most important things to me, and I knew what I wanted to pack wouldn’t fit in this case so I need it to be bigger.”

“Did you pack everything you need?” He asks as he squeezes the breath out of me.

“Yeah! After I change my first plan of packing; everything fits perfectly.” I squeeze him right back.

“Ellie! We are outside!!” voices flood through my window from outside.

“Can I?” I jump up and stop at the door.

“Go ahead.” They say together.

_12 years later_

“What’s this?” As I pull it out from the back of my closet.

“Oh wow! I haven’t seen that for years.” Mom says as she sits on my bed holding the object. “This was your suitcase when you were 6. We went on that vacation, and you decided to pack all your stuff yourself.”

Drilling into my brain trying to find that memory…”Right, My Mary Poppins bag! I  extended it with a sheet to fit my most loved things inside.” I sit holding that suit case/sheet. “Its smaller than I remember. I would have never fit my original plan,” placing that memory on the bedside table.

“What was your original plan? It always made me wonder. But you were so young I didn’t know if you would remember.”

Smiling to myself as I sat down beside my mother. This time I embrace her in a loving hold. “I wanted to pack you and Dad. In my mind I needed a case big enough for you both to be comfortable for the trip; so that’s why I extend the case.”

“I never expected that. Your father would be so happy to know this if he were here.” Her small body falling into my own arms and remembering Dad in this moment I rub her back.

“But then I remembered I needed you to travel with me, and since the case was already extended I filled it with other things I loved.” Remembering opening that bag once we got to where we were going…everything sticking to each other because the toothpaste exploded; the toilet paper winding around everything; the gram-crackers powdered over everything. My poor mother…

“Oh…I’m sorry Mom for ruining your suitcase. I just realized I ruined it for any future use.”

“Oh, its fine dear. The thing is, I gave you that case because my mother gave it to me. She said it had been used as several different things before becoming a case; through our generations it has be changed into whatever someone needed. This is a traveling invention in our family. You are part of its history because do you know why…”

Remembering Dad…”A creative genius with a brilliant brain…” taking up that case again, and embracing it along with Mom.

“Yes, my creative inventor.”

Suitcase

Art…

 

For some Wish was mereason I love drawing this girl.

I do see myself, but I also see someone I wish I was. Its like this girl is at war with herself, this one in particular…

She is confident but shy. She is simple but vibrant. She is peaceful, but containing her wild side.

I feel this way all the time. Wanting to be one thing but afraid what will be the repercussion. No matter how I portray myself I am terrified.

So to me this picture is saying, “Be Brave…” which is what I say every morning I begin my day.

(Also I wish my hair was this color…)

A Story: Part 10

A Story: Part 9

Sun…the brightest sun yet pierces my eyelids. The beach again; I had wished I might dream about the forest. Strange…I know that day was reality and not a dream; I can feel the stabbing splinters in my knees from the mulch. Also, I have had many dreams of the sky and I have never imagined it so blue. There were small hints pink, purple, and yellow hues hinted through the sky. The soft white clouds seemed to float aimlessly through the breeze without a care. It was peaceful; it was adventure. Instead, I know I am back on that stupid nightmare beach; again, probably to be tortured by my mind, David, or both.

Blaring heat surges through my body, and I press my body deeper into the cloth beneath me; it must be Danny’s.  “Danny…” tears whirl up inside me as I think about that little boy who didn’t know there was a reality beyond that evil red door. He never experienced the sky, birds, or sounds of peace. He lives inside me, but never free…just like me.

Far off steps come towards me; slow and softly, trying to sneak towards me. “David…” my body tightens and I grip the material beneath me and my palms begin sweating. They said my neck was from someone powerful; could David be this powerful? “Is that why he lives in my brain, but still lingers in the foreground never surrendering?” The pain and worry stir my head into chaos.

The steps keep coming, and I can no longer take the suspense. My eye open and I lunge up and prepare…

“David…” his mangled but strong body comes towards me. He looks to be alive but dead in all senses. He looks strong though in this ugly state. And he continues towards me not faltering or stumbling this time, but slow and steady towards his prey.

“David? What do you want?” my body is wavering, so I dig my feet deeper into the sand. That will hold me for a while. “David!?!”

He is about ten feet away and he stops. His dead eyes travel up to mine and they stare deep inside me. His arms tense and he bring his hands up level with my neck and his hands tense into talons. Then he continues towards me.

My mind is blurring and my limbs are wavering, but I hold my ground. “David! Stop. Talk to me.”

He stops. His eyes flicker a moment before continuing his march…

“David?” this human who has tried to kill me several times, and been the cause of other’s deaths…I step towards him.

He stops suddenly and his face contorts to an expression of…fear. He steps back once too, to regain his balance. His eyes spark life and they search my face. His body is tense and looks to be in a state of fight or flight.

“David?” I keep moving towards him. Small enough steps to keep a distance just in case, but I continue to close the gap. “David…” what was that…The smallest of tears ran down his face before he whisked it away from my sight.  “David?” and I extend my palm towards him.

He stands stilled in his tensed perch; he looks to be at war with himself. I am only a few steps away and I can hear the raspy whisper of his breath. I can see the blood and mud smeared skin. I can smell the many smells he has been covered with. “How long has he been like this? Is this what it is like in my dreams for the many essences in my mind…? Danny…?” my mind beginning to fog.

My palm touches David’s jawline, and he face is cold and rough. He looks old and worn this close, and his eyes show a hint of sadness. There is a track in the mud upon his face where the tear scurried down. My face inches from his…his body begins to shake…either fear or…

“David? Speak to me…” I say in the softest voice, not wanting to scare or change his mood.

“J…J…Jan…”

“JANE!” an invisible hand grasps my shoulder and pulls me back into reality.

My eyes open instantly and I am back in that dampened tree trunk room. A pair of hands still shaking my shoulders to awaken me.

“Stop it!” and I shove the hands away without thinking.

The body falls of the bed, and onto the floor.

A thud is all I hear. “David?” I think before anything else…why did I have to come back now…

“Are you all right?” the voice, from the body still sitting on the floor asks.

The voice brings me back into reality, the voice…Liam.

I swing my body towards his form and produce my chest over the ledge of the bed, just above him. He sits there collapsed on the floor, head down with his long locks cascading around his face.

Liam… “Umm…uh…”

His head jolts up and his eyes look directly into mine, like he can see through me. His hair falls down around his neck and he sits there without noise looking at me.

Without know why I fling my body back away from him, his eyes seemed to pierce my soul. No one has ever look as intently and focused at me before. It made my chest well up inside, but also with a mixed in feeling of fear.  I sit holding my knees frantically in the middle of the bed, trying to calm myself.

Liam’s body moves, and he stands before me. His body towers next to me, and it seems like if he were to extend a little more he would hit his head on the ceiling. He stands there awkwardly a moment before sitting on the edge of the bed next to me.

Every movement he makes I notice…the way his hand places itself within inches of my foot to brace his body. How as he releases a long breath his back slumps and relaxes ever so slightly. How when he breaths his hair flutters from his breath. How his eyes search my face then the room, before focusing again on me.

“Liam…” I say and his eyes jump to mine, his eyes alive and excited. But more like and excited fear.

“I didn’t know if you would remember or not,” his voice is different from before, deeper but more like a whisper.

Silence fills this little room. Even with another person to gain so much more info I feel like I can and cannot trust him. I want to know more, but I do not want to be lied to by him. “Liam? Why did you pull me out of my dreams?” The only thing I can think of to ask…

His face changes slightly, “Sorry for the harsh awakening. I tried to wake you but you didn’t respond and I was worried you were gone. The only way I could think of was to wake you was with force. Are you alright?”

So he didn’t wake me because of my dream, but because I did not wake. Strange it seemed like he was pulling me out of my dream by force to end it. Realizing I hadn’t answered him, “I am fine, I just wanted to finish my dream…” never knew I would ever say that about my nightmare beach…

“Was it a good dream? I am sorry to take you out of your peace.” His eyes clouded with sadness.

“It was an interesting one. Just an experience I wanted to know how it would end…but it’s fine, really.” Trying to end this conversation, because I don’t want to have to lie to him about anymore dreams.

Silence again creeps into the room. I feel content with the silence, because I don’t want to start another conversation and Liam seems to be a war with his mind. Instead, I watch his eyes change. They go from a sadness, to excitement, to fear, to determination, to nothing in seconds. His eyes are still the beautiful orange color. With every different emotion the ablaze in his eyes liquefies and switches to another. They seem to dance and spark with his emotions. His body lets out another breath and his eyes focus again on mine.

However, my eyes were already staring into his so when his eyes meet mine they show excitement and a hint of fear at once, making the flames sparkle. We sit there in silence pouring into each other’s eyes. Trying to discern anything without speaking.

“Jane…” he says…

“Liam…what are you doing?” a voice enters the atmosphere and our bodies tense. Liam turns to face to voice, as he does his body reveals the small girl from before standing in the door frame. She is holding a bowl of water and a towel over her arm. A small whiff of honey and peaches seeps into the room.

“Penny…” Liam says without thought…and he sharply turns towards me. The small girl of honey and peaches, drops the bowl, sloshing the water all over the ground, and the bowl clatters unbroken. Liam’s body is over me. His eyes dance with fear. “Jane…you must not say you know her name. Please, don’t call her by name!”

The voice of the old man comes into the room as Liam pulls his body away from mine. The old man is just that an old man. But his body suggest much pain and war, but it also shows his strong nature and stubbornness. His arms and legs are scarred and beaten. But he still looks strong enough to kill if need be. “Child are you alright?” he asks the small fragile girl, as she stand carelessly stilled and frozen with fear.

She cannot or will not answer him. The man’s eyes travel from hers, to Liam’s, to mine. His eyes are dark blue, with a hint of brown. But mostly darkness produces from his eyes, and they tear into mine in search of a reason.  I look away, because I don’t want him to know anything about me, I don’t trust his eyes.

Liam is the first to speak, “I am sorry for the commotion. She,” gesturing to Penny, “did not expect me to be in here. She was startled by my presence and so she dropped the bowl.”

Liam said that quite effectively and without wavering. He is an excellent liar…The old man seemed to buy the story and his body relaxed a small amount. His eyes still lingered over my body and I could feel his glare barring down into me. However, he turned back to Penny.

She was not a good liar, her body was still shaking with fear and she seemed to be about to burst into tears…

“So, who are you?” my voice breaks before her sobs do. Liam’s body stiffens and Penny’s face contorts to fear, but it silences her sobs.

The old man turns back to me, and I prepare my eyes for his intensive gaze. His eyes drill into me; his expression telling me I will not know this answer. He steps towards me and the room seems to shrink in size. He is larger than he looked and as he came forward his body straighten to almost match Liam’s height. Liam still stands beside my bed, but his body tries to stay firm in this man’s way; however, as the old man nears Liam moves to give way to the man’s destination.

I feel so small on this bed, as the old man towers over me. Liam is no longer able to be seen around this massive body, and Penny is silent. The man hesitates slightly before racing out a hand to clasp my shoulder.

All my strength is gone, but I can feel everything. A whirling fire soars through my body. It’s like a current of pain reaching ever crevasse of my figure. It feels like a snake is slithering through my veins in search of something. I lose all sense of sight and I fall into darkness, but I am still conscious. My essence falls into my subconscious and, “What…?”

There in my mind stands an apparition of the old man. He is wandering into my thoughts searching for something. “How is this possible?” I think to myself hoping he is not able to hear my thoughts. Every step the man takes I can feel. I can feel his eyes drill into my memories. However, I close off the tunnel to my dreams. Those are mine. I stand from afar watching him. He aimlessly wanders, but he is determined…

“This must be strange for you?”

“That voice… David,” and David’s body metalizes beside me. I feel fear, anger, and sadness towards him. “How…why…?”

He just looks at me, and I know he won’t answer. “How do you like someone else wandering inside your brain who is alive still?”

True. All the lives inside my brain are there because I put them there, this man is here because he put himself here. “David,”

He doesn’t acknowledge me, but he does smile a wicked smile in the old man’s direction. Without moving David vanishes and appears behind the old man.

“DON’T!” My voice cuts across to the old man and he vanishes before David’s hands clasp his throat. All around me is fading and all I see is David’s body bowing towards me like, he is commending his action for me in some way. Again darkness fills my mind and I lay alone in blackness.

“What happened?” Liam’s voice enters the void. “Are you alright?”

A scuffle and noises come too as my eyesight returns. There in the chair next to bed is the old man. But he looks smaller and fragile; he looks to be fifty years older. Liam is next to him trying to revive him. Penny is across the room getting more water. She returns to place a wet cloth on his forehead and she mumbles something and the old man surrenders to the cold water. His body relaxes and sinks into the chair.

I am flat on my back laying on the bed. I lift my head to see better, and Liam sees my movement. He quickly moves to my side and whispers in my ear, his breath warm, “lay quietly, do not stir until we move him…I will come back.” He lifts his head and his eyes find mine; he is telling the truth. I close my eyes and lay stilled upon the bed. But my eyes stay sharp listening to my surroundings.

“Come quickly!” Liam calls out and feet shuffle down the stairs and many new bodies enter the room. “Take him to his own room,” Liam says, as his body slowly moves out of the room.

I feel alone again. Grunts and winces sound next to me as I can sense many men lift the old man to carry him from the room. I lay as perfectly still as possible.  But before the forms move away one says, “She is beautiful.” I wonder to whom he was speaking…

The bodies carefully leave the room and climb the stairs; I hear them until they are too far and I am again left in silence. I am unsure if I am alone so I stay laying, eyes closed, and alone in this room until Liam returns.

I hear a shuffle of steps across the room, but without knowing who I lay stilled and frozen.  I am terrified, because I don’t want to die. Steps continue towards me and a hand places itself caringly over my mouth. My eyes open and there is Liam, suppressing my mouth to tell me to be quiet. His eyes are glazed over; I cannot read his feelings. He removes the hand and he collapses onto the bed again beside me. This time, however, his body hunches over and he rests his head between his knees to slow his breathing. I resituate myself into a more upright position so I can witness everything. My head swirls slightly. Penny comes through the doorway with another bowl and she carries it to table beside me. She places one wet towel on Liam’s neck, and then she sponges way my sweat from my brow and chest. She sits there in silence eyes cast downward wiping away. Liam’s breathing slows and his backs cracks releasing tension, but stays hunched over.

Penny drapes a new wet cloth over his neck and he sighs deeply. She seems better than before but her baby blue eyes seem sad and vacant. No one says anything, and it seems like they will not. I try to sit content that they came back but I cannot. My emotions will not let me, and my boil begins to boil. “What happened just now?”

My question cuts through the moment of peace and stillness. I feel like I just poked the belly of the beast. Liam’s back lifts and sits up straight; holding a breathing, stretching his muscles, and then releasing it his body slumps once again before turning to me. Penny seems to bow out and she leaves the room. Liam’s eyes are vibrant once again, but filled with fear and anger.

I cannot discern if the emotions are directed for me of at me. He looks straight into my eyes and his flame seems to ooze into my soul. He stares down into me, and I feel my body pulling away, but before I can his hands clasp my shoulders and pull me towards him. I am inches from his face and his breath soaks into my flesh…

“What did you just do?” Liam says point blank at me, furiously.

“What!?!…” I about to speak…

Liam’s hands grip tighter and he shoves me against the bed frame, and my back digs into the metal bars. He is strong, stronger than I imagined. I cannot move. His face inches from mine. His lips move, but I hear nothing. Penny is next to us and she is mouthing something. Liam falls away from me, and my mind fogs. Penny handles my body back onto the bed. I drift away into darkness with a lingering smell of honey and peaches.

Fight.

Fight…can be brutal, casual, abusive, exciting, debates, physical, empowering, mental, determination, childish, or just a fight.

I have heard many and experienced all of these types; I am sure I forgot some or I have not yet had the pleasure of experiencing them…

A fight can be in many different ways. It does not just mean a physical altercation with another physical body. I have experienced the brutal fight, but this one I was the controller behind the brutality. I know this makes it sound like I did something stupid but to me it was when I would race. In a 50 Freestyle it is a fight to win. In other races you can set your own goal and race your own race, but in a 50…you have to fight back against the other swimmers and hit the wall before them. So, if you want to be the winner you have to do many things, all at once perfectly, without screw up. It is the hardest race for most athletes and only the best get to race it in the big leagues.

So to me the brutal part in the fight to the wall was lack of oxygen. You must hold your breath, while sprinting, while fighting, while losing consciousness, until you hit the wall. And the controller or boss of your lack of oxygen is yourself. You have to want “it” more than air. You have to want to see black spots in your vision and win before you can have that healthy breath of oxygen.

I remember my coach always telling me to stop breathing. I thought that was kind of funny, because that’s something you say when you are extremely mad and you want the person to drop dead. But as a swimmer you hear this all the time. It is a natural thing to hear. My response every time was, “I know, I know…” I am sure my coaches were annoyed at me at some points of my career, but I am also sure they were excited when I swam. Because swimming was my fight. It was what drove me to wake up every day. It made me want to be an athlete. It has made me fight for want I want in life.

But it has also made me a passionate coach. This year I get to coach the varsity team; everything is faster, quicker and more intense. Not as intense as when I swam but way higher than JV. But, I can get a little too invested in my athletes lives. Some of them are swimming to stay in shape for polo season. Some are staying in shape for the summer. Some girls just want a good tan for that beach day. Some swimmers like swimming as a fun sport, but don’t have the drive. But I do have a handful that personally told me they want to be the best they can be, and they will work hard to be the best.

So, to tie in the breath control thing…we had a swim meet yesterday and I put all of them in the 200 Freestyle Relay so they could all do a 50. But also, relays have so much more pressure to them; they were one of my favorite parts of the sport. Because if you messed up your own individual race it was just “your” bad. But if you messed up on a relay or went to slow you lost if for yourself and three of your other teammates.

But on Wednesday, before the meet, we worked on breath control, I gave them an easy set, however the catch was that they could only take two breaths. Some of them they looked at me like I was crazy or it was an impossible task. You should only be taking 1-3 breaths in a 50. I always took 1 so 3 is giving them a buffer. I would say on average that 15 of my 22 athletes take on average 8 breaths in their 50…sometimes more like 11. So to some of them it seemed impossible. But I wanted to challenge that handful of people who like swimming but have never been challenged…they thought I was crazy, but they still attempted it…

They found that when you don’t breathe you push yourself harder to make it to that wall before you take that extra breath you don’t really need. If you put your head down and let your limbs pull your body to the finish the race will be over before you know it. As of right now, for them, it is only a 23-25 sec race. You only have this much time or less to be perfect. So if you take one factor out, breathing, then there is less to worry about. One less thing to have in your mind as you race and fight for the finish makes it that much easier to succeed. The fight is a fight to the finish…

Fight

…no name…

Immediately as the cold tip of the sharp needle punctured my skin my blood began to boil. Electricity flowed through my veins awakening something dormant inside me. My eyes glued shut,but I could still sense the brightness engulfing my body; my skin was oozing warmth like a bright light hovered over me trying to burn my flesh away. I could hear the small hushed remarks from the figures around me, but I could also hear the rusty swings stirring at the park across the street. I could smell the cologne of the doctor standing nearest to me, but also the secretary’s perfume from the lobby downstairs. “What is happening to me?”

I gently pry my eyes open, even though it feels like they are being sliced apart to produced my sight. However, once the pain is gone I look straight through the light and directly into the bulb. I can see the electrical current running from one wire to the other. I focused on it and I could hear the low hum surging through the quiet.

I search for something identifiable, my mind twisting and turning. My subconscious trying to discern between the chaos and reality.

I try to stand but my limbs are secured to the icy table. The confinements hold me captive upon the firm fiery table.

I need to be free; I need to move freely. Again my blood stirs, but this time it goes above and beyond, and it melts away the straps holding my wrists and feet. I expand my arms to raise my rib cage so much it tears the bind across my chest. My air-way is larger and the pain is less. All this movement though causes my mind to spin and blur. However, the pulsing in my arms and thighs jets adrenaline to my brain, clearing all the chaos and noise. Now I can hear my breathing and panicked heart.

I feel small yet large at the same time…The figures around me seem so large as their hands search for my freed body. They want to tie me down again… “I won’t let you!”

I swing one arm left at the doctors and their bodies fly across the room; their bodies smash into the wall and crumble to the floor. They lay lifeless. I feel the bodies to my right move away from my side, but just in case I swing in their general direction.

My fist comes in contact with a face, and a yelp escapes their lungs before dropping unconsciously to the ground.

I brace my body as I stand before what’s left of the staff. My body is surging with energy, giving my distorted heart one goal…escape. The figures flee from my presence, and I clamor through the white hallways in search of the heavenly sign…EXIT. This door leads to freedom and peace…

I run towards this door without hesitation. However, before reaching the knob of life a sharp pain stabs into my right shoulder. Reaching around with one hand in search of the damage…a dart. “No…”

Stumbling a few steps forward, I tumble to the ground. The stone tiled floor slams into my rib cage, forehead, and knees sending pain throughout my entire system. I only have strength in my hands and I dig my nails and palms into the floor and try to pull my body towards the door. Sweat pours off of my face and onto the floor, making the ground slick and easier to slide across. I come to the threshold of freedom. I push my body up…My eyes at the same height as the knob…

But another sharp pain hits my lower back. It feels like a knife being twisted and turned in my spine. My blood thickens and I slowly fall to the floor. My muscles are stone, and my head is a whirlwind of chaos.

In those last moments, all I remember are my tears cascading down my face, and the soft noise as each tear hits the floor…drop…drop..drop…

Drop

What A Beautiful Today…

Today is a beautiful day. To me it is the most beautiful kind of day….

The sun is shining,

While the wind is whispering.

The air is nippy but yet still warm,

With the clouds rolling.

The trees are dancing,

 As their leaves are clasping or flying.

It is peaceful.

It is calm.

I feel His hope drifting through the world.

Diving, spilling, soothing into hearts.

Relax and enjoy this windy Sunday.

A Story: Part 9

A Story: Part 8

“You can’t put all your faith into this girl!”

A voice harshly says with a slight squeak bringing me up out of my dreamless state. The voice is the same from my other dream. The voice that told the blue haze to wait. That was a strange dream I had; I think I prefer the beach scenes, but without David. My new dreams seem like I am watching a television show, and I am the new staring character.

“You don’t trust anyone. It seems like you want our home to be just that, our home.”

That was the blue haze voice. Don’t they know that I am here, and I could be possibly listening to their conversation. Either they are just stupid to be talking near me, or they want me to hear. I don’t mind, this way I can discover more about my surroundings. Keep talking voices…the voices continued…

The older voice, “I just want you to be guarded around her; she is a wild card. You saw the marks on her neck didn’t you?”

A small scuffle noise interrupted the stillness, it was the sound as if someone awkwardly changed positions.

“You did.” The old voice again, “She did not have those when I found her. I was not the monster to give them to her.”

It seemed like he was convincing himself more than the blue haze. I wonder…

“I know you did not give them to her. They appeared as Amy was healing her. They grew darker by the second. Whomever gave those to her is powerful…”

David…David is powerful? But he is locked away in my subconscious…why is my mind swirling…

I must have made a noise; because the voices stopped and their bodies moved as if to end the conversation. Bothersome…I wanted to know more. But I don’t know if my mind can take it; it is swirling in circles not ready to stop anytime soon. Sleep and actual dreams are calling to me.

Like as if the dreams could talk, “Leave the show behind. Come and see your imagination come to life.”

That scared me more than to just stay in this alternate reality…but I slept.

Sun beams burning softly into my skin…the beach…

This time my eyes flutter open and again my body is expanded over Danny’s blanket. The dark brown material has soaked up so much sun, that I must have been here for hours. My hand crawls towards the sand, and the small rocks waterfall through my expanded fingers toppling onto themselves again. The wind blows the waterfall sand into new places, giving the tiny grains a new adventure. That’s what I want. A new beginning. I want all these voices to be gone. I want my mind to live in reality. I want the small flower, at the moment stilled, to disappear. I want anything and everything to be my choice.

Bracing my body, I prop up onto my elbows and glance out at my surroundings. Yes, I am on that beach, and yes, I am alone. Strange…being alone is almost my most calming sense. The wind stirs into my hair; the long curls swirl blocking my eye line; I smell honey and peach vapors. The wind abruptly stops and my hair falls off my face.

“No…” David stands before me.

“No, you are not real. You only exist in my head. You’re not real!” I scream at him, confused, scared, and agitated all at once. This beach is no longer my beautiful escape, it is my deadly nightmare.

David does not say anything, but he drunkenly wanders towards me. Tripping himself and stumbling every few steps. His eyes say nothing, but his hands say everything. His hands are the only things that look alive; they are stiff and angered. His fingers like talons coming to capture my neck as its prey.

My body is limp, even the flower is still. But David’s form just continues towards me, never faltering his stare. I feel glued to the blanket. My hands and feet immovable. There is no noise except David’s crunching steps beneath his feet; I can hear my whimpers break the silence. Only my voice works…

“HELP ME!!” I scream into the void. Nothing happens, and David continues his approach. “HELP ME!!”

A shadow leaps over me, and my mind surges back into reality.

“Calm yourself,” the sweet voice from before.

I can’t do as she asks, and she needs to stop saying this to me; it just annoys me more. My body is a flamed and a ringing noise splits into my skull. “Why won’t it stop? Why can’t I just die? Make it stop!!”

“Calm yourse…”

“SHUT UP!” I scream out not knowing the voice or who it belongs to. “SHUT UP!” My body keeps flinging about, wanting to be ripped apart and put out of misery. “END ME, PLEASE…MAKE the pain stop…” and with that a small soothing electrical current soars through my blood, easing it back into a calm state. The amount of care I feel in my body allows me to open my eyes and I see the face hovering beside me.

A pair of soft baby blue eyes look back at me, “Is that better?”

The eyes belong to a girl; a small girl, but probably my age. Her voice is sweet like honey and her breath smells of peaches. Her skin radiates like the sun warming my own skin without even touching me. She has a small flower drawn into the side of her face; almost entrapping her eye to stay where it is. Her smile is kind, and inviting. I feel calm and at ease next to her. My flower begins to pulse, and hers changes color.

“Are you calm?” she asks in the most beautiful voice I have ever heard.

“Yes.” I answer without hesitation. My eyes trust her…strange…

“Would you like to sit up?” she maneuvers the pillows beneath me, without waiting for a response, to make it possible for me.

I don’t know if I will be able to support myself to do as she wants. I brace my arms to hold my body, and I can. My body feels light, the lightest it has ever felt. I can easily lift my body and brace my back against the pillow. My head swirls ever so slightly before resting into simplicity.

My surroundings are new; completely different than the house of screams. There is still a hint of cedar in the air, and the smoke from before must have come from the fire on the opposite side of the room. There are cupboards, shelves with books, a small table with two chairs, the bed I am upon, and the chair with the small girl beside me. “Where am I?”

The blue eyes shift from my gaze, ever so slightly, before returning. Her eyes are vibrant, but now have a sense of fear. “You are…”

“Don’t answer. You were about to lie to me, so I won’t believe you even if you answer.” Eyes don’t lie.

Her face contorts into a sad and angry expression. She is hurt by my outburst, but she is still fighting with herself, trying to discern if she can trust me. The problem with me is when my trust is broken, it can take a long while until I trust the person again. Which is why I stopped her from saying anything, because I feel like I want to trust her in the future.

I can hear voices above me, and voices echoing around me, but there is no other life seen. “What’s your name?” If she lies to me about this, I will know if I can trust that where I am is safe.

Again the blue eyes drift from my face. She looks to the opposite side of the room, and I see the doorway hidden from view. Her face is at war with herself. She does not answer me, but as she turns her head back to me she does not make eye contact. She only says, “Would you like some water? You look thirsty.” She moves away to a small sink to get me water.

“Can I move? Can I get up” I ask myself in my head…can I run? I don’t know any of these answers, but I do know I can’t trust where I am. I look off to where the girl with blue eyes is and she is still filing the cup. My body is tingling and I feel a new current soar through my veins…determination. I don’t know how but I swipe the covers back, and lunge for the doorway.

“No… come back,” the blue eyed girl’s sweet voice calls to me, with a hint of desperation in her voice, mixed with fear.

I can’t. I need answers, but more than that, I need to be free. Through the doorway leads to stairs. It seems to spiral upwards, and seems like forever, but the pulsing flower surges with heat and urges me on. Each step I take I feel better and better; stronger and stronger; like I have been newly made. Last couple steps…and there is a big red door. Exactly the same as the home I was in before. The same as that hallway of screams had that would lead to reality. The same that made me who I am…

I take the knob and shove it open…

Light. Air. And chirping. Sight, smell, and sounds I have not heard except in dreams. Surrounding me are trees of many kinds. The air is sweet and fresh. The chirping noises are from birds perched on branches or birds soaring through the blue sky…the sky. It seems bigger now than it was in my dreams. It seems to extend upwards forever, and continue on even though I can’t see it. A breeze picks up around me sending a beautiful chill down my back. I know it is real because of the new sensation I am feeling. I almost forget why I am here…then…

“Jane. I need you to come back inside.”

The voice comes from behind me, I can’t see the face, but I know the voice. It belongs to the blue haze. I don’t move. I want to stay in this world forever; I want this place to be my new adventure like the sand. I want to see this habitation more, and if I go back inside I might never see it again.

“Jane…”

The voice is pleading so softly that I know something must be wrong…I turn towards the voice and I see him. He is nothing what I expected. His body looks tortured, his arms are sagging with weakness, his hair is so long it almost covers his eyes…his eyes are vibrant orange. But not just orange, they are almost like a fire ablaze captured in a small space.  Only his eyes seem to be strong. He is closer to me than I thought. I can hear his breathing, and I can see the years on pain in his limbs.

“Jane…please…” his eyes show fear, care, confusion. He turns and stretches his arm out towards the door. This side of the door is brown. It has been constructed into the trunk of the large tree. “You have to go first.”

How do I trust him, how can I trust any of them? I trust his eyes; they seem to telling the truth. My body does not move; not only because it is afraid, but also I have lost all energy. I step towards him, but my feet falter and I collapse to the ground. My knees dig into the mulch below me stabbing into my flesh. My body feels heavy and I know I will not be going back willingly, but unconsciously. But before that I need to know…

I look up, and the blue haze’s body is towering over me. But as my face turned up, his eyes are right above mine. He has kneeled beside me, next to the place I collapsed. I can feel his breath on my cheek. I can see right into his eyes and deeper into his soul. This is my chance…” What’s your name?”

His eyes don’t turn away; he continues to stare back into mine. His eyes stay strong, “Liam.” Without hesitation, and without flickering in his eyes; this my first truth. His eyes didn’t lie. My body collapsed into his embrace. His body stiffens suddenly, but I feel at ease. My mind is drifting, but I feel safe for the first time. “Liam…” I try to say, but then I am gone.

The Game…

Pain and loathing spread across their faces. The sweat, mud, and tears mix together hiding their expressions. Their muscles are worn and tired. Their arms too sore to reach up and wipe away the sweat from their brow. Their fingers pulsing to the sound of their running steps. Their bodies ridged with suffering, but maintaining to carry their body weights through the field.

But they never surrender, and they never will give up. They push through their misery with great gusto because they love the game. The game drives them, pushes them, finds their inner beast. Rain, sun, or snow we continue this game.

Normally, I play alongside them. The adrenaline scorches my blood and sends currents of electricity through to my muscles. The chase is the best part of the game. Everything seems to blur into each other, and you fly through the chaos to success. Everything moving a mile a minute. Never slowing, always a steady fast pace, but only your breathing quickens.

I stand here immovable, watching them play. My eyes can’t leave the field. My body yearns to join them, and every muscle is tightening ready to burst into action if need be. But now as the coach, I must let them discover the love of this game. My body is stone cold and stiff. No sweat drips down into my eye line. No tears pour from my eyes in fury and excitement. No mud mixes onto my flesh turning me muddy. I am perfectly clean, and I feel incomplete.

But watching this game from the edge of field, causes it to slow. I can see the stopping and falling. I see their bodies actually move at a normal pace. Every athlete is wincing in pain, but I witness that smile creeping through the layers of mud across their faces. I see the high power leaps into the air towards success. I see the collisions in slow motion, and then the bodies slowly cascade dowards collapsing into the mud. I see the small gestures to their teammates as they have done well, or are losing.

No one really ever losses at this game. You only lose if you give up. You only lose if you quit. You only lose if you don’t try. You only lose if you believe you did not give it your all. If you do everything you physically and mentally could then you have won. That is why I play this game. You must work as a team to score. You must put in the work to succeed. You alone must decide if you want to play the game or not. This game is challenging but still through all the pain, hurt, tears, sweat, mud, and effort you might catch a glimpse of a smile or smirk if your mind slows down their movements.

Even though my body is aching for more than to just stand here on the sidelines, I need to give them the chance to love the game. I also get the chance to slow down my mind and see the dissimilarities between the athletes who want it and who don’t. Also, I have another source of knowledge to help them understand our true sport. This game is our outlet to team bonding and self-finding, but our true passion happens elsewhere.

But without this game, we would not know what it feels like to have sweat, tears, mud, dripping into our eyes. The water masks our expressions and exhaustion. I only truly see it in their faces during this game. When we swim there is no slowing…this only happens in the game.

Pace Oddity

Hmm…

Again my weekend is non stop. First I coach from 9-11am, but the first hour is Ultimate Frisbee!! I will attempt to control my competitiveness…easier said than done! 

Next I am painting a new part of he office. This building is changing completely, just by painting some walls. 

Then I am going out swing dancing! I don’t know how long I will be there but I would like to dance the night away.

Then Sunday is church and finish painting. 

Yes it seems like I am not having a break, but I am spending my time doing things I love. So in a way I am having a relaxing weekend. 

I hope yours is relaxing, happy, or frantic…whichever you prefer. Mine will be all three at once. 

  
Photo By: Emily2Jane 

taken 2/20/16

“…” (If I write the title you will know what this is…what do you think it is?)